My corner of thoughts

So fast its wednesday already

2010-06-16T23:33:00.002+08:00

Its Wednesday night and I want to watch the Spanish match...=( but my home dun have Astro. I thought of going to mamak to watch but a girl alone watching is so dangerous.

This morning I drove to Berjaya Times Square to meet the marketing manager of Papa Johns. Nice lady. I did some research on the roads in Google map but still I got lots. At least I managed to find my way although I am vy late. I mean...30 mins late for my appointment. Luckily she is ok with it. I like that lady. After that I drove back to office, and have lunch with Dominic since he say he wanna teman me. Oh ya..today I wore my new blue dress. I love it. It looks like a baby doll dress but at the same time, reminds me of the starry midnight sky. See adi also makes me happy. ^__^ Few colleagues praised me today although Vaijan comment my dresses are getting shorter or my legs are getting longer. haha. Paiseh leh..I know la that my dress is too short and its not like I have nice legs. haha. Anyway, at least I wore something which makes me feel good.

To continue my day, I went to Food Foundry to have mille crepe again. But this time I chose vanilla flavour. Really yummy. Then after the cake, I decided to have a proper meal so drove to another place and had 'chee cheong fun'. The taste so so lor. The place is at seksyen 17.

Afternoon I stayed in office and do proposals. Dunno why but the time past by so fast. The next thing I know its already 5.30pm. I drove to uncle's house in SS2 to see grandma and also to take the 'ba chang' from her. I only eat one kind of 'ba chang' and also the only ones that made by my grandma which is Nyonya Chang. Since its too rushing for me, I dun have the time to wait for granny to heat it up as I am rushing to seapark there to meet Dominic. Suddenly he is craving for nasi lemak. No doubt the nasi lemak at that place in Seapark is awesome. I told granny I will not have time for dinner but after I munched a few pieces of fried fishballs and fried tofu..I cannot resist the tempation and took a plate and filled it with rice and ikan bilis and fishballs. haha. Yummy betul. I was starving. Grandma so happy to see me eating her cooking.

After that about 6.30pm I meet up with Dominic and at that time I dun have the space in my stomach to contain the delicious nasi lemak (even though I really really want to have a plate of it. Yes, I do know that I am very greedy.=p)

We hangout till 7.45pm then I have to rush for the other round. I am meeting Angela and Emily in Pyramid. We decided on Kim Gary and guess what? I saw Angela had the Korean Noodles and I also want to have a taste of it so I ordered a bowl and I could not finish it. Waste food only. Not only that. I wasted my money too. Sigh...

Ok la..I will be heading to bed now coz I have to wake up at 6.30am. Promised granny I will there in SS2 to collect the ba chang by 7.30am.

Nite !

Tuesday then it will be Wednesday!

2010-06-16T00:42:00.002+08:00

Yikes!! Its been so long since I last update. Ok, I shall do a quick and short one here.

Lets talk about my day. I wore this new floral printed dress with my new white cardigan and my new white heels. Feels so good. hehe. My good mood was increased thanks to the compliments received from my colleagues. All also puji me and make me feel so happy. A nice breakfast with my colleagues. Then after that I also had a fantastic lunch..a good choice. I want to eat 'lui cha' but luckily V Ming suggested to eat at Damansara Kim. I never heard of that place and now I know where. Shall visit there again another day. I had my favourite char siew fun!!! Yummy!! It taste so good!

After lunch, I feel sleepy as usual but work still gotta be done. Did some research on the net and then did cold calls to direct client. Speaking of which, tomorrow I gotta head to Papa Johns office in Berjaya Times Square at 11am! I dunno how to go to Times Square. I am such a sad case. Sheesh. I am meeting the makerting personnel for Papa Johns tomorrow. Hope everything goes well. Shall try Google maps 1st thing in the morning.

Anyways, after work about 6.30pm, went to 1 Utama with V Ming and Pei Wen. Oh my goodness. Its so freaking jam. Really trying my patience. Finally at 7.15pm I reached the destination ( V and Pei Wen left office at 5.30pm sharp so they did not face the jam). I am so relieved the moment I reach the car park of 1 Utama. We makan at Chilis and I had the salad la, fajitas and tortilla chips with Salsa. Yummy~ At the same time we also watched the football game..Slovakia vs New Zealand. Ok lor..not that exciting as the next match which is Cote d'Ivoire vs Portugal. Ronaldo is so leng cai. Last time he look so boy boy but now so bergaya adi. So man. My heart melts at the sight of him. *Jasmine sighing at the thought of that manly guy*. Now, this match is interesting lor...Cote damn aggresive wei. Portugal got skill. Not bad.

Because I watched it at Chilis so after the 1st half of the game, we have to ciao adi due to the fact that Chilis will close shop. I rushed back to Taipan and continue watching the game at mamak. I am the only girl watching alone lor..majority are guys. There was a couple there. Thats it. I feel so shy leh. Nevertheless, I need to know the results. Haha. I also dunno since when I am so into this football thingy.

Ok, its almost 1am adi. I shall head to bed and I promise I will update the rest of my days soon.

Thurday just come by like this

2010-06-10T22:33:00.002+08:00

Wow~ So fast its Thursday already. Time really flies. Yes..I do realized that I have been mentioning this ALOT lately. Another tagline of mine is.."I am so tired". haha.

Before I start with my post, let me tell you that since last Thursday, I have take out my small bear bear and place it bec in the car (where it belong). Really lor, the bear is ever so comforting to me while I am driving. I should not be so stubborn and kept it in the cupboard just because HE gave it to me. See, now I have the bear again, I feel so much happier. heehee.

Okay, my day went by ok today. I know, I have not been updating my diary/blog lately. I shall do it over the weekend when I am more free. Now I shall just talk about my day. =)

Ok, I was busy chatting and then chat on the phone for more than 30 mins. haha. Now I am too lazy and tired to type. Maybe I shall continue it tomorrow. haha.

Nite nite!

Emo

2010-06-06T21:00:00.002+08:00

I was feeling happy in the morning but right now..I am just feeling moody. Maybe I am tired that is why I feel like this. Am also listening to "Need you now" by Lady Antebellum. As I listen to it, I feel even more emo. Yes..while I am listening this..I will be lying if he did not cross my mind. I am suppose to meet him today but I cancelled it. Actually..I really wish to see him. I dunno what happen but right now I am thinking about him and missing him so much. Its one of those days I guess..I keep on having flashbacks. When will this stop? If I continue like this, how am I suppose to move on?

This morning I only told my cousin Ken that I am healing and feeling much better which I really did. I was not lying or faking it. But now..I am down down down. haha. "Jay Sean's "Down" as background music".=p Alright, jokes aside coz Seriousness is coming through. haha. I have no idea why I am being so lame now.

Back to the topic of the hour, the song is playing over and over again. Its as if I cannot get enough of it. I love the lyrics...despicting what I am feeling now (at some point).

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor

Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door

Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do withoutI just need you nowwoah woaaah.

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without I just need you now

I just need you now (wait)Ooo, baby, I need you now

My favourite part of coz is the one that is highlighted in red. =) For me, memories of you crossing my mind happens all the time. I really need you now and always..

I know I might be hurting someone if the person knows about this. I just cannot help it. Its my emotions. Even though I am really sorry buy I cannot deny what I am feeling. Sigh..

It hurts to not being with you. I miss you and..I wish to see you. To hear your voice. To..be with you..Argh!!! I should not be feeling this nor should I be thinking about this..I am so looking down upon myself..Shame on you Jasmine Yeoh. There is this guy who likes you and wants to be with you. You should give him a chance..not dwelling on the past love.

Ok, I am going crazy. I am actually speaking to myself and giving advice also. Sigh..but I really dunno..I like this guy..nice to be with and fun to talk to but..I just cannot la..I dunno how..I still want 'him' in some ways...omg!!! Jasmine Yeoh is a stupid girl for thinking like this!

Alright..this lunacy ends here. I shall meet Aron and talk to him and hope to be clear headed. I must not allow myself to hurt this new guy for he is so sweet. Honestly..the pain is still here in my heart..I have not healed from the past. What did 'you' did to me that I cannot heal untill now...Sigh..

Wednesday is gone. 2 more days till weekend. Woo-hoo!

2010-06-02T23:29:00.002+08:00

As usual, I am very sleepy and lazy right now. I read my previous posts and found that each post has the same opening "I am tired. I am sleepy. I am lazy". haha. This is getting repetitive.

Ok, lets start. My day was pretty ok. This morning could not decide what to wear. I looked at my wardrobe and found that I have nothing to wear. Yup, its one of those days. So..I was abit late to work. Luckily I arrived before my boss did. But still..I feel paiseh. Must wake up earlier from now on. I will not allow myself to snooze my alarm. =p (as if that is possible)

Anyway, I drove to Kota Damansara to meet a client. I tell you, the journey there is even longer than our acquaintance. I saw her for less than 10 mins while the driving journey takes up about 40 mins of my time. Aiyor..Later, I had lunch with 3 of my Guocera ex-colleagues- Angel, Wee and Swee Khim. We went to makan at 6 to 10. I had Fish & chips while they have nasi lemak.

After such a heavy carbo meal, I was so sleepy and lazy when bec in the office. I felt like a zombie. I cannot concentrate on what I was doing. Somehow..the time just past by without me realizing it. Its not like I did alot of things but somehow time just past by lidat.

I was suppose to meet Navina and Lay Sim and also Nicky for dinner today in SS15. Manatau at 5pm, my colleague say she cannot attend Tai Thong's dinner (client's dinner) so I am to attend it lor. Representing The Star mar. Sheesh..I have to call and cancelled my dinner plan. T_T Its so difficult to gather everyone to have a dinner and now have to call each one to tell them its off. Sigh..what to do. Furthermore, no one to accompany me. I ask a few of my colleagues but all also busy. Luckily for this sweet colleague of mine, she is willing to accompany me coz she says I look so kesian and indeed I am. *jasmine showing her face which has a natural kesian look on it*

We left office at about 6.45pm. It was so jam!!! I know I should biasa adi but it really get on my nerves. Reached the destination which is in Subang at about 7.40pm. Crazy! But then..I got chianyee and dominic to keep me occupied abit with their messages during the journey so its abt more bearable. While stuck in the jam, suddenly it rained! Heavily somemore. Oh my goodness. Its terrible. I miss my bear bear la. My hands felt so empty. Ok, i already decided. I shall dig the small bear out from my closet and place it bec in the car to keep me company. I will be fine with it. I already think it through and realized..even if I put it there in the car, its not a sign of weakness. It doesn't mean that I still cling on to my past love. Nope..its not. =)

Lets proceed to the dinner. Let me tell you..its FANTASTIC!!! Food and environment is awesome!!! Great! The emcees and singers are superb. Its so entertaining. I want to take pictures of each of the dishes I had but I was shy. You know la..I am representing my company wor so I must act maturely. Snapping pics of food is kinda childish. Haha. But its still sad case. Guess who I bump into there? My Uncle Tony and his wife. Goodness..what a small world. Rupanya he work under TT Resources too. Both of us are surprise to see each other. haha.

During the dinner, dominic keep me entertained by messaging me. He told me he will keep me company untill the dinner ends. By 10 stg pm, I ask him to go sleep lor but he said a promise is a promise hence he will accompany me till I reach home. Thats really sweet of him and thank goodness he did sms me throughout the whole nite. If not, I would have been quite bored. I mean..food and environment is great but then hor...no one to talk to. I am now wondering..are we both flirting with each other? I dunno la..Ok, I shall not think much into this because its pointless and waste of time. I should be thinking on..how to not miss lcw at all. haha.

I was in a good mood when I reach home at about 11pm. After a hot and relaxing bath, I dunno why but I was tempted to call him (who else). And guess what..I wasnt able to resist the temptation and I called him. We chat for about 35 mins. Wow~ I was very surprised. It was he who said he is tired then only we end the call. Actually..its..sorta nice to chat with him I guess. But hor..he sound really distant and cold..I know he is tired la but then..things already changed between us so..maybe he is scared that by talkin nicely to me, I will fall for him again or I will want to be with him again. Well..honestly...he dun have to worry about that. I will not do that anymore. I just want to be friends with him. Kesian that fella. Work is always so stressful. No wonder he is unhappy la. I wonder what can ever make him happy ar? That one he himself only knows. You know what..I still feel 'sum tung' for him. Wish there is some thing that I can do to cheer him up. Who say I have to be a gf then only can cheer another person up. As a friend cannot meh? ;)

Its nice to hear his voice albeit its cold and distance and also..can feel he is unwilling to talk to me. But then hor..knowing him..if he reli dun feel like talkin to me, he wud not have picked up the call in the 1st place. =) So Jasmine Yeoh, you have to work on this bad characteristic of yours which is..u r too sensitive and you over-think things. Small matter also you can think yang bukan-bukan. Remember that this is also one of the reason that lead you to break up. Must remember ya!!

Back then, I would have felt so hurt if he spoke to me lidat or if he wants to end the call but now..lets just say..I dun anymore. I see it now that..he is really tired hence dun feel like talking. Its not because he dun wan to talk to me but because he is not in the mood for anythin now. He just want to be alone in his own world. However, he did said something which is supposed to hurt my feelings. Last Sunday, I did asked if wanna meet up on Thursday for dinner. He said not sure but he will check on it. Just now I asked this question and he mentioned he will be busy with work. I said I can wait for him and guess what he replied.. He said " I dun feel like seeing you". Whoa~ *piang piang* I kena shoot by him man..so kesian. Nevermind lor. He dun wan to meet me..its ok geh although I feel slightly disappointed. Isit coz he scared that I will show tender feelings towards him? That I will declare my undying love to him? haha..oh my gosh..then I must clarify lor. Must convince him that it will not happen. Loving him..doesnt mean that I want to be with him. Thats what he has been trying to tell me for the past few months and now I am slowly getting there. Jiayou Jasmine Yeoh! ^__^ You can do it babe!! But still hor..feel hurt leh when somebody said it to your face that he/she dun wan to see you. Haih.

So tmr I dun have any plans..then after work I will just go home and relax..good also. I can finally go home and take a rest instead of rushing here and there like mad. haha. That lcw ar..say tired and wanna sleep but still continuing online and 'kau lui'. U see ar..he can comment on Agnes punya post but he never once commented on mine. Why ar? This guy is so ....ish!!! Nah..not pissed off. Dunno what to say. LOL. So I shall not say nor shall I think also. Waste of my time and energy. I shall use the time and energy to think of something more worthwhile. *winks*

Finally, I am off to bed. Kena harass by my friend dominic there. Saying if he feels tired at work tmr it will be all my fault. As if its my fault. Its not like he is staying online to accompany me. Nite nite the world!! May the world seems better when I open my eyes. ^_^

1st of June in the year of 2010

2010-06-01T23:33:00.002+08:00

Wow~ Half a year has gone by. Today is the start of the 2nd half of the year. Lets just say the 1st half year is ..dramatic, emotional and..I will not trade anything for it. hehe. So much has happened for the past 6 months. So much memories...and I love every part of it. Even if those incidents that happened are bad or heart-wrenching.

I am so lazy to type out my thoughts right now. I just want to lie on the bed and laze around. haha. Ok, let me do this briefly.

Hmm..lets see. I shall start with..I miss my small bear in the car. Every morning while driving to work, I miss the feel of it on my hands. Today is the same as any other day. I wish I can hug my bear. Just now while driving back home, i miss it even more because its late at night and I tend to feel vulnerable when its late at night. I will feel much more comforted if I have something to hold. I am now contemplating should I put the bear back in my car? If I put, it will be like a sign of weakness for me coz I will depend on the bear emotionally in some way. In example, now I am trying to be brave, daring and independent. If get lost already or driving in the dark, I will pull myself together and drive myself to the destination. But if I have the bear with me, I will tend to hug it and be scared and..I will not be able to toughen myself up. Do you get what I mean? Well...if you dun then I also dun wan to further explain coz I am so dead lazy right now to eleaborate further. Hmm..Should I or should I not? Part of me wants to but another part of me..dun wan to admit defeat (as in I want to be independent). Ok, this I shall think further later.

Today my day was okay. Drove to media agencies and discuss some things with them regarding on ads. Good start of the day I would say. Then when I am back to office, its already 12 stg pm. Dominic ajak me to go makan so the 4 of us (me, Dominic, Jason and this new guy Wai Loon) went to eat ban mee. I had spinach ban mee. The taste ok la but I still dun feel full. Dunno why. Must be because I did not have breakfast earlier. Apparently this ban mee shop is very famous. Its in Seapark there.

After lunch I felt super lazy. But of coz must continue working lar. I did my work and the next thing I know, its already 5.30pm. Can the time past by any faster? As I am meeting Lydia (my childhood friend of 17 years) at 7.30pm in Jaya 1, I cannot leave office sharp at 5.30pm. I told Dominic this and he teman me to yum cha. So sweet~ hehe. Of coz I happy la. Got one cute guy to accompany me wor. Sumo..he has a nice smile and he makes me laugh. A nice companion to have I would say. Anyway, I was too hungry so I had an early dinner- sweet & sour chicken. Yummy. I was really starving at that time. We chat till about 7.10pm lidat then he went back home to eat while I go upstairs to my desk to pack my stuff. When I walk into the office,Vaijan was still there at her desk. She teased me, asking me "Whats between you and Dominic? I heard that you guys were having tea session together only". haha. Oh my goodness..I clarified that its nothing. Just 2 colleagues yum cha only. I dun wan people to start spreading rumours. Just because a single guy and single girl hang out doesnt mean they are and will be together right?

Tell you another coincident thing. While waiting for Dominic and the rest to come down to office lobby during lunch time, I bump into Pooi Yarn at lobby. Then during yum cha after work, I bump into her at the restaurant. haha. Very coincident right? I miss that girl. Tomorrow she will be on leave. Thursday I only go to her desk there to kacau her. heehee. Aron is off for the whole week so I will not be seeing him the entire week. Less people to kacau this week.

Back to my story, while I was about to turn off my pc. Agnes (LCW's ex) send me an online message and we start chattin online for a short while. Unable to talk much coz I really was rushing off to Jaya 1. We talk about the weather and then she ask me how is my life. I asked her to guess and she replied that I look great and life is good for me. haha. She said I am much happier. I asked her if it is so obvious. She said yup. =) I suppose..life is indeed good for me. Everything seems so much better after I let go of my stubborness. Less emotional too I would say. =) Good for you Jasmine Yeoh!! heehee.

To continue the events of my day, while on my way to Jaya 1, it is BLOODY jam!!! OMG!!! I can kill myself adi. What to do? It was raining heavily at about 4 stg pm thus caused massive jams in all areas. Really can vomit blood. End up I only meet and chat with Lydia and her boyfriend for 30 mins then I have to ciao. I reached there about 8pm and have to leave at 8.35pm. I had Hot Chocolate Strawberry while I was with her. Taste quite nice. Hot choc in a cold day. This is what I call life~ enjoyment~ heehee

Why I have to rush off because I am going to catch a 9pm movie at Tropicana City Mall with Dominic. He has the free tickets to watch "Marmaduke". My 1st time watchin movie with him...Should I feel anything? I can just imagine what LCW will ask at this moment.."So isit very nice to watch with your leng cai? Got hold hands onot? Never? Why wor? You can go hold his hands mar". LCW is always so cute and funny!! haha.

The movie was..lame. I will not pay money to watch it nor will I spend $$ on the DVD. No way man. Its funny at some part but its more towards lameness and the plot is so predictable.

After the movie I balik rumah. Before that, I felt hungry and told that to Dominic. I hope he will not feel I am a greedy pig. =p He said he can teman me makan if I want. I did thought about it but..I am scared I will get fat! haha..but if I eat with him, then can spend more time with him lor..I was contemplating then I made a decision. Go home. If its the old me, I would have come up with many excuses just to hang out with him just like how I came up with excuses to hang out with LCW in the past back in Digi days. Those days are gone. Even though I am indeed hungry and wish to spend more time with him, I want to go home. I need my rest. Not to mentioned that I gotta spend some time blogging my thoughts which will delay my sleepin time.

Nah..he is just a friend to me. Nothing more for now. Let the time tell on how things will turn out in future. For now, I just want to enjoy my life and be happy. Let nature takes its course. Besides that, I am not ready for anything yet. Heart broken once and its still healing. My heart unable to open up to anyone at this moment. How can I when I still think of LCW most of the time? When I accept a new guy in my life, I want to make sure that in my heart, there is only him and no one else. =)

Ok, finish typing adi. Now I gonna brush my teeth and head straight to bed. Tmr is a big day for me. Gonna meet client. Lets just hope she will be interested to advertise in my magazines. Wish me luck!

Monday ain't so blue

2010-05-31T21:31:00.002+08:00

Lets see..this morning I went to an agency then after that went to uncle house and have lunch with grandma. Its so nice. I love grandma's cooking-even if its just mee + char siew. hehe. It still taste awesome.

After that I finish some paperwork and the next thing I know its already 4pm. I cannot go out to other agency because it has started to rain really heavily. Its horrible to be out on the roads at a time like this. Anyway, I curi-curi had a short tea break with my colleague and I had pao, curry puff and hot cup of over-sweet milo. haha. After that I continue with my work and the time just flew by. The next thing I know its already 5.30pm. One whole day just gone like that.

I drove home and suddenly thought of asking this person out. I was contemplating shud I or shud I not and I already know most likely the person will not have dinner with me. But then..i told myself.."why not? just asking only. no big deal". So i text the person and he really did replied he cannot make it tonight coz he has too much work to do. Hmm..somehow its what I predicted. Its funny how that..eventhough I already knew the answer, but I still want to do it or ask. Its as if I want to prove that I am right, what I assume or come to believe is true.

It is month end and I assume he will have tons of stuff to do. Suddenly in my mind, I thought of buying him food as I thought that he will stay back late in office. I already call myself foolish and dun do all this sort of nonsense and most probably he will be gone from office when I reach or maybe he will not want to see me. See! Even though I already predicted the outcome, I still want to go buy 'char siew fun' and drove to his office. When I reached, I tried to call but unable to reach his mobile. Maybe the place he is in has very weak signal. I called twice but still tak jadi so I text him. The ironic thing is the message got through. He replied that he has left his office 10 mins ago. I told him I bought him food and thought of passing it to him but...no reply from that guy.

Haha..I already know this will happen in the end so why am I still so stubborn and knock my head against the wall? I thought about it on the way to Chianyee house (I already told her in the afternoon that I will visit her after finish working. She is sick and I am worry about her). I sort of came up with a conclusion...I want to do this even though I already know the answer because..I want to hurt myself..I want to test myself..I want to know my limit..I want to make myself patah hati. True enough..even though I was disappointed that my plan did not work out accordingly but..I surprised myself in some way. I thought that I would be devastated and cry because I did not get to see him and my plan turn out the exact opposite but..I felt disappointed a lil and..relieved that somehow we did not meet each other. Deep down inside, I am not ready to meet him today..I dunno what to say to him nor do I know how to act around him..I mean..if we really did get to meet up then how? Can we talk? If yes what to talk? haha..i really dunno. I guess I am still am a chicken in some ways. I am scared to face the reality. I am scared to face him. I never thought the day will come where I will not dare to face him.

He must be really tired coz of the workload and I believe that he came home late yesterday. I know its none of my business yet..I still cannot help but care. Oh ya..before I forget. Let me tell you something, I told you earlier that I called him twice right when I reach but he did not pick up right? Well..after I sent the message telling him I bought char siew fun, he did not reply. 15 mins passed by and I decided to call him to clarify. I think his phone either no battery or the place no network at all coz the call unable to get through. I called twice/thrice and use my Maxis no. to call him to but still the same. My conclusion is..he reached home already and probably already knocked out on the sofa or bed and in addition, his phone battery is dead. Let see if my conclusion is correct onot (not that it matters anyway right?).

Anyway, I quickly text him that I called him just to explain buying the rice for him does not mean anything and hope he will not misunderstood my intention. I am so afraid that he will get angry at me for calling him so many times ( 5 times i suppose. Never keep track). I kena before from him that when he turn on his phone, he received about 10 miss calls and he was damn pissed at me and scolded me. That is why this time I am scared adi so I MUST text him to explain. I dun want history to repeat itself. haha. Kena marah once is enough. Lesson learnt! But the message did not get through so my conclusion that his hp is dead is most probably 80% correct. I just hope he will not misunderstood and get annoyed/frustrated with me. Thats all I ask.

You can call me foolish for doing this (buying him food and plan to surprise him) but I dun feel so lor. You see..this incident allows me to understand more about the current me - what I am feeling and thinking. Like I mentioned earlier, in the past I will feel heartache and disappointment and probably be moody the entire night and maybe the next day too but this time..just a twinge of disappointment then..I snap myself out from it. I did not feel moody the entire night. Probably just that 3-5 minutes only. haha. Apart from that, I also know that..what are my feelings towards this...erm..what is the appropriate word to use..?..issue? Ok, lets just use issue. I am not saying I have completely let go but I am not like last time already. Its not the fact that he isn't my bf adi hence I dun get angry or sad because he did not fulfill the obligation of a bf. Its definitely not that. =) I am very pleased with myself that..I am learning to let go..that..I will not be unhappy and release my emotions on people if I did not get things my way. You see, when bad things happened, something good always come out from it. In my case, the bad thing is my efforts are wasted because I did not get to see him and passed him the food, but the good thing is..I am healing day by day. I feel better as each day passed. That..even without him, I still able to live life to the fullest. I am happy to know this. The good thing that came out of it is ...I know myself better.

Yes, of course I still miss him even at this very moment but..doesn't mean that I will continue hoping to be with him again. He saw that love is not enough to sustain a relationship..that understanding also needed and I wasn't able to give him that in the past. Hence he just pull away from me. Its not his fault..its just a clash of characters between us. I was too blinded and naive back then that is why I wasn't able to see it. But now? I see it so much clearer. Let me say this again..my dearest, I love you and probably will always love you..but I see that we are unsuitable for each other. Walking in separate roads is probably the best (yet to be 1oo% sure so we shall just let time tell us). I will always be grateful to you. It is from you I learnt so much about everything - love, friendship, relationship, family and mostly..myself. I do miss you so much. I..wish we can be friends..I will still like it very much if you are part of my life in some way.

Ok, maybe this is gettin abit emo from the looks of it but I am NOT feeling emo at all. Looking at what I wrote..I am sure when I read this again few days later, I might probably laugh at myself for being so dramatic and emotional. haha.

Alright then, its 10.30pm. Time for bed~ Wait..i think I shall enjoy a movie 1st before I hit the sack. Oh..I am so hungry now..the yummy mango yoghurt is not enough..T-T I forgotten to have my dinner so just now at 9.30 I had yoghurt and thought it will sustain my hunget but manatau..1 hr later I am even more hungry. Where is my belt? It leaves me with no choice but to 'ikat perut' with my belt. haha.

A sudden thought as I was walking myself towards the fridge to try dig for some non-fattening food, in situation like this (LCW did not answer my calls or ignore me the whole night by also not replyin my msg), I would have been angry and end up fighting with him ..but that was all in the past. Aiyor..think bec I also feel silly. Its such a small matter only. Why la I want to make into a big issue and end up both of us fight? It is so unnecessary. Well..too late. Relationship ended adi..so make sure I do not repeat this in the future (which I am very sure I will not). (^__^)

Lazy Sunday

2010-05-30T16:01:00.003+08:00

Its already Sunday. Can u believe how time flies? It was only Thursday night and poof! Now its Sunday 4pm. Wow..I just wish time can stop sometimes so that I get to enjoy my days. I have not been writing for the past few days and there are so much to catchup. Ok, I shall 1st start with Wednesday. Hmm..Wednesday come and go in a breeze. I was kinda busy. Have to meet a client in SS2. As I was driving back to office, I passed by my ex-company, Guocera and I cannot resist the tempation to pop in and say hi to them. As I parked my car and walked towards the lift, a feeling of nostalgia washed past over me. The entire place seems familiar yet foreign to me. Lets just say its a very different feeling compare to last time as I walked towards Guocera office. Everyone seems very happy to see me. I talked to Daniel and met Aunty Cathy, Sharel and Angel. Its really good to see them. Sharel is so happy that she gave me a hug while Angel looked so surprise. haha. Everyone welcome me with a smile. It really makes me happy. I do feel alot better after seeing them. I guess its natural when u meet old frenz or colleagues.

Anyhow, after work, i yum cha with Dominic and Jason. Its really nice to chat with them. I gave some advise to Jason on where to bring his wife to over the weekends. haha. As for Dominic, poor guy. He keep on kena teased by Jason and sometimes by me. What to do? I just cannot resist it. He is so cute! Furthermore he is born on the same day and same month as me. Except different year. I look at him and sees him as my cute brother. Someone like..Desmond. hehe.

After that I drove to SS2 coz I am meeting Lay Ping again. When I reached there and drive in circles over the place, I realised there is nothing to eat. I know..its SS2 and how isit possible there is nothing to eat? Dun ask me for I have no idea either. After that Lay Ping called and she suggested we head over to Empire in Subang and makan at Chili's. I thought of the salad and my mouth waters just by having a vision of it in my mind. Sadly..because 26th May 2010 is the opening day for Chili's in Empire, the place is fully packed. We have to wait at least 30 mins for our table. LP stated its not worth it so we head to O'Briens instead. Its yummy too. My 1st try at O' Briens. Always wanted to try but somehow did not get the chance. We hang out there till 10pm then LP gotta head to Asia Cafe coz she is meetin her cousin sis there. She did ask me to join and I dun mind that. Its just that..I am already very exhausted. I wish to go home and lie on my bed. Once I got home, dad was still awake and we chat for a while. While chattin, Dad opened a bottle of this German beer and we shared. Its so cooling and when I took a swig of it..AHHHH~ it is so refreshing. Its been a long long time since I last chat with my dad. Not that I dun want to but there dun seem to be the opportunity. Sometimes, its becoz my stepmum is around thus makes me difficult to chat with him, sometimes he is already asleep when I am back home. There are times when I dun have the mood or he doesn't seem to have the mood. So..this is a good opportunity and moment for me. =D

After the chat, I still dun feel like sleeping despite feelin tired, hence I turned on my laptop and watched "The Backup Plan". I love JLo. She is so gorgeous. I love her hair and her body. I watched it halfway then I cannot stand it anymore. The minute I turn off the light, I knocked out. haha. Oh ya..Wed morning I was suppose to belanja my colleagues makan breakfast but I couldnt get out from bed and the jam was horrible. So..its postpone till...i dunno when. haha. But I definitely will belanja them. Everyone I met who knows abt my confirmation congratulate me. It seriously warms my heart. =)

Ok..now I shall move on to Thurday. Lets see..I think I drove out to meet someone..who isit ar? I cannot remember...but afternoon after lunch I recalled I drove to Puchong to an agency. When I get back to office its already 6pm..I hang out in office and chat with Pei Wen and V Ming (used to be my eye candy but now..he is just a guy..no more eye candy. haha). We chat till about 7.30pm then I drove to Jaya Palace in Menara LYL (PJ) coz I am having family dinner at 8pm. Parents reached there before I did and they were the 1st ones to be there. Poor them..my uncle only arrived at 8.40pm. I know its very late. While waiting, my dad mentioned he is hungry to my stepmum so I asked for the menu. Dad seems reluctant to eat so I just told him I am hungry (in actual fact I am not at all. I am still quite full frm my late lunch). Anyhow, we orderd "char siew siew yuk" rice. It is so little yet it cost RM 15. Can u imagine that and its the cheapest in the menu. Anyway..dad took a few bites(as I predicted). At least it cure his hunger temporarily. Poor guy. I ordered so he can take some of it. My uncle, aunty and my cousin sis only arrived at about 8.35pm if I remember correctly. I left the dinner at 9.30pm and rushed off to Tropicana City Mall to watch "Prince of Persia" with Lay Ping and Jin. OMG!! I LOVE the movie alot. Yes, there are some parts which are draggy but overall its good. I din know Jake Gyllenhaal will be so good in the film. I am so 'lum' by him. He totally melts my heart. I do want to watch the movie for the 2nd time. There are some scenes where his gaze totally shoots right through my heart and I wish I am the leading lady. haha. The movie was from 10pm-12am. I am so happy that Lay Ping got the tickets!!! Yes!!! I simply cannot say how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE the movie. heehee. Prince Dastan, will u be mine? =p

By the time I reached home, its already 1 stg am. I slept and end up woke up at 2.45am and I couldn't sleep again. I tossed and turned on my bed but to no avail, I am still wide awake. By 3.30 am, I get my butt up from bed and wash my face then head over to my ex-company, Guocera. I am to meet up with my colleagues from Guocera at 4am and had McD breakfast. Its too early so I cannot eat much. Me and Angel shared the hotcakes. kinda yummy. Later that, we drove to Kajang to meet up with a colleague then from there we head over to Broga Hill. By the time we start climbing, its already 6.10 am and it is so dark. Luckily some of my ex-colleagues brought torch light. I had so much fun hiking. I would love to do this again another time. ^_^

To cut story short, by the time I reach my home its already 1.30pm and after I bath, I had my lunch then drove to Pyramid to meet a few of my secondary school frenz. Its so difficult to find parking and this stupid man stole my parking! I got down from my car and tell him that and I tell u..he was so rude. Sheesh! Horrible person without any manners!!! Think he looks so good and thinks his car is so great! *Jasmine shows a vomit face*

I hangout with my friends from SMK Taman Petaling like Pei Yee, Hui Yin, Yen Ni and Pei Ying. Pei Ying and Yen Ni I have not seen them in years. Definitely more than 3 years. Its really good to see them again. We had our meals in Kim Gary for I have a sudden craving for French Toast! At about 8.30pm, I drove to Careen's house to pick her up and we take off to TTDI. We are to meet Eleanor, Eunice and Aron at Bamboo 9 in TTDI Plaza. The occasion is to celebrate Eleanor's birthday. I was so tired. But if Eleanor is happy then I am ok. I appreciate Aron and Eunice for coming. Thank goodness for them. If not the gathering tak jadi. Careen cabut off at about 11pm coz she is meeting another friend. But..i know she came because of me. I love you guys. =)

When I reach home, its already almost 3am. Wow~ can u believe that I have not slept in 24 hours time? Seriously..I was gonna collapse adi. I thought that I will sleep the whole mornin and afternoon away as I was so dead tired. In the end, I only slept for 9 hrs and I couldn't continue sleeping already. That is so sad because I still feel tired and want to rest. I had my fav breakfast which is cereal + fresh milk. Then watch some TVB series then Chianyee text me if I can accompany her to cut short her hair. Well..I already guess why she wants to do that. But...sigh..it hurts me to see her sad. Anyway, I am suppose to pick up my friend Lay Sim from her house at 5.30pm because we will be attending Navina's engagement party at her house in Kota Kemuning. When me and Chianyee reached the saloon, its already 4pm. After everythin settled its already near to 6pm. I did text Lay Sim that I will pick her up at a later time at about 6.30pm. When I drop CY off at her house, I ask her if she is ok..if she knows what she wants because its time to stop being miserable. Its been too long and she need to put a fullstop on it. I told her that no matter what I will stand by her side supporting her but she needs to know what she really wants and make herself happy. Suddenly she hug me and she sobbed her heart out. Sigh..I also cried because it really pains me to see her like this and..I understand her feeling..I was in that shoes too. You will feel like the world has lost its colour and meaning..that u just dunno how to move on..I told her lor that...time will really cure all heartache. I still miss LCW and still love him but..life has got to move on. I cannot hold on to the past because I will be stuck in the same place while he move on. I was very honest with her and hope I did not hurt her feelings but I gotta be frank with her. All along I have been sugar coating my words towards this love issue of hers and I just dun wan to continue that anymore. By the way, did I mention I had body ache all over? haha.

I was so late and thank goodness Lay Sim was not angry at me for being super late. Dad lectured me about punctuality. Oops! When we drove to Navina house, its already 7pm. Yikes! And the ceremony is startin at that particular time!!! Luckily..when we reach it just got started so the both of us did not miss much. Seeing her in a saree looking so beautiful and serene makes me feel...nostalgic. I have known her since I was 14 years old and now..she is getting married. Seeing her so happy makes me happy too. After the party, me and Lay Sim stayed back and helped her get out from the saree and the ornaments from head to toe. Later, we lie on the bed and chit chat till 1 stg in the morning. Its so good to catchup with the both of them.

Its been a year since I last saw Lay Sim coz she is studying in Auzzie and she is back in M'sia for 2 weeks only and then she will be flying off again. So fast..You know, I made a friend in the party. He is a friend of Shashi (Navina's fiance) and he is also single. When Navina found out, she keep on telling him that I am SINGLE. She urged him to exchange contact numbers with me. OMG!!! I was so shy..I mean..I am not desperate to know the guy even though he is a good catch I suppose.. a lawyer who has his own firm and drove a fancy car. But the thing is..I am not ready for love now. I am still healing from my past love and also, I am NOT desperate ok!! haha. Navina just wants me to be happy so she will try to matchmake me whenever she can. So sweet and kind. haha. I wanted to tell her that I can take care of myself but..I dun want to hurt her feelings by saying that. =)

Ok, we shall proceed to Sunday. Yay yay. After finished with Sunday, I can go to bed so I shall try to make this quick. This morning..I woke up at 10am and I drove to Pyramid (yes, again). Why? Coz i want to be there before the crowd invade the whole place. I already had a horrible experience finding parking on Friday and I have no intention of repeating the same old scenario. Its too irritating and frustrating. I went there to walk around and also, for the 1st time, I tried waxing. Just my legs only but the sales girl there continuosly persuading me to try brazillian wax. Nuh-uh! No way man..at least not now. haha. The experience was short and brief. Its not really painful (coz its only on the legs) but..feels abit shy and weird. haha. Its a nice experience I would say. heehee.

Later that, I went back home and had my bruch. Yup, cereal again. Then i went to HANDWASH my clothes (imagine the 1-week pile!) and later that wash and vacuum my car. I feel so much better after I had done the chores. While waiting for my clothes to dry, I watched DVD. Oh yar, today I was suppose to meet up with someone but end up that person got things to do so postponed to next week. This person already has a bad experience with me. He thought that I would be mad and sort of scold him for delaying the meet up. haha. Thinking back, I do will feel that but now..I dun. Of coz I will feel disappointed or abit unhappy but..there must be a reason why ur friend postpone ur meetup or unable to make it. I guess..u can say I have learn to be more understanding than I was. Bravo Jas. Keep it up. Like I said in previous post, everyday is a learning process for me. ^__^

Since I am free for the entire afternoon and evening, I decide to visit my granny. My cute baby cousins are there and they are so CUTE!!! Love them to bits!! I had a wonderful time playing with them. The sight of them never fails to bring a smile to my face. Ok..this is how my days has been. I am sure you will be thinking eventful right? I have no idea why. Its not like I have lots of frenz..but somehow I am alwaz so busy. See..how to fit my bf in? haha. Well..I will only figure that out when I have one. Now..all I want to do is go to my bed and relax. haha.

Monday, here I come!!!

Last Tuesday of the Month

2010-05-26T00:39:00.002+08:00

This morning started ain't so good. I had nightmares again. This time..someone/something suddenly turn into an ape and it start to attack this girl (I am viewing the whole scenario as a 3rd party but then..whatever the girl is feeling I felt it too). The girl ran and ran and I feel so 'gan jeong' for her too!!! I am so scared the ape will catch her. Suddenly..she just cannot run anymore and the ape has got hold of her. Just as he was about to bite/eat the girl, suddenly a gun shot and when turn around, there was this guy who was holding the rifle and aiming at the ape. When the ape fell on the ground, I just jolt awake. Man..this is so drama!!! How am I to sleep peacefully if I have dreams like this?

That is why when I was awake, I dun feel good inside out. A depressed and weary feeling washed over me. I feel so..energy-less (is there even such a word?). Anyway..driving to work is quite smooth today. If only traffic was like today all the time.

Morning and afternoon was busy. I had to do a report on Harian Metro, Kosmo, Berita Minggu, Mingguan Harian and Sinar Berita or stg lidat. Wow~ Spend the entire morning and afternoon doing that. Its for the agency meeting which was held at 4.30 pm.

While I was doing the research, an ex-colleague from Guocera , Wee sms me and ask me for lunch. I suggested tomorrow as I was busy with the research. She said tmr cannot so we met up for lunch on today instead. Its a lucky thing we did coz I felt so much better after seeing her and Swee Khim. I had 'lui cha' in Chow Yang. How i miss the place. I always have mamak food till I am quite tired of it already. We did not chat much but still managed to catch up abit. Its really good to see them. Both of them compliment me that I look prettier and happier, thus leaving Guocera is a wise choice. Haha. They are being too kind. These 2 ppl are 2 of my fav ppl in the company who are always there to advise and encourage me. =)

After lunch, me head back to the library and continue to do the research. My goodness, I did not know it will take so much of my time. Anyways, meeting come and go and guess what. I received my CONFIRMATION LETTER today!!!! Yay!!! I am so happy!!!! ^__^ I am officially a permanent staff!!! haha. Somemore the bosses are really nice and said such sweet things. Aww~ I can apply and plan my leave!!

I was thinking of heading back home and spend some personal time alone in my room with my range of DVDs and just...relax. But during the meeting, Lay Ping messaged me asking me if we wanna do dinner? Before this she told me she is meeting an old friend so I was surprised when she texted me this question. End up, a last minute plan was formed between us. After much thought and discussion, we finally end up at SS2 Murnis. At 1st I want to have stg healthy and non oily coz I am feeling so fat (and indeed I am getting fatter). Manatau my mind suddenly pop the image of Roti Hawaii and I was like.."I want to eat that!!". When I reached the restaurant, I saw naan and I suddenly craved for cheese naan. Gone case la..My diet is completely off the track!! I ordered this ice blended honeydew + cheese naan and Lay Ping ordered Mee Raja and Roti Hawaii (which we shared but I think I ate a bigger portion. =p). Its so delicious. Yummy~

After that, because of the restaurant being too over-crowded, we head over to Starbucks and sat there chattin from 8.15pm till 11.45pm. Impressive right? Lots of good laughs and heart-to-heart talk involved. Its really one of those great nights that leave u feeling good when you say goodbye to each other. =)

Ok, its already 1.25am and I need to sleep coz I have to wake up earlier and reach office by 8.30am. Why? Coz I promise to belanja my colleagues breakfast as I am confirmed! hehe.

Good night!

Beating the Monday Blue by wearing BLUE

2010-05-24T22:50:00.002+08:00

Monday has come and almost gone for me. Today was ...sort of a nice day but towards the end of the day, something happened at work which saddens me. I screwed up. Not really big but still big in my opinion. That I shall talk about it later. Now I dun have the mood to talk about it. Or at least..I am quite lazy to type it out. Kinda a long story.

The whole day past by quite fast. After work, I went to meet up with Jin and Lay Ping in 1 Utama. I had loads of fun chattin with them =) I am feelin much happier just by walking around the mall and also meeting them.

As I was driving away from 1 Utama parking lot, I pass by the new wing's entrance. It brings back memories where lcw picked me and Chianyee up from there after we return from our Genting trip and he drove Chianyee back home. He was so sweet. Before that we had an argument/misunderstanding. Sigh..everything was so sweet back then. I dun wan to elaborate. I just want to write out this point so that when I read back this diary of mine, it will reminded me of this beautiful memory and..I want to always remember it. Eventhough things has ended between us but what we had is undeniably special to me. .

Alright now, I am really exhausted as usual. Tmr nite I shall return home earlier and write more. good nite!! Please forgive my post for being so short and stiff. I know what I am writing is like..writing in point forms. haha

Weekend is over~

2010-05-23T22:57:00.002+08:00

Its Sunday night and its near to 12 am. My weekend is over...so fast. I wish a day has more hours.

This morning when I wake up, its already 10 stg. Yeap..I had another weird dream. I shall just ignore it. When will I ever have a peaceful nite's sleep? When I found inner peace within me? haha. At about 11am, me pick Chianyee up and we went to 天后宫 (Tian Hou Temple). I got lost abit but luckily in the end found our way. I really should familiarise myself with KL roads. At 1 stg pm, both of us reached home. Its time to do my laundry. I have no choice but to handwash my 1-weeks's clothes and its kinda time consuming. Wish I have a washing machine. By the time I finish washing and hanging the clothes out to dry, its already 2.15pm. I am so late for I have to be at Istana Budaya by 3pm to watch "West Side Strory Broadway Musical". I reached that place at 3.10pm..=( I got lost while driving there and let me tell you, I drove like a mad woman on the road.

The musical was ok. At some parts I find it boring. I know the story is similiar to Romeo and Juliet so..I already expect a tragic ending. I went to watch it alone. Why no partner to watch with u ask me? Because I only have 1 free ticket and I dun mind watching it alone. =) Its nothing to be sad about.

After the show, which ends about 5.30pm, I drove over to mum' house and yup, I got lost again. Pass by so many tolls. Sigh..spend so much money on toll today. I really no eyes to see. I dun even dare to calculate how much I already spent on toll the entire day. Definitely more than RM 10. Sigh.

Due to the fact that I was rushing here and there and not forgetting the HEAT, I had a headache when I reached Istana Budaya and it did not go away untill this moment. I am going to sleep it off. Tomorrow is Monday and the beginning of another week. =)

Me shall watched "Backup Plan". J Lo looks gorgeous in it.

Good nite!

A day well spent

2010-05-23T00:49:00.002+08:00

I have no idea why everytime I reach home, it is already way past 12 am and I will be freaking tired and sleepy.

Yes, this sentence is so repetitive. Anyways, this morning I met up with an ex-Digi collegue and its so nice to catch up with her. She is such a sweet and nice girl. She also already left Digi and now working in a bank. Sadly to know that the boss in that branch wasn't treating her well. Always bully her. Kesian betul.

We had late lunch in Chili Pan Mee at about 3 stg pm. Sigh..when I walk into the shop, it reminded me of someone. This 'someone' loves chilli pan mee alot. I wonder if he still visit that shop?

By the time we part, its almost 4pm and I decide to drop by to see Chianyee. Long time did not catch up with her. Went into her room I straightaway lie on her bed. I was just so tired. While chatting with her, I nearly fell asleep. Today was one of those good days for her. Why I said this? Its because..the not so good days were me talking alot and she being moody and unresponsive, while the good days are like today, she is talkative. hehe. Well, I was so sleepy till I nearly fell asleep at some point while she was talking about something. haha. Of course she scold me. =p Then she said she is hungry and was so busy with work till she forgotten to take her lunch. Since she already said that, I have to take her out to eat because..I will feel bad and guilty if I don't. She wants to eat something cheesy and the only place which is near to us is Pizza Uno. Yes, I also have to drive her to the restaurant to eat. I love that place and the environment. I ask her if she feels paiseh that I am driving her to eat eventhough the person who is hungry is her? She happily and guilt-freely replied "No" with that look. LOL. Of course I dun mind driving her. Sometimes, I feel like a boyfriend towards her. What can I do? I cannot possibly reject her right?

At about 7pm I gotta rush home to prepare myself coz me am meeting Eleanor, the birthday girl Careen and Eunice in Pyramid. I am to pick up Careen and reach by 8pm. Our itinery for that night is..chillin in Opera and enjoy the pole dancing competition which is held there. Haiyor..I felt as if nothing to see! Some girls who did the dance..my goodness..so stiff and langsung unattractive to watch. I dun mean their physical appearance but their performance itself. Opera was so boring!!! The music there is kinda lousy. Really lor, next time I will not feel like going there again.

At about 10 mins to 11pm, we decide to ciao because the 4 of us couldn't stand the boredomness that is emanating from the so called club. We proceed to Wong Kok and I stole away to Starbucks without Careen realising it. I want to buy a slice of cake to surprise her. ^__^ Manatau, while I was walking towards my destination, I was lookin at the phone and did not see where I am walking and next thing I know "BAM!". I knocked into the figurine. Its the Sunway Lagoon mascot- a blue penguin. My "Oww!" was so loud till I certainly gotten the attention of the customers in Starbucks and also people who are walking around me. It is so embarassing. I should be used to it by now as I am always doing embarassing stuff but still, I cannot help but feel a LIL malu at times like this. However, I chose to ignore. =P I bought this Chocolate Caramel cake for her. She loves it and I am happy to see her happy. =D We chit chat till 12am then ciao coz I was too tired and Careen's bf also nearly there to pick her up.

After a hot bath, I felt so much comfortable. I want to watch movie..should I or should I just hit the sack? Hmm...

Weekend is here!

2010-05-22T00:39:00.002+08:00

I just love Fridays and furthermore, its dress down day for me in my office so means I can wear jeans to work. I love it!! If only I can wear my sport shoes then it will be even better. ^__^

This morning I was really sleepy. I had a weird dream again..While driving to work, I nearly fell asleep a couple of times. I know its really dangerous but I feel like a zombie. I cannot seem to keep myself awake. I have no idea what did I do till I was so tired to this extent. Maybe because every night have to spend at least 30 mins to type out my thoughts thus caused me to sleep later than usual. Seriously, this whole week my maximun sleepin hrs is less than 6 hours. This is crazy. The time just past by without me realising it.

Lets see..today was an okay day for me. Boss not around. heehee. After work have yum cha session with few of my colleagues. There is about 8 of us (including me). Quite a big group I would say. Our topic ranged from work related stuff to homosexuality and then transvestite, ending with raid in clubs. haha. Interesting betul!!

After the yum cha session (which ended about 8.15pm), I rushed back to Taipan Old Town to meet Charissa, Siew Kean and Suchen. V Ming and Pei Wen got ajak me to go to Opera because they will be meeting up Angela tonight but..by the time the 2nd round of yum cha ends, its about 11 stg and I am too tired to go to drink in Opera.

I reached home about 12 stg and I am so dead tired. I cannot even see clearly. Even as I am typing now, I cannot really focus on the screen and the words look blurry to me. Somemore I have to fetch Suchen back home just now (I dun mind at all coz helpin a friend mar) and she seems worry about me coz I am so blur. haha.

Lets see..what is the thought that has been going through my head?Hmm...I did thought of him but I remind myself that there is nothing to hope for so there is no point to think about him. I thought about chemistry and passion between 2 people. Will I ever find it again?

Ok, my brain is quite dead now. Cannot bring it to function. I shall be off to dreamland!!! =)

A much better day

2010-05-20T23:37:00.002+08:00

As usual, I am so tired while I am typing this. Its quite sad that everytime I am writing my blog, I will definitely be dead tired. Don't care. I am gonna write untill 12 am and then I am gonna hit the sack no matter what. I really need to get some rest.

Ok, let me start about my day. This morning when I get my butt up from bed, my heart don't feel that heavy as compared to yesterday(wednesday). I will not say I am happy but not it was not aching either. I just feel..kinda hollow at some point. The jam today was quite terrible! It took me almost an hour to get to my office. Sheesh. Throughout the journey, I felt as if something is not right and yes, the 'not right' is because I am missing the feel and presence of my favourite travelling companion, the small bear. Just now while I was driving back home from Tropicana City Mall, I also miss the bear. You know la..its very dark and I am alone. It will be comforting if I got the bear to hold on to. I am now contemplating should I take the bear out from my closet and place the bear in my car. Somemore I was saying lets try it for a week without bear, I cannot even last 2 days. haha.

If you ask me did I think of him, I will be lying if I say no. There will be a couple of times the image of him or our memories passed through my mind. =) Of course I still care for him and love him but I have finally accepted the fact that even though we might still love each other, doesn't mean that we can share a life together. Maybe as friends but not as a couple. He saw it while I did not. But, its never too late.

If I thought that I have learn 2 days ago after the cold and harsh call I received from him (I will never forget the words he uttered from his mouth - "Will you just stop it!!" Ouch~that hurts), I am wrong because everyday I am discovering new viewpoints, new understanding. I am learning each day and I am happy about it. I dun like the fact that I was dwelling in misery. Today I see things much clearer compare to 2 days ago. Lee Chern Wah is a great guy. He is wonderful just the way he is. It is not his fault that he cannot open up his heart again to me and want to be with me in future. I do admit alot is my fault because of my character, behaviour and understanding of things. Sadly, I see that I pushed him alot. I always pushed him to the limits till he lose control. I should be patient and give him space and time. Let the truth reveal itself to me in time. One of my flaw (which also caused the end of the relationship) is my impatience. I cannot wait and everything also want to know so I push and force till I get he info or anything I want. Yes, I am damn selfish. I see it so much clearer now. Its sad that I did not see that before, if not me and him might still be together. However, its all in the past already. He saw that we are indeed incompatible at all thus he decided to end it. One must step away when he/she sees that things are not working out at all in a relationship. I was too controlled by my emotions while he is more rational in this sense. In some way, I am glad that he chose to walk away. If he did not, both of us will still be suffering and most likely in misery. Once you step back, the view is much wider and clearer. Just like..if me and him still together, I will not understand and go through all this. I will not learn and probably continue hurting people who cares about me or I might be causing pain to others without even realising it.

I know I still have many flaws but I will discover it one by one. Its just a matter of time. All these experiences makes life more interesting. We are humans thus make mistakes and learn from them so we can be avoid the same mistake from occuring in future.

Now I wonder..why didn't I realize all this while I was with him? Why was I so selfish and force him? Why can't I just leave him alone? Why do I want to hurt and irritate him that much? haha...i know why..I couldn't see nor understand all these back then. I was much more childish and naive than I am now. I wasn't a fool..I was just..inexperience about life and human behaviour. I know that there is so much more to learn about life, me and human & I am so looking forward where the path will lead me to. =) LCW is just a stepping stone. The beginning of my journey.

Its funny how I look at things differently compare to Tuesday or even past few weeks. Each day I am achieving the so called inner growth. =)

That poor guy. He has been going through alot like family responsibilities relies on his shoulder, his stressful work and probably his friends. All of these are really heavy on his shoulders till..he cannot breath. To be frank, I am still worry and concern about him. I dunno if he is ok with his work or his family. I wish I can show him my concern but..whats the point? Who am I to even care about him? I will believe that he is a big boy and know how to release his stress. Wish he can be much happier now that I am not there to haunt his life. hahaha.

After what I did to him, he probably hates me now. Even if dun hate at least find me damn annoying and irritating. Could be also that he has truly given up hope/faith/any feelings he had on me. I deserve that i guess. Ok la..enough about him and all this emo stuff. I recently only found out that his ex (Agnes) checks my FB, my blogs and whatever social network I am on, she will check on it. She even calls herself a stalker. haha. This post she will definitely read it. I dunno how to react about that. If she is so free to check on me, so be it. =) But i sure will not stalk on her coz I have more important and fun stuff to do than check on people's site or whatever not. Maybe I used to do that to my crush or LCW but those days are done. Of course I will have the urge to check on his FB page but if I know what he is doing, then..? What can I do? Who am I to even bother? The answer is no one. If I check on his page and I found out he fell for some girl, I dunno if I can take it onot. So, as much as I would like to know, I dun dare to bring myself to see his page. I am scared. I am afraid that I will come across some things which will hurt me again. I need to protect this heart of mine. Its been hurt so many times and I dun wan to get the wound open up again just when it is startin to heal. Yeah..I am so drama right now. =p But its the truth la.

Wow..12.15am adi. Ok, i really have to stop writing. But before I end this, let me say that tonight it was awesome. I had a wonderful time chillin with my pal Lay Ping and also get to watch Shrek Forever After. The final installment in the Shrek series. Its nice and funny and worth the watch. If I am not mistaken, I believe I watched Shrek 3 with LCW. Was it in July? After the PD trip? Nevermind, its not important anymore. True Love is the theme. Is there such thing as true love?

Alrightey then, good nite!

One door closes and another door opens

2010-05-20T00:35:00.002+08:00

I am so tired right now that if I just close my eyes, I can fall asleep straight away. Actually I am very lazy to type down what I have done right now. Wish I can postpone to tomorrow but since I promise myself that I will write everyday, I will stick on to my promise (lets see how long can this last. haha).

This morning when I wake up, I feel heavy hearted. I just feel like a zombie. No mood for anything. Then when I drove to car, I miss the small bear's presence as I always placed it on my lap and hug it while I am driving. Well, I have no choice coz this is my 1st step (or isit 2nd? 3rd step? i dunno) of letting go. I must learn not to miss the bear. Lets just see 1st for a week, if after a week I still miss the bear, then I might consider putting it in my car again. Only that small bear. The rest shall still remain deep in my closet.

What I was feeling inside must be very obvious on the outside coz when I was in office this morning, a colleague of mine (Vaijan) ask me if I am ok because I look so sad. I told her I was ok. The morning did not past by well coz I screwed up in Galaxie magazine meeting. Sigh. Nevermind, its over and I'm done with it already. I shall learn from my mistakes.

Afternoon past by in a jiffy. After work, yum cha with this sorta new guy at work. He has the same birthdate as me. haha. But different year la. Too bad. It will be so cool if I can find someone who shares the same date of birth as me. heehee. Anyway, this is one nice and friendly colleague but too bad we work in different department that is why don't have the opportunity to hang out. Yum cha is always a good bonding session. He is a nice friend to talk to because we seem to have so much to chat about. You know, there are some people who are really nice yet...you cannot really talk to them because you dunno what to talk about. I like friendly and talkative people. =) Then Aron joined us and he can just straightaway talk to Aron. I was very surprised coz I thought he will be kinda shy. But no! hehe. Both of them team up to tease me. All is Aron Raj's fault. Furthermore, Aron go and tell him all those negative stuff about me which includes one of his favourite - "jojo won a chatterbox award during MUFY". haha. He will never ever let me forget about that and DEFINITELY WILL tell that to every friend I have. Seems like he is very proud that I won that award. ^__^ I am so happy that colleagues in my office are so nice and I seem to be making new friends with colleague almost each week.

Aron told me after that he likes that guy coz he is friendly. hehe. Anyway, after that I went to the office and chill with Pooi Yarn and also Aron. I dun want to continue talking in the mamak coz my boss is there having dinner and I erm...am shy la to talk there. Guess what? The 3 of us chit chat from 8pm-10pm in the office itself.

On the way home, I called Aron and the 2 of us head to Starbucks in Taipan. I had my Hazelnut Hot Choc (yummy) while Aron had the dragonfruit + kiwi juice. It is nice. Next time I will try that. At about 12am only we drove back home. Nice to chat with Aron. At the same time, we were both checking out the chicks there. haha. More like he checking out and I just kepoh and look coz I am curious at his taste of gals. There is one girl which Aron likes, a sweet bookish nerdy girl but with a nice ass. Omg..if Aron knows that I am typing all this here, he will stranggle me. haha.

Tomorrow is Thursday!! yay yay!

Slap wake to reality

2010-05-18T23:25:00.002+08:00

You know..when I wake up from bed, i will have this heavy hearted feeling or an ache in my heart. It depends. Some days I will feel ok the moment I open but my eyes but this kind of days are rare. I feel as if something is missing in my world. I just need that something then it will be complete. Yes, I am sure everyone knows there is only one thing I need is only him.

Its already 5 months since we broke up and I still cling on to this pathetic hope that somehow, someday we will be together again. This is what I call living in denial. I do know that. I keep on saying it is dificult to forget him, it is impossible to let go of my feelings towards him and also telling everyone I am ok and I already let go. I am just giving excuses to hold on to something which is not even there anymore. I mean, who am I kidding? I can tell to the whole world that I am ok but in the end I cannot lie to myself. At first I thought of this as a way to psycho myself. I tell myself that if I keep on telling the world that I am ok, sooner or later I will believe in it and truly be ok. Goodness..I am only fooling myself here.

Today I purposely call him countless times just to irritate him and he gotten mad. He did not say it but I know he is trying to tell me that I am freaking irritating. He was very annoyed and he called me to scold me. In the end he did ask me to stop doing this, I asked 'why?' and he hung up the call on me. I was a fool to even ask why. I already know the answer. I just got to stop contacting him. I send a text mesage asking if he is avoiding me. He scolded me that " What kind of sms are you sending to me. Do you know the meaning of BUSY onot? Dun you know that I am very busy? This is the reason why I break up with you. It was a wise choice and I have no regrets. You will never learn and you will never change. I already have problems at work and now you are sending me all this crap. Can you stop doing all that?".

I was having dinner with Lay Ping at 1 Utama's Chili's when he called me. He said that I am so childish and what was it that is so important that I gotta call him. I told him I only called twice but subsequently, I suspect my phone got problem because unable to call out. No network like that. He obviously do not believe me and think of it as a ploy from my side just to irritate him. He was so pissed off. I think, its more like he IS STILL VERY pissed off.

Yes, I admit that I have done wrong in this case. LP say I did not give each other space and time to cool off. There is no point for me to continue contacting him because he already don't want to be with me. He is already taking steps to move on while I am still holding to a rope which will only get myself killed in the end. There is no denying the fact that deep from my heart, I long for us to be together again. That is why I refuse to accept the simple truth - he has gotten over u and obviously do not want to be with you any longer. This fact has been dangling right in front of my eyes screaming for my attention yet I chose to ignore it. Pretend I did not see it and continue living in my fantasy world that he will come back to me again some day. Isn't it stupid of me? I hate myself so much because I am just TOO pathetic. Even I myself also cannot stand my ownself. Big sigh. Is first love like this? First cut is the deepest?

LP say he is so kesian because I am just to needy. Too obsessed with him that I still long for his attention. Hence the calls and msgs. I just got to stop it because if I continue this, he is going to hate me. You know what, I already think he has started to hate me. Just now during the call, his voice was so frustrated, angry and harsh. I know he really cannot tahan me anymore. Apparently he got some hard time at work and there I was disturbing and annoyed the hell out of him. Yar, I do know its all my fault.

After what he said to me, I was in a dazed mode. I couldn't speak for awhile. As a very chatty person who is suddenly very quiet, obviously there was something wrong with me. LP gotten concern about it but I just cannot tell her what was wrong. After some time and sorta finished my yummy quesadilla (which i love it so much. yum yum!), I finally able to open up a little and tell her a little about my story. Before I even finish narrating, LP already start to shoot me kau kau. To cut things short, she made me see the light. She made me see how childish and selfish I am and because of my behaviour over such a small issue, I caused pain to others. She also said that I always say I love him but this is not love. Loving is not only letting go but also about wanting the other party to be happy. She said that each day I will feel like shit coz I miss that person, somehow some things will remind me of him, there will be times where I will want to call or message him, or there will be times where all I want to do is just cry and cry and cry. She said that as much as it hurts me, I will get better. 1 year perhaps. or 2 years or even longer. It all depends. Yes, I have put in my heart & soul into the relationship but things do not work out in the end. However, never regret what has happened but appreciate that it had happened. Because it helps to mould you into who you are today.

*Jasmine thinking hard at this moment*

Even though he told me he does not want to be with me anymore, I do not blame him. The fault is not on his side. Scissors comes in a pair. It is useless if it works in single. I really don't want him to hate me, I still have a tiny hope we can somehow be friends. That is why..when Lay Ping say if I continue this, it will make him feel disgusted and hate me, that is the part where I was slapped fully awake from my current in-denial land. I have been living in denial for too long and refuse to face the truth.

I tell you, I cried there and then in Chili's then went to the ladies and continue crying there. After that I cried in the shopping mall itself while LP walk me back to Chili's. It was embarassing but I just couldn't care much. I was too hurt, depressed and in pain. Yes, my heart was aching so badly till I cannot breath. I told myself that its time let go and this time, I really can do it because my heart is saying "let go my dear. U can do it. U must do it". If I still continue to hang on to false hope, I will forever be in misery.

I controlled myself after that because Aron, Maxine and Mindy has arrived. But I just don't feel so good. At about 10pm, I walk back to my car. They will be continue at The Curve Library with some cocktails but I was too tired for it. All I wanna do is to go home and..rest I guess. I also dunno what I wanna do but I just cannot move anymore. Brain has decide to block out everything and focus on 'misery'. The moment I got into my car, I cried and cried till I reach home. I cried so loud somemore. By the time I reach home, I cannot see clearly already because my eyes are swollen. Once I am in my room and after a hot comforting bath, i lay out the stuff he gave me - nohohon, big bear bear, snall bear bear, the ring and also the key chain all on the bed. As I say goodbye to all these stuff, memories flood in my head. My heart aches the most when I put the bears in a bag. I threw away the roses (which are dried now obviously) into the bin.

Now, the gifts he gave me are at the top shelf which I will not see because when I see it, it will only hurt my eyes and my heart. I am fully letting go.

Just forget it Jasmine Yeoh. Things have really come to an end and there is no turning back. Do face the reality. No matter how much I pray, he will not come back to me again. Don't be so stubborn Jas.

Monday blues

2010-05-17T23:15:00.002+08:00

Today I was feeling moody. No mood to work at all. Everything seems to be very dull and lifeless.

Before I log in to blogspot, I got tons of stuff I wanna say but now, at this hour (11.20pm), I am feeling too tired and lazy to type out.

I am feeling dull and down today is because...well...there is only one thing lately which is causing me to be down and everyone knows what is that. Sigh..I am so sick of feeling this way. See, I myself also know and cannot stand it yet my pathetic heart just unable to let go? Why? What is so great about that guy? Why do i still care for him so? What does he have that makes me long to be with him?

Sigh..me am just purely pathetic as...ok, I dunno what comparison to use coz I sure will not call myself shit. haha. But seriously, when can I truly let go of this feeling? I am sure all my friends also cannot tahan me already.

I know I emailed him last week and told him that I will not contact him at all already. That I will be out from his life. But then, I don't seem to be able to do so. I am just so..malu case. No eyes to see me at all. I hate myself for being like this. Why can't I be firm? I already told myself to let go and yet my heart is doing it otherwise. How can I synchronize my mind with my heart?

Anyway..I stayed in office the whole day. Almost 12 hrs. Wow. By 8.30 pm, my brain already shut down so I just chat in FB. Surprisingly Chianyee is there and I chat with her and the topic revolves around Yao Sin. I know she misses him. Sigh..it saddens me to see her sad. Its been a long time since we chat like that. There were days when there are no topic between us coz either she is moody, or I am down or BOTH of us also moody and no matter what was said to us just will not masuk telinga nor will it cheer us up. See, this is what Love did to us. Life was so much simpler before love comes into the picture.

I was telling Chianyee that I was also chattin with my ex punya ex and his brother at the same time. Guess what her reply was. --> ... & =.= haha. I knew that was gonna be her respond. Anyway, it is kinda weird to chat with my ex punya ex in some way. I know my ex sure will not like it but..haih..should I still care about what he thinks? Yes? No? Anyway, apparently my ex punya brother broke up with his gf of 3 years. That was the surprise news for the day. I totally did not expect that. What is this? Is breaking up a new form a disease that is spreading everywhere? LOL.

Anyway, we chat till 9 stg then I cepat-cepat cabut balik rumah. Tried to watch the finale of the TVB series I have been watching nonstop for the past few days but the DVD got problem. Other chapters are ok except for the finale. So disappointing. T-T

Anyway, just chat with Aron and he seems to be kinda pissed off and he is refusing to talk to me. He is pissed at his colleague and I was jokin with him and I kena that anger. haha. He is the 2nd one for today. 1st person was Liwei. She is also pissed at someone. I tried to comfort her but manatau she said I take the other party's side and she is angry at me. Haiyor..these 2 people here are just so cute. Nah..I am not mad nor sad at all. I understand they are just in 1 of those moods. In the morning when they are awake, they will feel much better and forgotten all about it. =) I dun mind them scolding me or releasing their anger/disappointment/frustration at me, just as long as they feel much better after release it all out is what that matters to me. I understand how they feel so I would like to help them in any way I could.

Ok, its near to 12 am and I should get some sleep. Be ready for the meeting in the morning.

Before that, let me blurt this out. I am so tempted to call him again but I know he will not pick up my calls nor will he respond to me. He will try to treat me as cold as possible. Haih..once again, Jojo is damn pathetic wei.

Good nite!

Sunday (16th May 2010)

2010-05-16T22:33:00.002+08:00

Sunday is here!!! Today is my pal Syafique's birthday. Somebody has turned 24 today. hehe.

This morning when I wake up, I don't have a good feeling about the day. Lets just say I feel moody and sien the entire day. Today is the day where I missed a person who I am not suppose to miss alot. Sigh..I wish to call him and talk to him but...I lack the courage to feel rejected all over again. I know that if I text him or call him, he will not reply or answer my call. It hurts but I have to accept this reality.

I know it has only been a week since we had a long chat but this entire week feels like months already. haha.

I miss him. I want him. I just wish to talk to him.

But..I must admit that this 1 week I have discovered some things about myself which I have never seen before. Each day is a learning process for me for each day I will learn something new or I will discover something. It never fails to make me in awe about life itself.

Ok, today after awake, I watch TVB drama which is exciting and interesting. Then I wash my clothes. After that have brunch and continue watching the series. Later that went to visit granny in SS2 about 5 pm. Its been 2 weeks since I last saw her and I miss her alot. Its so nice to sit down at the sofa by her side and listen to her talk. =)

Yikes!!! Thunder!!! Alright, I shall have to end here. Thunder sounds very scary....

Saturday (15th May 2010)

2010-05-15T23:33:00.002+08:00

Okay..I am very exhausted at this moment and very lazy to type out. But since I already promise myself to write everyday in hope to cure my sleeping problem, I shall stick on to it.

This morning I set my alarm at 5.30am but I snooze it till 6am then only awake and bath. I slept for less than 5 hrs. This is madness. I reach office at 6.45am and boss came to pick me up at about 7am. We went to National Art Gallery because the Kuntum-McD Colouring Competition is held there. We gotta be there by 7 stg to help out. My god..there are more than 4000 kids registered for this event. It was crazy. First, there is the registration which is very disorganized.Wait..isit disorganized or unorganized? Hmm..Anyway, the registration drag on to an hr instead of 30 mins as planned earlier. Its so hot and I was sweaty and feeling hot! By 11am, a headache already formed in my head thanks to the heat. Secondly..there were some dissatisfaction and blaming on the colleagues side. I will not think about that.

I shall talk more about the event the next time as now my brain is almost going to a sleepin mode. Now all I want to do is just lie down on my bed and watch "Did you hear about the Morgans". I watched halfway and it is quite ok. =)

By the time I reached office, its already 3pm. Then I gotta pick up my cousin brother from SS2 and we are to attend this beer survey at Damansara Intan. I reach my own home at 5pm. Then have to bath and rush to pick Siew Kean and May Ling from their house. Man..I am so tired. Really no time for me to rest as much as I would like to take a short nap.

I got a bit pissed with Siew Kean and I gave her a piece of my mind. I am not exactly sorry about what I said but I should not have sorta throw my tantrum at her I guess. Here it goes..I was suppose to pick her up at 5.30pm. Well..I did not expect to reach home at 5pm. After bath and everything, its already 5.30pm sharp. I told her I will be coming over to pick her up at that time but before that I am to pick up May Ling. Manatau the reply I get is " O..you are late..hmm..". What is this? So I called her and she said she has asked Suchen to pick her up. I was like "What?!". I mean..c'mon..i was only late for 5-10 mins and I am sorry for that but please understand me. I told her straight that I was busy the whole morning because of work and now just because I was late for a few mins, she has decided to just ask someone else to pick her up.

I suppose I am also cranky abit because really exhausted and lack of sleep. But when we meet at Neway Subang to celebrate Seow Chin's birthday, I apologized to her and she gave me a hug. We are friends mar so should not remember all the negative stuff. But this reminds me of the time I threw tantrum to my ex and I feel very bad about it. Wish I got some way to make it up to him.

I wore this shirt to sing k and guess what? The shirt is the one which I wore it to my 1st date with him. It really brings back memories everytime I look at it.

Its nice to sing k with the gang. I had so much fun. I even screamed at the top of my lungs which is a good form of release for me. I feel so much better. =) I love all my friends so much. ^__^

If you ask me if I miss him today, got lor..I will have this urge to call him but then..I also dunno what to talk to him about. I guess I just want to hear his voice only. Ok, enough said about him. I shall continue watching my DVD and head to bed.

Good night everyone!

Friday (14th May 2010)

2010-05-14T23:34:00.002+08:00

Yay!! Its Friday and this means casual wear at work today for me. If I can wear casual to work, i would love to wear my jeans. hehe.I mean..it will not be casual anymore if I wear dresses or skirts coz thats what I wear usually on workin days. I want my casual day to be different than the normal days. ^__^

This mornin is one of those days where I open my wardrobe and stare at it for 5 mins without able to find anything to wear. I alfready woke up later than usual and now I am wasting 10 mins of my time trying to search for something to wear. haha.

I finally chose my outfit. Jeans of coz but the top..I chose this blue spaghetti top with a lavender cardigan. When I wore this outfit, it reminded me of the day (3rd day of CNY) where I bump into my ex with his female best friend in pyramid. Lets just say this outfit does brings back memories. Is it a good thing or bad thing I dunno and I don't want to dwell on it.

Anyway, my day was ok. Morning I followed my colleague to an agency in Damansara Perdana. The staff in the agency are nice and friendly people. Then when I reach office, its time for lunch. I join Pei Wen, V Ming and Crawford to Tropicana City Mall and had Ninja Pork Burger for a meal. Its not enough for me due to the fact that I am a greedy girl. =P I walk over to Daily Fresh and ordered peanut butter + strawberry waffle as dessert. My favourite combination. Its not as yummy as the stall in SS2. One day I must go to SS2 and buy the delicious waffles again. Hope its still there. Many years has passed since I last visit that stall. Its right in front of Babyland. Not forgettin to mention that I bought Durian Egg tarts to try too and it is yummy!

After lunch, I feel so sleepy, heavy and lazy. I checked my mails then drove over to Damansara Heights to another agency to pass some magazines to her. Later me and my colleague, Genevia went to National Art Gallery (her car but I drove). We got lost and end up at KLCC, the at Concorde..haha. Called Crawford and luckily got his directions we only able to find our way. We help the circulation people and also marketing staff to pack for the Kuntum-McD colouring competition which is to be held tomorrow (15th May 2010). There are 4000 goodie bags to be packed. OMG. When we left at 7.30pm, there is another 1000 goodie bag yet to be packed. Me and Genevia have to go back to office already as we have unfinished work to attend to. Both of us dunno the roads well so another colleague guide us back. That was very kind and sweet of him.

After back in office, I am seriously tired adi because I have been driving almost the whole day. Yes, driving back to office also is me. Its a nice feeling to be the driver coz u feel in control. Yeap, I used to love to be the passenger rather than the driver but now..things have changed. Continue with my story, after back to office I check my mails and also facebook. I saw Lee Chern Wah online. I was very surprised because it is already near to 8pm. Me wonder he was in office or at home. I unable to resist the urge to send a message to him via FB. As I predicted, he did not reply me. Its nothing unusual about that. It is just what I expected. I guess you can say I know him well enough to some extent.

I click and view his page too in FB. I thought I can deal with it but..I am not strong as I lead myself to believe. I was surprised to find out that he actualy slept at 4 stg in the morning? Why? He stated he was emo-ing and missing someone. Could the person be me? Dare I to be hopeful? I have no idea. Of course I would like to know the answer but I will never ever find out. If he really misses me and wants me, he will contact me. I am trying to brush all these hopeful thoughts aside. I am not goin to force myself to let go or forget him because it ain't easy when you love someone with all of your heart. I am just going to let everything flow naturally. =)

I saw his best friend's Pei Yin's wall post. Apparently they are going to have some makan session. Well, I felt something in my chest and it is not a nice feeling. I believe I can label it as jealousy. Yar..I do admit that I am jealous she gets to hang out with him while..him not wanting to see me anymore. Sigh..I am not going to think anymore on this. In actual fact, who he wants to see is none of my business at all anymore so I should not care. Honestly..as long as he is happy, then I will be. I still care for that guy alot. I am worry about him and wish to know if he is ok. So what if its none of my problem anymore, that doesn't mean I will stop caring him. I will be damn hurt if he ever date another girl but I will keep on telling myself...his happiness is what that matters.

Ok, back to the topic. After that at about 8 stg I drove to Subang Parade to meet the gang. TGIF again. I am actually kind of bored of TGIF coz I just went there on Wednesday! Today go again and the price ain't cheap at all.

I am gonna hit the sack. As much as I would love to continue expressing out my thoughts, my brain is not fully functioning. I need to sleep now if I have to be awake at 5.30 am. Why? Gotta attend the coloring competition which I gotta be there at 7am.

Before I go..let me say..I miss you dear. I really really do. I wish I can still communicate with you but ..I know you will not respond to me. That is really sad. What we had together is memang beautiful. I dun wish that to be thrown away. All these good memories I shall forever keep in my mind. I am so happy that in your heart there is me. =) I know you still love me despite what you said. I am also very happy that you actually thought of me..

Startin a Diary

2010-05-13T21:26:00.002+08:00

I have been having sleeping problems. Ever since my break up few months back, I have been having difficulty in sleeping. Yes, I do sleep for more than 8 hours at times but then, every night my sleep is accompanied by dreams. All sorts of dreams, could be sweet or some kind of adventure but most of the time, I had nightmares or weird dreams. The kind that left you feeling not so good the moment you are awake. There were even times while I was sleeping and dreaming this horrible dream, I told myself in my dream “I want to wake up. This must be a dream. Why isn’t the alarm clock ringing yet? Get me out from here. Wake up Jasmine!”

See! Can you imagine how terrible it is for me? Sigh..I already am very tired yet I am unable to get the rest I need. It is dreadful. I mentioned this issue to my friends over dinner last Thursday and he suggested that every night before I sleep, I am to write down my thoughts. I shall try that from now. It will be like writing a diary. Remind me of my teen days where I used to keep a diary. I have been meaning to start since last Thursday but unfortunately, every night when I return home, its already past 11pm and I will be TOO exhausted and lazy to type out my thoughts even though there is so much I want to express out.

Well, I shall start out by today.

Yesterday (12th May 2010 Wed) I was actually tired and no plans for the night. Asked my friend Lay Ping if want to hang out (lately me and her have been hanging out quite often. See her few times in a week. This is due to the fact that she is working near my office). At 1st she said she got plans then fine lor. Then I can officially go home and do whatever nonsense I want in my room. Haha. Near to 5pm (my work finish at 5.30pm), she emailed me and said her plan is cancelled and if I want to hang out with her. I told her I am tired but I can hang out with her la. Manatau that girl ar…she replied “ of coz I will be happy if we meet up but if u feel tired, I dun wan u to meet me out of obligation”. Omg..this woman is so…I dunno wat to say. I understand where she is coming from coz..I was the same as her in the past when I was in a relationship and this characteristic of mine never fails to irk my ex to the core. I do not blame him. I will feel annoyed and irritated too. haha.

Anyway..when I am already on my way back home, she called to confirm if we are meeting up and I ask her to meet at Subang Parade. She agree to it (after I persuade her I am not too tired to meet her and also eager for her companionship) and I tell you..I am thankful she called me because yesterday was one of the best nights and I enjoyed it so much. I laugh till my tummy aches and let me tell you this..it has been a long long time since I laugh to this extent. It is a glorious feeling. Made one feel released somehow.

We had salad at TGIF and the waiter who serve us is so cute!! Since I keep on commenting how nice and cute the waiter is (who also has a nice smile), Lay Ping ask me to come to TGIF again just to see him. I jokingly replied we shall visit TGIF in Subang Parade on a weekly basis. haha. This is what I like, which is to joke around or just talk crap and also able to converse serious topics with people. Lay Ping is one of the nicest people to talk to. hehe. I so love her no-nonsense attitude. I also like her diva-ness at times.

We proceed to Coffeebean after dinner to have the carrot cake which LP has been craving for. She had 2 slices of it while I have this Machiato something cake. I cannot remember the name. Its nice but not my type. Will not order it again in future. As we enjoy our yummy desserts, we had serious talk about life, me and relationships. She has said some things to me which are eye-opener to me. Its one of those talk which will get you into reflecting yourself. Me like that. ^__^

I went back home, watch the TVB series and then head to bed.

I know I told myself on Monday that I will pack all the stuff that my ex gave to me in a box and never to see it again. On Monday, I was very determined to do that but due to the fact that I got home at about 12 am that night and the following nights, I was too tired to pack up the stuff. 4 days has passed since then and I feel differently from Monday and that is..the bears and nohohon figure is a part of me. Why force myself to bury it deep in the closet when I love these toys so much? If I cannot even face the gifts and determine to bury it, it will only tell me one thing - I am living in denial. Right now, I do not think by keeping all this gifts away will make me think of him less. Its all in the mindset. So..since I love it, I shall still keep the small bear in my car (which is also my travelling companion) and the big bear who is so cuddly. =)

Today (13th May 2010), I went out with my ex-Digi colleague Sim Sim and we had dinner in Tropicana City Mall. Then I bought a few DVDs like " Have you heard about the Morgans", "Valentine's Day", "He is just not that into you", "Bounty Hunter" and "The back-up Plan". Yes, I know my selections are romantic comedies. Me feel like watching romantic films.

Ok, I shall stop here because I want to watch the dvd which I just bought. Which movie shall I pick? Hmm..tough choice.

Angry mode

2010-04-20T00:15:00.002+08:00

As per the title, this whole post is filled with anger and frustration. This whole post could be pointless or meaningless as the whole purpose is for me to release whatever I am feeling right now. Don't say you are not warned.

Ok, I know the topic of the email thread (among me and few of my closest uni pals) is about friendship. Some friend disappointed this other friend or Friend A buy gifts for Friend B and expect something in return..this kind of thing lar. Anyway, I was neutral about UNTILL night came. I already set a dinner date with this ex-colleague of mine. It has been 4 months since we last met and I feel guilty for not meeting him. I already asked him earlier but he was busy so last week I re-scheduled again. Today is the only day he will be free for the entire week. I know he is from another state and not many friends here. Most are in his hometown. Hence, I tend to feel guilty whenever I cannot meet up with him coz I feel he is lonely. Maybe that is just me being overly sensitive because some people may enjoy the quiet time they have with themselves.

I am so not this kind of person. I love crowds and meeting people. Yes, there were times I will crave for a moment of peace and quiet or curl up on my bed and just relax. But definitely not too often because it will make me feel extremely lonely and Jojo don't want to feel lonely for now. Whenever I am lonely, I will think of HIM. Nope, I cannot let myself do that because I don't want to miss a guy who disregard my feelings and just dumped aside. (Background music is Automatic by Tokio Hotel. I can hear the lyrics- There's no real love in you)

No sir-ree..I don;t want to be reminded of him. Gimme time people and he will be out from my heart in just a matter of time.Continuing on to my story, I got tied up in office and only able to meet him about 8.30pm. I drove over to his house and picked him up and we had Hokkien mee. We chat and enjoyed each other's company ( I assume la coz I dunno what was in his mind). I update him about my life, work and others while he? Just kept quiet. Asked me questions but sendiri pulak don't answer my questions. Why I got questions to ask about you is because I am interested to know about you. I can choose not to ask but as a friend, I am concern over you.

Moving on, we head over to this sorta rooftop like swimming pool (he stayed in a rented condo). It's very cooling and windy. I love it. He told me this is his favourite chillin spot. So we sat at a bench nearby and chit chat. It sorta drizzled a little at that time. We catch up abit. Now people, I know I have been goin on and on about my heartbreak - on and off but you guys as my friends are the ones who supported me when I needed you the most.

He is my sorta close friend so I thought of telling him how I really feel inside coz when u are with friends, you can be yourself instead of pretending to be someone you are not. I told him I am still heartbroken at times and I am not as strong as I potrayed to be. Manatau, he looks awkward. I can see it CLEARLY on his face which screams " Ok, moving on to next topic please!". Goodness, I felt lagi bad after this because I thought he is my friend and I can share my thoughts/ feelings with him. Sadly to say, he disappointed me big time. It could also be the fact that he is good friends with my ex hence he refuse to talk about it. I asked him straight in the face isit the fact that my ex and him are close friends keepin him from advising/ comforting me when I most needed. He replied " No lar. I just think...that you should not think about it anymore. If not how to move on..?".

Jojo: " Then did you think that by avoiding this issue, the problem will be solved and go away?"

Him: "No, I just don't want you to get sad"

Jojo: " I am sad that you as my friend is unable to bring yourself to listen to me and comfort me when I need the most"

Him: *silence and looking far ahead*

Do u know that throughout the conversations that we had, there wasn't much of eye contacts. Why? He is looking at everything except me. Tell me, is that rude/ disrespectful of what?

I was so hurt and angry that I cried. Not the sobbing kind but tears trickled down my face. I just feel like scolding him but held my anger in. I told myself that I am mature enough to control my temper and not said anything that I will regret later. Yeap, I did managed to controlled but..I also realized that in msn/msgs/ facebook, it is always ME who initiate the conversation. He has never ever make the move to say hi. Sigh..after 2 yrs of friendship and I only realized this sad truth. You called me your friend? Wait..am I even considered as YOUR friend?

I cannot even tell him about my probs. I will not say our friendship dies but..let just say that our friendship will never be the same as it was. Maybe after a period of time things will turn better? Who knows. I made the effort to arrange meetups so I can accompany him for dinner or others but in the end I agree to what my friends said in the email thread, "Those who don't make the effort to sustain the friendship just don't bother them anymore. Even if friendship has died does not makes a difference coz who needs friends who don't care about u".

Ok, after typing it out, I do feel much better. Not to mention that my fingers are sored from typing hard on the keyboard. Kesian my laptop saje. It is innocent but has to bear me typing so hard on it.

Another thing that pisses me off I shall write another day. Now all I want to do is lie on the bed, close my eyes and relax myself.

Good nite peeps.

It's Complicated

2010-04-17T00:11:00.002+08:00

I just watched "It's Complicated" on Wednesday night with my ex-colleague. I have wanted to watch the movie once I heard about it. Not only does the title captured my interest but the plot too. I always adored storylines that revolves how couple got back together after years of separation between them. Its the part where after all those years, they finally found out their one true love is in fact each other tugs my heart. I find it pretty romantic. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that my parents were divorced when I was very young. Hmm..this is something for me to ponder about.

Anyways, Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin were wonderful in the movie. One was a great beauty while the other was a hunk ( when they were younger back then). I am surprised to see how old they have become. Nevertheless, they still look fantastic!

I realised something about me has changed. Before I watched the movie, I read the plot in Wikipedia back in March. I knew that in the ending, the both of them did not end up together again. I was highly disappointed. But..when I watched it 2 days ago, I actually support the fact that Meryl did not accept Alec back in her life and instead open her heart to Steve Martin. I surprised myself at this thought of mine.

I am the kind of gal who supports couples who are separated to be together again in the end but as the story unveils around me, my heart goes to Steve Martin who is so sweet and caring to Meryl Streep. He is so into her while Alec is a selfish guy who dunno how to appreciate her. I felt like he is just using her for his pleasure and convenience. He disregard her feelings completely. How can he treat a girl like a mistress. No way man! If you really love your lady, you will respect her. When Meryl broke Steve's heart, my heart went all out to Steve and felt so sad. Here is a guy who has opened up his heart to her and definitely will love her more than her ex-husband but she is contemplating on who she should accept and from the looks of it, she is about to forgo the happiness Steve can offer for a reunion with an ex-flame.

As I mentioned earlier, I am surprised that my point of view has changed. I feel somehow that I can relate to the movie. Meryl is me while my ex is Alec Baldwin. I know by ending our love, he has hurt me really bad. He don't even call or text me anymore. It hurts but life moves on. He is the one who refuse to have anything to do with me anymore. I had tried my best..just that..his love for me..is not as strong and determined as I thought it to be. I will never ever hate him nor blame him. In fact, I want to thank him because he has taught me so much about life and love. He made me realize alot of things and see things differently. The lessons learnt over the past 4 months not only affects my life but also mould me to be a better person. A person who I am happy to be. I did not really like the old me back in 2009 but I am liking the sort of new me of 2010.

Thank you. =)

放开

2010-03-02T22:02:00.002+08:00

我以为自己已经可以完全的放开但原来我还是那么的傻。为什么我还是想不开呢？事实已摆在眼前但我依然抱着少许的希望。盼望有一天我的梦真的会实现。

杨智晶，面对事实吧。无论路有那么的辛苦都要坚持走下去。

雨后真的会天晴的。

全城热恋热辣辣 (Hot Summer Days)

2010-03-02T20:16:00.003+08:00

I was going through buddy session with a nice colleague of mine and suddenly I received a call. I look at my phone wondering who could be calling me as I am a person who seldom receives calls. Anyway, I saw the number and it is a colleague from my ex-company-Guocera. I was surprised and wondered why she called me up. Guess what?! She has preview passes for the above mentioned Chinese movie. I am so-so with it but I guess it will not be bad for it is a love story. I adore love stories. Makes me happy when the leading lady and leading man have a happy ending. Secretly, I also wish for a happy ending myself.

The movie is really nice in my opinion. Hey, its MY opinion. If you find the movie boring or predictable then that is YOUR opinion of it. Anyway, as predicted, the movie does have a happy ending. The entire plot centers around 5 couples. To be accurate is 4 couples and another is ..hmm..i have no idea what to call it. Its just 2 guy friends in search of someone. Back to my story, I love the storyline which revolves around Daniel Wu (吴彦祖）and Vivian Hsu (徐若瑄). When they finally got together in the end, tears rolled down off my face. It is just so sweet!!

Yes people, I am a sucker for happy endings. Whenever I watched a touching scene or a heartache scene, tears just automatically rolled down my eyes. I am a sentimental person and I am proud of that. *winks*

Maybe because my parents are divorced so whenever I watched movie or read novels that have a plot where 2 people who are separated got back together in the end, it always hit a spot in me. Example: "The Parent Trap". I love it when the father and mother end up together in the end. This applies the same for "Hot Summer Days". Vivian Hsu is in love with Daniel Wu but the guy refuse to be with her even though he loves her. Reason is because she is a rich girl and he feels he is not qualify to be with her for he only studied till primary/ secondary school level (this info I cannot really recalled). My opinion is that guy is an idiot but he has to has this idiotic mindset because if he don't, there will not be a story to tell. Lets continue, so she travel all over the world to look for food recipes. She intends to compile what she searched into a book with the title of " The perfect meal". Anyhow, to cut the story short, the girl came back to Hong Kong and look up for the guy. He rejected her love. Saying he need more time. The girl is hurt and left. But in reality she did not leave the country. She just hide out in her home/hotel room. As usual, the guy finally realize that he wants to be with her and so the story goes on. The guy search for the girl and he girl hides from him. Bla Bla Bla~ In the end they got together. He finally open up and accept her love. Aww~ \\(^___^))//

My explaination might not be good but the scene..well..it is just moving. =)

I believe I will find my happiness one day.

Have a good day everyone!

Stay back in office

2010-01-12T19:17:00.003+08:00

Its 7.17pm and i am still in office. Why? Because it is very jam out there and I have no place to go to. Hence, I choose to remain in the office. Surf the net and chat with my bestie. I am sure everyone I know will be either at home with family having dinner or out with friends chilling at some restaurant. I do enjoy this loneliness feeling occassionally. It makes me think alot and of course makes me emo or depress. Haha.

Tuesday is going to be over and I have 3 more days to go and then ta-da! Its the weekend. This Saturday my cousin sister who is 2 years older than me gonna get married. She has been dating for the past 5 or 6 years. How I envy her. To marry a person who loves her and she loves in return. I realize that love does not exists easily. So for those who are in a relationship, cherish what you have right there in your hands. Do not bicker or complain so much about each other. Accept the person as who he/she is. I commit this mistake and I am facing the consequences.

Today early in the morning work got problem. Shipment issue. How boring can that be. I have to chase a few parties to get the booking. Then have to follow up. At 5 pm only the shipping line release the containers to us. See! It dragged from morning to night. So sad case. In between I also have few orders from customer to processed. Calculate the weight of all the stocks, check if there is stocks for customer's orders and also print this or check that. Sheesh! Glad to know that the day has finally come to an end. I wonder how was his day? I can imagine that it will be busy busy busy. Poor thing. I wish I can give him some comfort. It is not that I not willing to give but he no longer want to have accept anything from me nor does he want to have anything to do with me. Really ouch~ There is no turning back now. I want to be optimistic and believe that in a matter of months, we meet up and realize that we still care for each other a great deal and then..he will be willing to start over again with me. =) If I really have this chance, I really will treasure this second opportunity. I will not make him regret for open up his heart to me.

Man..I am sure whoever is reading this must be thinking "this girl is totally pathetic. Someone please slap her awake. No wonder her guy don't want her anymore. I also don't want a gf like this". Haha. Did I guess correctly? Yeah..I do know that I am delusional but..I will not stop having hope. Hope is what motivates a person in life. You dream and you strive hard to achieve your dreams. Never give up and stay focus on your dreams. One day it will come true.

I can choose to be positive in example: Since I still love him, I will make him fall in love with me again. How? I will find one way or another. My determination will not waiver no matter how hard I will fall. I will stand right up again and never give up. Maybe one day God or him will take pity on me and he will open up his arms to me again. I just have to be patient. Maybe he has not give up his love on me but just trying to teach me a lesson. I dunno that. Only he and God knows. Yes, I do know that I am really being pathetic and delusional about this. Not to mention being idiotic, stubborn and refuse to face the reality.

The second optimistic option that I can have is no matter what happens in the future, if me and him are meant to be together, in the end we will still be together. We are separated for now because separation makes the hearts grow fonder.

I know that I want to keep on hoping but sometimes..stop means STOP!! You gotta wake up girl and face the reality. Do you really think he still loves you? If he does, he would have mention it to you. He is not responding to you at all is because he is trying to tell you he don't want to care about u anymore and the more you are continuing all these, the more he will detest you and think of u as a loser. A total pathetic loser who is so cheap and girl, you are degrading yourself. He has mentioned to you that he do not care for you already and you are NOT listening to him. You are trying to lie to yourself because you cannot accept the cruel fact. Jasmine Yeoh, enough is enough. He has repeat to you that he no longer cares for you and thankful that he is not your boyfriend anymore. So why can't u take the hint and take a hike? Why keep on hoping? You are hurting yourself and everyone who cares for you. I understand that you love him very much. Then continue loving him for the time being. Continue till the day your heart really can let go of this first love of yours.

Remember that everything happens for a reason. You feel the pain now but time will heal your pain. It has only been a month plus. Give yourself another 2 months. You will grow used to it and by then..you will have a different perspective in life. Be thankful that he was in your life and love you for that one year and 3 months. Thank him for showering you with love and open up a whole new world and experience for you. Now this mentor has to go for his teaching has ended. Your journey with him has ended. He will find another girl who will open up his heart again. Yes, I know you will be crushed and jealous but if you truly love him, you will want him to be happy even though you are suffering alone. Sacrificing is part of love. Don't cry Jas. It is difficult now I know. No one can feel it but you alone but you gotta stay strong. No matter what happens, you still have your mind, body and soul to pull you through the difficult times. You are not alone. Just look around you and be thankful of what you are and what you have today.

Life is a learning journey. Everyday you are learning. Maybe sometimes you are too blur to see it or feel it. This separation has taught you alot and you must admit that you are glad that you changed to the person who you are now right? =) Thank him for leaving you. He may be suffering and you don't know about it. Even if he is happy, you should not be sad that he is happy while you are depressed. Knowing he is happy should make you happy also. Because you no longer exist in his life, he grew happier and relax each day. Isn't that great? If the both of u continue to be together and in misery, are u happy that he is in misery? No right. So Jasmine Yeoh, he did this for a reason. You tried your best to patch things up with him but he don't want to. Why force him to talk to you or meet up with you? You are being self-centred. Selfish. Disregard of other people's feelings. You say you have grown mature right? Prove it that you really are mature and is a different Jasmine.

You can do it! No matter what your heart wants, you can achieve it. Never lose faith in God and yourself. If you really want to win back his love, you must prove to him that you are a totally changed Jasmine who will never hurt him again. Are you ready? Do you think you have achieved that? You know that now is not the time. You still need more time to pull yourself together. To get focused. You are not totally changed and if now you are to meet him, disaster will strike and maybe you really will lose him forever.

Jasmine Yeoh, Jiayou! Become the person that you are meant to be. Utilize this period to achieve your personal growth. Even though you are depressed every single day of your life, but you do know that you are learning something new as each day passes. Your heart grew stronger and determine. People can call you stubborn or stupid for not letting go but they are just them. You are you and what makes you special is you yourself. There will never be another Jasmine Yeoh who is the same as you. You can continue hoping and loving him untill he probably get a new girlfriend but I am sure when that day (him having a new gf) comes, you will not be feeling as you are right now. Because during this time, you would have different thoughts and perceptions. Do not force yourself to forget him or keep on crying that he no longer loves you. It is not the end of the world but the beginning of a new chapter in your life. Pray that he is happy and healthy always for you know that if anything bad happen to him, you will be the on suffering while he wun even have a clue nor does he give 2 cents of what its worth.

take this time and opportunity to learn about youself. To get to know the Jasmine who is changing each day. Don't have to prove to anyone but yourself. You will feel damn proud when you finally succeed. =)

Yes, I was lecturing to myself. Don't worry peeps, I have not gone cuckoo. Just trying to inspire myself and guess what, it made me feel better.

OK, 8.22 pm adi. gotta head home!

Ciao~

My 2nd Monday of year 2010

2010-01-11T18:56:00.004+08:00

I want to head home but knowing this time (7pm), it will be super jam. Not only at Federal there but from Subang Jaya driving into USJ area. That one is totally headache! So, i decide to stay back in office and trying to chill (a.k.a msn). I cannot log in to Facebook or YouTube cause company has denied that access. But, as I can online, it is still better than nothing.

Everyone is gone. Only me alone in this room. I do feel lonely but I like this alone kind of feeling. Sometimes can make me emo. Yes, for this moment I am feeling emo. Why? Well..lets just say the whole day did not start out good and ends well. Early in the morning kena tembak by someone. Then after lunch, some stuff happens which tries to ruin my day. I swore that I will stay cheerful at all times. Then towards 6pm, another disaster occur. I stayed in the office to check through untill I found the solution. Its already 6.40pm. Too jam for me to head home. This really feels crap. Anyways, I decide to make the best out of my misery.

I shall just chill here with my friends and blog.

I miss him so much. I still do. Sigh..I wish I can receive his calls or messages. But I know that will never ever happen to me again. He has move on with his life. It is like I never exists in his life before. I accidently saw his comment on his female best friend's FB page and guess what? The both of them are planning to go on an island trip together. Probably just the both of them. Wow~ the hurt is damn bad when I read through the comments. This taught me to never check his page again. I thought that I am ready for anything, that I have let go of him. But no, I haven't. I am so jealous and so hurt. I want to go on an island vacation with him. In our 1 year together, we only have been to Bukit Tinggi and Port Dickson. I thought that there will be more to come but..now my dreams are crushed.

Everyone keep saying to me on how I will find a better guy who is nicer, richer, better looking, cherish me and will not ever let me shed a single tear but..I do not care about other guys because he is the only guy I have ever loved or should I say still love. First cut is the deepest. He will forever be my first love. I was so naive to think that he will be my ONLY love. My one true love but things don't work out the way you want to be. It is so painful and I do not want to go through it again but then..I know I am stronger than this. Why should I fear of love after failing just once? I must pick myself up and start over again.

Love can really make a person grow. I must admit because of him, I have matured abit more compare to before the break up.

1) I will never ever take things for granted anymore.

2) Appreciate and treasure a person just the way he/she is.

3) Spend more time with your family

I used to always hang out with friends or boyfriend and neglected them. Bad Jasmine! But ever since the break up, i stay at home more often and start to bond with my brothers. My-oh-my, how much they have grown. I can see the man in them already. I am so proud of each of them. Even though they don't voice out, I can feel their concern for me. They are so worry about me coz I lose the love of my life.

4) Love yourself before you love others.

I always go out of my way so I can please my ex-boyfriend. I did some things which I did not like but force myself to do so coz he likes it. Also, whenever I got problem, I rely on him and when he cannot provide me the comfort I want, I got upset and we started argue. I swear this will not ever occur in my next relationship. That is if I ever got another boyfriend. I must take care of myself and be independent. Heal my own wounds because only you yourself can make yourself happy. Do not depend on anyone. =)

5) Be independent

Like I said previously, I was kinda independent. Then when I had my boyfriend, I start to depend on him. I just did it automatically. Maybe because I never was in a relationship before, thus I am ignorant of many things. I am childish, naive, demanding, insecure, irrational, indecisive, inconsiderate and not understanding. Everything I also push it to my ex-boyfriend. He is so pitiful. Work already stresses him out, then he has to take care of his family and then the girlfriend always unhappy when with him and scold him or lecture him. No wonder he choose to leave me. I know the problem lies on me. I see that now. I do want to make amendments. I wanna make it up to him but it is too late. It really is too late. No matter what, nothing can turn back time. What is done is done. He has move on happily with his life and he is really glad to be rid of me. I have no one to blame but myself. Why was I so blind when I am in the relationship? Like I said, I took things for granted. When I lost it then only I realize that it is a gem that I have lost. As the song lyrics goes : "Its too late to apologize..Its too late~" Sigh.

6) Savour every single moment of your life

If today has end, there will not be a 2nd 'today'. It will already be another day. Different day. Ever since going through such a painful and emotional period, I have come to appreciate every single moment of my life. Smile more often. Do not think those uneccesary thoughts which will make you worry or depressed or angry. Be in that present moment with whoever you are with. Let it be friends or family or someone you just met. It is not easy for 2 individuals to meet and become friends. It is even difficult for 2 souls to fall in love and walk down the road of life together. Cherish each and every part of your life. Savour the moments when you are with your love ones for you never know that this could be the last memory you have for each other.

Life is too short. No point holding to grudges, remember the pain someone has caused you, or thinking of ways to get even with that person. What do you achieve if you really crush that person? It will only make you no different than him. A cruel and heartless person who likes to torment those supposedly weaker than him. I choose not to hate anyone or angry at a person and it does makes me happier. =)

I do not hate my ex for wanting to end our relationship. I just feel regret that I should have treat him better when I had the chance. So what if I have learnt my mistakes? Time does not turn back. I cannot expect us to work things out and start all over again. I really wanted to but he refuse to open up his heart to me anymore. He has chosen to forgive and forget about me and it made him happy. Of course that I am crushed that he is leading a happy life after ending the relationship with me but I have no one to blame but myself. If I truly love him, I should set him free to do whatever he loves.

Jasmine Yeoh, you have only 1 life and must not have any regrets anymore ok?!! *jasmine trying to motivate herself albeit its lame*

Its really sad to know that love can just wilt away in time...=( 2 people who are so in love with each other back then are no longer together because one party no longer loves the other party.

I love the movie "The Parent Trap". Can guess why? Because in the end, the parents got back together even though they have been separated for many years. I am a sucker for happy endings. Maybe it is because my parents separated since I was really young, so I always have a secret wish that when they meet up again 1 day, the old emotions will flood back and they will get back together. Of course this is just fantasy. In reality, my dad remarries and mum did the same. Each of them have a wonderful marriage with their new spouses. I am happy for them. *smiles* Anyways, I love it when I read stories or watch movies where 2 people who are once separated got back together again. It is like they are meant for each other. No matter who they met or what they have gone through, they still love each other and be together in the end. They are meant for each other...

Sweet eh? I know..some people will call me naive and delusional but hey, I am free to dream whatever that makes me happy. =) Yeah, a small part of me wish that in the end, me and my ex will remain together because we are still in love with each other after all we had been through but it is just a small part. I do not dare to hope and even hope also it is fruitless. Nothing will come out from this. He has really cut me out from his life completely. No matter how hard I tried or how much I pray that he still loves me a lil, I know that I am being delusional and refuse to accept the cruel fact.

Okies, its 8pm. I can finally go home. Hope it is jam-free for me.

Saturday

2009-12-12T12:26:00.002+08:00

Actually today I am supposed to work half day at work but I messaged my boss in teh morning for I was not feeling well. I tool EL for the very first time. I feel bad but I was not in a good condition as I need the rest I can get. Sigh..these 2 weeks I can hardly sleep. I cannot stop thinking about him. I know..I scold myself for being so pathetic but love is totally blind.

Every Saturday is our day. We will hang out and chill together on this day. How I longed for you to call me. I do wish to see you badly. But as each day passes..I fear that I will lose you. =( I miss you so much. So many memories flashed through my mind. All the happy times we had.

Dreaming

2009-12-11T12:28:00.002+08:00

Today is public holiday. I am happy because finally you can have the time to rest. I duno if I guess correctly but this whole month has been stressful and tiring for you. Finally you are able to sleep in late and lazy around.

This morning, I dreamt of u. We met up and you told me that you still care for me and long to be with me. I was so happy. We hugged and kissed. Then I opened my eyes. I look around the surroundings and realized that it was just a dream. I was crushed for it felt so real. I was praying it to be real too. =( I miss you so much. It has been 2 weeks since we last talk in peace. My heart aches so much. I wish you will forgive me and come back to me. I wish I know what is on your mind.

I wanted to call or message you desperately but I hold back. You told me that you need time and I will give it to you. I will not contact you in any way possible. It is really difficult. It seems like I have lost touch of you. I crave to hear how ur days were, what you have been doing and everything about you. How I wish I can turn back the clock to the time when we are still together.

How are you my dear? I called your sister and she told me that you are happy with your life as it is. I do feel crushed for this means that you are able to pull me out from your heart completely. But..as long as you are happy, then it should be good enough for me. Loving someone does not mean you have to be with that someone. As long as he/she is happy, you will be happy too. That is the most important thing. This is what I said to myself repeatedly.

I know that I have done and said things which hurts you over and over again. But I do hope that I can be given another chance to make things right again. We have been seperated for 2 weeks. This is the longest period that you are mad at me. I am so scared that during this cool off period, you will tell me that you dont love me any longer. That you do not want to spend the rest of your days with me any longer. Or worst, that you have found someone else. But no matter what, I will support your decision even if it will break my heart into million pieces.

Life without you is really miserable and meaningless. I longed for your call or message each day. I will be so happy just as long as I can receive any news from you. I miss the bears that you gave to me. I hope you are taking good care of them instead of dumping them aside.

These 2 weeks has gotta be the longest and most miserable weeks in my entire life..There were days where I wish I can continue sleeping so at least in dreams I can still see you. I must say also that because of this separation, I have reflect so much upon myself. I see the wrongs and causes which leads to this stage. I do not blame you for anything. I have taken our relationship for granted all along. I am so sorry. However, I will wait for you. I will wait till you are ready to talk to me. I long to hear ur voice again. To feel your hugs. Even if we are not able to be a couple, I would wish us to remain a friendship.

Slightly disappointed

2009-11-22T18:21:00.002+08:00

The whole family went on a vacation to Maxwell Hill in Taiping except me. Father only informed me on Friday, a day before the trip. They are going with a few other families. Their children are about my brother's age so I did not join because I will feel left out. I already know that because I had experienced it last year when we went to Taman Negara. It is fun to hang out with them but I am the odd one. The one next to my age is only 15 years old at that time. I cannot possibly join the men nor the women. They are uncles and aunties. Their topic does not click with mine. Haha.

From that time onwards, my father know that I will not join them so he did not invite me to go too. Anyway, these 2 days I have been home alone. The house has never feel much more emptier than now. It is so dead. I am not really scared, its more like lonely to be in my home. I wish they will be home soon.

Luckily yesterday my boyfriend accompany me the whole day and night. We went to The Curve and walk around. Had Dragon-I for dinner. Then walk around the flea market. I love it! I had spend almost RM 100 there. I bought a belt (RM30), 6 pairs of earrings (RM20), flower hair clips and pins (RM45) and 2 snowflake shape keychain (RM 20)-1 is for me and the other is a gift for my friend. She loves snowflakes like me. =)

See!! It is just so easy to spend money but earning it? Man..it is hard-earned money. Yeap, after stepping into the working world, I finally have a taste of the fact that money is not easily and happily earned. Yes, I am depressed about work but..I just gotta bear with it. Go with the flow. Sigh..tomorrow gotta work again. How come the weekends past by so fast?

Anyway, the main reason I am blogging now is because I am sad over the fact that I will not be celebrating New Year's Eve with my boyfriend. Last year, he went out with his friends and later that he got work to do (both of us were working as customer service so our shifts are based on 24-hr and his work time on 1 Jan 2009 is 2am-11am. Crazy right?). That was the reason why we did not spend the New Year's Eve together. But I was very hurt at that time because he got time to spend it with his friends but don't have the time to spend it with me. I did asked him before that day if he is free so we can celebrate it together. I cannot really remember the reason he gave. I think it was he gotta work. Imagine how hurt I was when I found out later he will be going out with his friends on that night. It is like he is TOO busy for me but for friends, he is FREE. Sigh. Not only hurt, I feel disappointment too. It is our FIRST New Year's Eve. How can he do that to me?

Well, later that we argued over this and he blamed me for not being understanding. He said that I am so selfish for not allowing him to spend it with his friends. Wow~ he can 'hentam' back at me just like that. I must admit that I was obviously pissed off but what can I do? Even my father knew how upset I was. He was angry that my boyfriend choose to be with friends over me. Of course, I tried to defend him but inside my heart was breaking. Haha..I know, I am being very dramatic and over right? =p

Well, this year I thought that we can finally spend it together since we had switched jobs with normal working hours. I gotten a blow from him yesterday. Apparently he will be going to Genting Highlands with his family for few days during New Year's Eve. Sigh. I am not complaining. It is great that he is spending time with his family but I am left out again. I asked if it is OK for me to join him. He said it is not coz his uncles and aunties are the ones organizing it so there will NOT be room for me and it will be WEIRD if I join. =( He is right. So it means I am left all alone again. Last year I was alone and this year I..choose not to be.

Am I wrong to feel abandoned? First by his friends, now is by his family. I know I should not be so selfish, but should be more understanding. T-T Hopefully next year we can spend it together. But I will not get my hopes up. I have learn that the more you hope, he more disappointed you will be.

I do want to tell him my feelings towards this but knowing him, he will get the impression that I am complaining about him not spending enough time together, that he cannot live up to my expectations, that I cannot be understanding on the fact that he wants to spend time with his family, that it is just a day only so why make a big fuss out of it and blah blah blah..

Big sigh..I am feeling slightly better after letting it out all here. I am so mad coz this made me feel like I am hardly anything to him. =(

Rainy Tuesday

2009-11-17T20:45:00.002+08:00

Everyday is also raining. I love rainy days but too bad I gotta work so no chance to enjoy it. Today is sort of OK. As usual, I kena lecture by my boss. Sigh. What is new? Anyway, the day started so-so. Not very busy. Then 12.30pm arrives. Went to have wan tan mee with colleagues. Things picked up after lunch. Gotten busy with tasks. Then in a blink of an eye, 3.30 pm came and have a meeting to attend. Boring~

By 5.30pm, I rushed over to attend an interview. I don't think it goes well but nevertheless, it does motivates me to continue looking for other job. I know I will find it. To tell the truth, I really feel like quitting now and then the whole of Dec and Jan I can get to enjoy myself and spend some quality time with myself. I want to use this time to find the old Jojo that is missing. This Jojo is always so moody, depressed and hot-tempered. Hmm..during this time I will relax at home, search for new jobs. If cannot find then I will work as part time. Or maybe..I will travel. Hmm..Going somewhere alone is not a bad idea. Let's see..where shall I go? Sabah? Sarawak?

Anyways, this girl has got to get some rest. Good nite and may tomorrow be a better day. =)

Sunday afternoon with old pals

2009-11-15T22:58:00.002+08:00

Today I am very happy to meet up with an old pal who I have not seen for almost 2 years. May I present...Syafique Shuib! I believe the last time I saw him was dated back in July 2007? I cannot recall the exact month but it was roughly there.

Sadly to say, I lost contact with him ever since he graduated from Monash in 2007.Ocassionally we messaged each other but rarely.I dunno how but recently we started chattin through msn. It was great to have a friend to chat through during work. Espcially when you are feeling depress over the work, there is someone to talk to. I don't like my job. I sux at it, not to mention I have lose interest in doing the daily tasks. Sigh..anyways, I don't want to talk more about my work coz it weights me down. Back to the topic, Syaf always say I am busy dating and other stuff and no time to meet up so I ask him out for a Sunday lunch. At first decide to meet in 1 Utama, then changed of location to Subang Parade and finally decided to settle for Sunway Pyramid. These 3 places are fine with me. I am not the one objecting to 1 U or Parade, it was Zeck's idea. Haha.

So here it is, meeting Syaf and Zeck at 1 pm in Pyramid. I was the last to arrive (I feel embarrased for not being punctual). Deciding where to eat wasn't difficult. These trio settle for Zeck's idea of having the delicious yet satisfying meal. Me and Syaf have our maiden Popeye's meal. Woo-hoo! I always wanted to try it out because the name 'Popeye's' catches my attention. Yay! I finally got the chance to have a taste of it. Yum yum~

The food was so-so. Not as great as I thought but not too bad. I had fish burger (RM8.40 ). The price..I would say is about the same as McD but I would definitely go back for 2nd try for the 2nd time I will go for Chicken Tenders (which Syaf ordered and it looks kinda yummy). ^-^

It feels so good to see both of them, especially Syaf for it really has been ages since we last met and I do miss him. I keep in touch with Zeck occasionally that is why I only express my excitedness regarding meeting Syaf and not Zeck.=p

There are so many stories to be shared. They have an exciting live and me have a boring mundane life. As usual I am teased endlessly by these 2 charming and fun guys. I have no idea why they cannot stop picking on me? Could it be face problem or because it is their way of showing their love? Haha. No matter what the reason is, I don't mind coz it brings joy to me. It reminds me of the time when we were all in Monash. Ah....the good old days. I miss my uni years alot. Nevertheless, I would not want return back in time for I want to work and earn money. I may be unhappy all the time with my current job but that doesn't matter. I know I will find another job which I will be happy to work in. However, I hope Syaf will intro me into the company he is working in for his work sounds very interesting and it is for a good cause. I support 1 Malaysia and I don't agree it is a political propoganda. It is an propoganda, just not politically to me. I do wish Malaysians can be united and let go of racial criticism. It is not an easy goal to achieve but it will happen. =) I have faith it will..just that it might be during my children's time. Haha.

Yikes! It is already 11.30 pm. I gotta hit the sack. I need all the rest I can get. Sigh..here's a depressing thought- Tomorrow I gotta work again. Drive to the office. See my boss. Look at the piles of workload. =(

The things girls do when they are in love

2009-06-11T22:34:00.002+08:00

I came across this in Facebook and as I read it,I met all the criterias. Oh my goodness, I am so desperate. Haha. I cannot tahan myself. I must put a stop to this. =P

10 things a girl(some girls..most girls) would do & feel when she misses her bf:

1. checks her phone every few minutes....felt like it vibrated...but actually it didn't.or it was someone else...

2. waits for him to appear online...

3. checks her facebook if he had commented on anything or had mentioned that he misses her too...

4. stays up late night eating chocolates...not being able to sleep...tries to find a stupid game toplay online to take her mind of him...but it never works!

5. gets hurt when she tries to make time for him but he's always busy like the president..

6. keeps flipping through the old photos taken together with him..or his photos alone...(including those taken with other girls and feeling so jealous and irritated)

7. thinks of him whenever she listens to a love song...

8. makes plans to meet up with him whenever possible...even if it's for a few minutes...

9. talks about him all the time and irritates her siblings and friends...

10. starts planning for his next birthday which is 8 months away...

But of course I never wait for him to appear online coz he is not into msn. I gave that up long ago. Although in the past i used to wait for him to appear. How silly of me. Haha.

Hot

2009-04-19T16:39:00.003+08:00

I am feeling so hot now. Goodness, the heat is killing me. Sigh. Tomorrow is Monday and I am so dreading to go through the jam and drive to work. Sigh. I am having Monday blues on a Sunday afternoon. I guess it is also because I have nothing to do. Wish i can go somewhere, walk around or yum cha with my friends. Its almost 5pm and what am i gonna do. Cannot meet up with bf coz he is hanging out with his friends, my family are lazying around the house- brothers playing games and parents watching series which I am so not interested. Friends are busy with their life.

I feel so pathetic. Must be the heat. So hot..It is really affecting my mood. I get very frustrated when I am hot. My temper an just rise up just lidat.

My Friday Night

2009-04-04T00:36:00.004+08:00

Its already past midnight and I am dead tired. I dunno whats wrong with me. In the past, i can stay up till 3 or 4 am and it will not be a problem for me. But since I start my current job, I found myself startin to get tired at odd hours which is about 9 stg or 10 pm. You might say 10 pm is odd?? Hey, compare to 3-4am, of coz it is odd for me. I won't call my job exactly stressful but why the tiredness? Hmm...another reason to explain this is that I am getting OLD. Sigh..reality really hurts sometimes. Especially when it struck through your heart.

My previous post was about what I want to do for today and since today (Friday) had happened, I would like to jot it down to save the memories. Today is quite a good day. Work is alright. After work, have to drive back home through the jam, additional to this 'enjoyable' past time is the rain. Jam + rain = DOUBLE STRESS.

Driving halfway then it start pouring heavily with lightning & thunder. It gets abit depressing but as I was reaching my destination, I start to feel slightly better. Of course, meeting up with my dear cheers me up a lot. Both of us have a stressful week & its FINALLY Friday. Weekend = 2 days off is here. At first I want to drive to The Curve coz I want to eat the choc cake in Ikea. I think its call Daim cake. Furthermore, I don't usually go there so it will be nice to have a change of environment. Looking at the massive jam & heavy rain, I change my route. Decide to head to Pyramid. Although I must admit that I am kinda bored of that place. But, whatever you need is there and it is so convenient. So, we wanted to watch a movie. Our chosen film was Fast & Furious 4 but then, when we reach there. Fuyoh...FULL HOUSE man. By the time we reach our turn, only front seats available. Paying RM 11 for seats which you don't like & painful to the neck and eyes is not acceptable on my part. Hence, we chose to watch "Confessions of a Shopaholic'.

I read the book a long time ago and surprisingly the movie is nice. Of course it didn't exactly follow the flow of the book (which movie does?) but the lead actress - Isla Fisher, she is gorgeous. I adore her. She is so full of life and in my humble opinion which you are free to disagree with me, I think she sparkles in the film. She is perfect as Rebecca Bloomwood. Hugh Dancy ( the male lead) is a hunk. I have almost thought so but could it be possible that he is even more handsome looking in this film? My answer is yes. 2 striking couples on screen is worth my RM 11. haha. Of course I am not so shallow just to enjoy the movie because the actors and actresses are beautiful but it is a bonus. *winks* Storyline not bad. Funny. Interesting. A feel good movie. Long time I didn't watch something so nice. I mean for a romantic comedy. The last one which brought me this feeling was "Music & Lyrics'. I thought it won't be good but it surpass my expectation. But too bad we missed the opening of the movie. I was 10 mins late and who would have guess they actually screen it on time. Sigh. Nevermind, I shall buy the DVD.

Anyways, its 1 am & I gotta hit the sack.

Cheerio.

Finally its Friday

2009-04-02T21:48:00.003+08:00

As per title, Friday is coming! Hooray for me. I have been waiting for this day to come. Why? Answer is simple. I am just purely too lazy to get up early in the morning and drive my way through the massive jam to be on time for work. Yar i know, everyone is facing that and why am i making a big fuss over it. As i have said earlier in previous post, its my blog & i shall express whatever I like.

You may think since I am so looking forward to Friday that maybe there are plans awaiting me. Nope, I still don't have a clue how I want to spend my Friday. But of course I would like to spend it with my sweetheart. But what can we do? My to-do-list is full but I cannot execute it out. It is a lil unworkable at this moment. First of all, I want to travel. I thought about it today and feel like going to a beach with my darling. Bali sounds wonderful but its a lil pricey. However, i received good reviews about it from friends who'd been there. Well, if Bali is too expensive, there is always Pulau Perhentian. My family went there last year & they say it is beautiful. Aww..wish I was there. Too bad i had to work at that time. Sigh. Nevermind, I definitely will have the chance. I will have to pull my darling with me. Duno if he is willing to go with me onot. Yes, I can always go with my gang of friends but I want to have a romantic getaway with him. I miss him so much. Lately because of work and stress, I feel like..how should I put in words...we are always unhappy & can't seem to cheer each other up. Hopefully a trip will pull us closer again. Not that we are not close before that.

Back to my main topic. Friday nite.Hmm...most might suggest an evening with sweetheart, chilling out with the girls on a girls nite out, clubbing ( dancing, drinking & checking out ppl), or even just rest at home. What I plan to do is drive up to Genting Highland and enjoy the nite breeze over there. Strolling around with my darling in the quiet nite sounds so welcoming but of course thsi will not happen. It will but NOT tomorrow. Another day perhaps. Reason is because this needs some planning.

Its 10 pm and I should head to bed. The remaining details on my list I shall update later. Final day of working for the week. YES!!! Now is another question which is typical for all girls in the world- what should I wear tomorrow?? Haha..This I shall ponder while lying on bed. Good nite and may you have a great day ahead.

Till I write again.

Adios.

1st time surfing at STARBUCKS

2009-02-17T21:42:00.002+08:00

This is the 1st time I bring my new laptop out to public. Am i too showy? Of course NOT coz this is what everyone is doing. However, I am doing this coz NOT because I want to follow the trend. I think it is very convenient to be able to surf outside the comfort of your home. It is a Tuesday nite so not many people here at Taipan Starbucks. My initial intention of coming to this place was to accompany my dear to study for his minor test tomorrow. As you well know, things don't always turn out the way you plan it. End up after he read for about a page or two, he gave up. Maybe I am just too distracting. =p

My bf is so opposing to what I am typing here but since this is my personal blog so he has no say to what I want and feel like typing. I don't care. This is a place where I am free to express my emotions and thoughts.

He has something to say here regarding on my previous comment on him. He claims that if anyone were to read the book he is curently trying to absorb, they will sure feel the same way as him- total BOREDOM. The title of the book is "Analysis for Marketing Planning" by Lehner & Winer.

Sigh..the nite is coming to an end. Next morning have to drive to work again. Correction, more like have to drag myself to work.

Will talk again the next time.

Cheers,

excited girl using her laptop

A brand new beginning

2009-02-02T22:59:00.007+08:00

Today is the first day of work at a new workplace. Different environment and different people. I miss my friends back in Digi and also the office. Anyway, the whole day passed by quite fast for me. My brain is bursting because information overloaded. There is still so much i need to learn and I am scared I cannot cope up with it. I know, I must be brave and independent. I must believe in myself. MUST say I CAN DO IT. =)

I am so tired. Will be heading to bed earlier tonight. Miss my boy. Don't know what he is doing now. Wish can hear his voice but my guess will be he is sleeping this very moment. If only I can see him now. It will sure brighten up my day or in this case, I should say no matter what, he brighten up my life. Goodness, I am getting so mushy here. But, this happens when you are in love. Or it could just be me being rather pathetic. Haha. I prefer the former. *winks*

I'm off to bed. Hope tomorrow is a good day.

Worrying too much

2009-02-02T22:37:00.004+08:00

It was a beautiful Sunday morning and I cannot sleep peacefully. Maybe there is too much on my mind. I slept at 5am and automatically woke up at 8am. There is definitely something wrong with me. Alot is running in my mind till eventhough I am tired and want to sleep I can't. I can only toss and turn on my cozy bed. Sigh.

Whats on my mind is tomorrow I am starting new job and worry about it. First have to worry about parking, then what to wear, then new job and new environmentt. Not to mention the people there. The issue of 'what to wear' is really stressful. I have to buy pants!!! I only got 1 only. How pathetic is that. Yes, I can wear skirts but I don't have shoes to match it. This is causing me headache. I want to go for shopping but time don't allow me to do so. I have to first visit my grandmother, later in the afternoon my mother and then at night my father. Stressssssss~

I have to buy pants and shoes!!! SHOES!!! PANTS!!!! I dont have the time to buy. I did not want to do this last minute but there was CNY and I was still working in Digi. Headache already. Adding to that is that I only have 3 hours of sleep. Crap...
Hopefully tonight I got time to purchase 1 of the items. Oh yar, I bought 1 black pants yesterday but it needs altering. SEE!!! Addition to my things to do list. 3 things on my list and it is not easily done. Why lar the new company wants me to start work so rush. I did not even have a rest day. Yesterday was my last day in Digi as customer service consultant and then today busy day. Tomorrow start new job. Anyone will also feel stress if they were in my shoes...HELPPPPP!!!!!

Loneliness is happiness

2009-02-01T03:32:00.004+08:00

Sigh..one good thing about having an inactive blog is that you can blurt out all your feelings without worrying others might read it. Today is another day I made my boy angry again. Maybe we are too opposites that we have a communication barrier. This is one of the hundreds fights we had. Yes, you are right. ANOTHER fight. I am coming to think that this shall be our weekly routine. How depressing. Will this ever end? Can we ever find a solution to this? Apparently the fights is always because of me. Am i so horrible? I wanted to ask but sure this will be a stupid question to him. Okay, stupid is too strong a word. Silly is more appropriate. I did not intend for our night to end like this but it just happen. I am sorta blur on how this happen! He sure react strongly to whatever I say. Whoa...tension betul.

I am so crapping right here. What to do? I need to find a source of release and writing always makes me feel better. Usually I will write all these private feelings in my diary but ever since i got my *ehem* personal laptop, I fell in love with typing. Haha. I guess this is just an excuse to use my laptop. Anyway, back to my probs. Where was I? Hmm..

Oh yar, if I tell him I am abit blur on the root cause of our argument just now, he sure will feel like killing me. But then, if I don't exactly know the cause, how can i prevent history from repeating itself? But if I do ask, he will be so pissed. Sigh..it is a dilemma. He sure will ask me to think. Crap, this is not easy. Furthermore I am not sure if my 'thinking' is in the right direction. Wanted to call him now but he sure will not pick up my call. Might as well pouring out my heart to my faithful blog.

I was right. I feel much better after typing. I just like to write when I am sad or stress. If I were to write on subjects of the world, I cannot. I ain't a good writer at all and and I am lazy to write. These are my excuses.

I so wanted to talk to you but you will not give me the chance. Saying sorry is not the solution to this. I had apologize too many times till I am ashamed to repeat that to you. Is being with me so stressful? I wanted to curtail my weaknesses but I find myself failing.

Well, thank you for allowing me to crap here. Now I can go to bed peacefully (sort of). If I were to keep all these in my heart, I will get a stroke.

May I have a great day ahead of me which is filled with laughter and happiness. =)

My first lonely sunday of 2009

2009-01-04T09:53:00.004+08:00

I'm suppose to be working today but felt lazy so i took a day off. It feels so good not to work on a sun. But..this is a lonely Sunday. I can't sleep well, I'm all alone now and I have nothing to do. It is quite depressing actually. I thought today will be a good day but it started out badly. First, bf is ignoring me now (ouch..it hurts), family ditch me to go with their friends to visit orphanage and I am in no mood to do anything but just stare at the open window. Somehow, that only makes me feel worst. I have to do something about this..I cannot stay in my room, I can go crazy and my mood will definitely worsen.

But what can I do? Where can I go? I really want to meet someone but that someone is angry at me and will not want to meet up with me. And if he does not, I will think he don't care for me and then it will lead to dissatisfaction on my part and later it will lead to argument (starting from his side). Sigh..this is one big cycle which will never ends. Now is only 10 am and I am clueless..I should let it go but my heart don't allow me to do so for I will miss someone alot. I wish I know what can I do to make things alright again. I am just so down lately and I don't like this feeling. I have to search for the old Jasmine back. I was much happier back then. Maybe because I am always so blur. Love can be a pain..I don't know is it because our thinking is too different. We always seems to misunderstand each other. I don't know your needs and you cannot satisfy my wants. Both of us also dont know what each other requires. These can really cause conflicts . Sigh..this too leads to explosion on both parts. I tried so hard to make this work but it is difficult on my side. I have to swallow up tears and pretend everything is alright when the problem is still there between us unresolved. You are too naive to think its solved. How can it be solved if we do not talk about it? For a girl, communication is the key to everything. Bet you know about it but still..you will say all I want is talk. Ish..

I lose hope in us. If I tell you this face to face, we sure will argue again. But this is how I feel. If we are always so unhappy together, why can't you just let me go? If you really care for me, don't ignore me. If you no longer feel like you can entertain me, it is better if we both let go. Only then both of us can find happiness and peace. There is no point struggling on this if you do not take a step forward and try to change for me. I am willing to change 50 % for you but I'll also need you to change 50% for me. If not, how can we work together to create a 100%? (I'm sure you must be thinking I am talking crap now). If you find out I said all these, you'll sure be angry at me AGAIN. You don't know how much this means to me. How much I want a guy just to show he cares instead of forgetting about me. Please don't say its all in your heart, I want you to show it to me. I want that to erase my loneliness and emptiness. Its not too much to ask ..but you will never do all this for me. That's the saddest part. You will turn out to be defensive and angry...

Just one of those days...

2008-10-05T02:04:00.002+08:00

I am feeling one of those moods again. Feeling moody this very moment. I can't find anything to cheer me up so hopefully after pouring it out over here I might feel better. What's causing me to have this emotion? I seriously don't know. Or maybe I subconsciously know it but not willing to explore it. Yes, I am in denial mode now. Well, sue me then. Haha.

This year is the year of 2008. Alot has been happening which causes changes in me. First of all, I am no longer a student and must find a job to support myself. Second, I am a graduate (old already). Third is much sweeter, I found a guy who made me feel wonderful inside and out *winks*.

I like the idea of able to support myself so I do enjoy working. Made me feel independent. I am 22 years old and have no intention on depending on my family (except for emotional support of course). The second was quite emotional for me, I just had my graduation on 6th august which was about a month ago. I looked at all my friends where we were in our graduation robe. I must admit that it did pull some emotional strings inside me as I was looking at them. This is unbelievable. We have been going through uni years together for the past 3 years. Not only in studies but facing life together and helping each other in personal growth. My uni years definitely are the best because of these people. You know who you are out there for making me feel special just by being with you guys. Recently I have spent less time with them and I do miss them. I miss chilling over at Feeza's place, go clubbing with my 'kakis' (Aron , Careen & Zeck), have girl talk sessions with my buddies Eunice & Erica. Sigh..wonder how are they doing now.

Lastly, for the third one...*wicked grin*...I shall save it for next time. By the way, I do feel much better this moment even though my original topic for this piece was not about these. I guess my attention got diverted as I was typing. Haha.

Stressssss~

2007-10-23T20:19:00.000+08:00

Aiyor...women studies 3000 word essay to be due on fri. that is like less than 4 days. i have a free day today and what did i end up doing? Eat, sleep, watch tv & read novels, ntg regarding my assignment at all. Sigh... feeling so terrible...but doing ntg to end my procrastination. T-T

I tried to start..but no mood. Furthermore, I dunno where and how to start. Yesterday had a test..its easy but i did badly for it. coz i cant rember my facts.. (more tears). Double sigh...

Goodness..i just sigh and mum (or stepmum to be more specific) scolded me for sighing. She believes that sighing will 'halau' away good luck or good fortune. Wow, she is such a traditionalist. I so do not believe in this custom or value or whatever u call it. Anyways, just annoyed only coz she scold me over such a nonsensical matter. Maybe i used to believe this crap but now...i SO do not.

Back to my sorrows...duno what to say adi. So, i shall save it for next entry.

1st time

2007-10-18T00:45:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was the first time i highlighted my hair. i decided that its time for such a change. I am tired of my hairstyle already. Everytime i cut my hair, not much changes is shown unless i cut it short or straighten it. However, i do not suit short hairstyle. i look fatter than i am if i do so or probably emphasize my big face. ahaha. Hair straightening is expensive. I could not afford it. rm 300 on your hair? maybe its alrite for some but I just can't bring myself to spend such a large sum on hair itself. i rather spend it on food, clothes, shoes, books or dvds (pirated) and vcds(orginal). I went with ..hmm..i guess u can say old pal coz i know her since i was 15. Anyhow, me and chianyee went there at about 2 stg. It took us 3 hours to get our hair done. Wow..i can't belive it. It is my first time staying in the saloon for so long. Wel, not really first..coz last time i always waited for mum in the saloon. I was always grumbling why it took her such a long time to be in a saloon. And now, i finally know the answer.

It was a fun and new experience for me. She did trim my hair abit but as usual, it looks the same. No one can tell the difference. The only noticeable thing is my hair color. I guess my dad needs some time gettin used to it. He doesn't really wan me to dye but he still allow me to do whatever i wan to. ^-^ that is wats so cool about him. He does not force his children to do what they do not wan to do. Back to the story, after the 'transformation', both of us decide to sorta celebrate our new look. It had been raining the whole afternoon and thus the weather was superb. We decide to eat roti tisu and have some teh tarik. yum yum. Just by the thought of it made me hungry now (yes, i am a glutton). it was abt 6 pm at that time. We were in high spirits. Chattin and laughing. Later, we headed home.

Get this, at night at about 9pm did i realize that both of us has forgotten to PAY. Gosh!!! I quickly called her up and told her. Both of us din realise this fact. unbelievable. this is the first time both of us eat without paying. ARGHHHH!!! The two of us felt so awful about it. It is not in our nature to take advantages of things. Also, why din the waiters stop us?haha. the whole situation is quite comical.

I love rainy days..i find it really romantic. of coz, running under the rain and gettin wet is hardly romantic to me. i love to enjoy a good book or watch movies and curl up in my room on a rainy day. Its so coolong and relaxing.

Its gettin late. Should get to bed. Have asignments to complete tmr.

Bored till i write

2007-05-01T02:26:00.000+08:00

Well..suddenly have the mood to write something. I can just imagine syaf rolling his eyes towards the ceiling and say 'Finally'. *laughs*

I must be crazy to be writting in the middle of the night. I know i know, i should be doing my assignment but i'm lazy. If any of u all dunno by now, let me tell you--I, Jasmine Yeoh is a lazy bum.haha. Man..i am really typing out crap.

I'm in my third year now. How time flies. I cannot believe I am that old already. I have to be mature and serious and all that grow up thingy stuff. But, i do find myself change unintentionally. I guess this is part of growing stage or in my case, maturing stage. The changes just happen whether you want it to or not.

Anyway, i shall not continue with such serious talk. But then what should i talk about?hmm..nah..dun care about it. I shall just talk whatever comes into thsi brilliant mind of mine.haha.It rhymes. I know what you guys must be thinking, 'that is just so lame'.

Sigh..at the end of this sem, a few of my course mates are going to leave their schooling life and step into the real world a.k.a. working stage. Syaf is one of them. I can still remember the time when we become close buddies. How we have change from then till now. But then , everyone has change. The changes are not a bad thing at all. I find us more mature and serious. Wait a minute, why am i talking like an old lady who is seeing her children growing right in front of her eyes? *laughs*

I do love children. I find them cute and interesting and innocent. Their minds are so unpolluted and naive. They do think the world is a beautiful place. So positive about everything. As we grow older, we tend to lose all that and become realists. We believe that the world is a harsh and no-nonsense place. You have to be hard hearted to be able to make a stand in the business world. Even though I am becoming very realistic, i try to think more about the good than the bad. Try to be more positive anfd have more faith in people. Thinking positive definitely maskers me feel better and alsp a better person. I hope i will not change all these naive characteristics. I do not want to be always thinking about the worst of people and be cautious. Life is already hard enough, with this, it will make it ever the more depressing. Do not misunderstand me by thinking i want rainbows and unicorns in my 'world', i don't. I just wish everyone can treat each other sincerely.

haha. and that will be the end of my crapping session. Thank you fo your precious time. =p

Too angry for words..then too sad pulak

2007-01-22T22:36:00.000+08:00

While I am typing here, i am feeling a mixture of anger and sadness. Lets talk about the anger first, my 13-year old brother makde me so angry. What causes my anger to erupt is a small issue but I guess all the frustration I have inside of me just break out. I just ask him to help me to complete a small task and he refuse to do it. Everytime I asked him for help he refused to help me out and just choose to ignore my words. Sigh..You may think its a small matter but what makes me even angrier (is there such a word?) is that even after i shouted and tell him how angry I am at him, he just ignore me like he did not heard anything and then later trying to talk to me. Of course I ignore his presence after the argument. I am too angry for words. How can he pretend like nothing happen? Maybe its a boy's trait or something like that.Why can't he just obey some of my pleas. Its not very demanding also.

Now, the anger has switched to sadness. Its always like this, when I am too angry or frustrated, end up i will be sad or even close to tears. I know i know, i am such a weakling rite?haha. I am unable to let out my emotion. I dunno why. I just want to let it all out coz keeping it all inside is not good for your health. That's why i chose to typed it all out. Come to think of ity, i do feel slightly better now after writing it down on here. My brother is so teruk. Did not even pujuk his sister. Maybe i am too unimportant for him. I cant angry at a person for a long time so maybe tomorrow after a good nite rest I will forget all about this incident as usual. I will probably unable to recall the details too. yeap, that's me.

Long time no see

2007-01-21T20:38:00.000+08:00

Okay, i know it has been a LONG LONG time since I add in anything to my beloved blog and i also received some complaints from someone. Well, here I am back in action.

Well, what should I say? hmm..yesterday i went to Feeza's place and i had a wonderful time. Its so good to see the gang again. Didn't realize how much i missed them till i saw everyone of them. Its so nice to hear the chatter and voices. Of course i can see how much they misses me with all the compliments, teasing remarks and complaints. I feel so well-loved. haha. I was not spared from all the criticisms. Are u people feeling guilty now? nah..dun sweat about it, i was not offended at all. I know this is your way of saying how much u guys misses me. The food was delicious. I loved it so much!!! I wish i have a bigger empty stomach but unfortunately..i dun have. *sob* I know what you guys will be thinking rite now, 'I never knew Jasmine aka jojo is such a pig '. haha.

Its so sad to see a member of the gang to be leaving for auzzie though. I will miss u so much Kavita. Actually, i am already missing u. Classes will be a bore and a drag without you. Life in uni will also will not be half as fun without you around to spice it up. No matter what, do take care my dear friend. Do not forget me yar. hehe.

As i am typing here, i am actually feeling not very happy. I have some problems which i have no idea how to solve it. But thanks for you guys who feel concerned about me right now. You guys needn't worry about me. I will be fine. =)

Till we meet again~

One month Anniversary

2006-11-22T19:19:00.000+08:00

I can't believe it. I have got my own blog for exactly one month today. Will celebrate thsi one moth anniversary by doing nothing about it.heehee.=P

Another week..gone

2006-11-22T18:40:00.000+08:00

Time really flies when you are enjoying urself. This is my second week of holiday..wish that it won't flew by so quickly. I get to blog now as my 13 year-old cousin is having his dinner (fried rice.yummy. ate it just now before him) and my other cuz is sleeping. Yay yay. i got to use the computer for a short moment.

I am back at my uncle's house. I went back to my home on wed then i came here again on sun. Holiday mah..so i have to visit grandmama more often. Do not waste the time & opportunity.
[Lil cousin has finish his dinner & demanding to use the comp but after i plead him with my puppy-ish doleful looking eyes, he relents. So i get to use the comp.Victory!!]
So anyway, i have been busy thses few days. I was pretty bored on Monday. Then during dinner, my 2nd uncle asked me about the new James Bond movie & if i had watched it. Guys love action flicks & my uncles are no different. Anyway, after our dinner my 3rd uncle came home. The elder brother decide to play a joke on his lil bro & the moment 3rd uncle walk into the house, my 2nd uncle asked him if he wants to watch Casino Royale as he has the tickets. haha. You should have seen my uncle's face. He was looking terribly tired when he walks in but the moment he thought he got to watch the movie right away, he looks wide awake in an instant. What a mean prank. I have no participation in this( I swear). I guess that no matter how old u are, older siblings will still love to tease their younger siblings. We managed to get the tickets which is shown at 9.30pm. My first time watching a sorta late movie. hehe. Oh..the movie was..okay. Quite enjoyable though i think Pierce Brosnan was a better looking james Bond than him. But..we must be open up to changes, thats why i can still accept the new 007.

Tuesday I brought my granny to visit her sister. I'd never been to that great aunt's house before. I seldom see her too. Its nice to see both sisters catching up.=) But what caught most of my attention the whole afternoon is the almost 3 months old baby boy. He is so CUTE!!! Simply ADORABLE!!! Can't pull my eyes off him the whole afternoon. I love babies. I am still thinking about that baby cousin of mine at this moment. He is so cute. Wait..i think i had mentioned that.oops. But its the truth & i will keep on saying that.haha.

Today my day was none too good. A stupid bike hit my car. He scratched my 'darling' (which is my car) & he has the nerve to scold me. Cis!!I am so mad now. I went to report to the police just now. Got a saman..man..By law i am wrong but according to the truth, that motorcyclist is WRONG!!! i have 2 eye witnesses -my grandma & my cousin brother(the older one). But..what can I do? This has taught me a lesson. Beware of MOTORCYCLIST. No matter who knock who, the law favours the motorcyclist. The owner of the car will always be the one who is wrong. sigh.

Holiday...!!!

2006-11-14T10:33:00.000+08:00

Exams over.Finally. Another semester has gone. Another year has passed by. When the semester starts, i will be a THIRD year. Gosh. How time flies.. I still remember the first day i was in uni. Was clueless and blur. of coz i have changed. ;) But I shall put all that aside for now & enjoy my 3 months holidays. have been waiting for it a long time.haha.

am now in my uncle's house. Staying with my 2 lil cousin bros(actually they are not so lil, both are grown up). have nothing to do. bored. TV needs repairing. dont have my comp ( i am able to use it now as both of them are sleeping). if they are awake, the will be hogging (or fighting over) the computer. They do not care about their poor cousin sis at all. *sob*

Its great to be back here in my uncle's home. I didn't see my uncles, aunties, cousins & granny for a long long time. I miss all of them alot, especially my granny's cooking but now since i am back, my gran cooks my favourite food at all three meals. yes, i am spoiled once i am staying over here. heehee.

i decide to spent some quality time with grandma while i am staying over. So this morning i got up at 6 stg to accompany granny to pasar. Its really difficult to wake up..i still want to continue sleeping in the cooling room & soft bed..but since i had made a promise to myself, i have no choice but to force myself to be awake. I love going to the pasar. Bought alot of food. So yummy. Burnt a hole in my pocket.

okay, my cousin bros are awake & they are fighting now. so noisy. disturbing me here. but i dont mind at all. one is 18 years old & the other is 13, yet they always fight & argue. Its very amusing to me. Love every inch of them though.ahaha.here they are arguing again. the youngest ask me to defend him but..no way.i do not want to get involve in it. Both of them should grow up.=P

Since they are awake, i must pass them the comp already. will update again. =)

-The Beginning-

2006-10-22T23:44:00.000+08:00

Ok, the reason i am creating a blog on bogspot is because i dislike the fact that whenever i posted something on my friendster blog, all my friends will recieve an email which announced the fact that i posted a post. i really don't want everyone to know that. I don't want to be the center of attention thus, this page is being created.

I am very lazy to type and don't really like to blog but end up i created a new blog?? i am so weird. Or am i following the crowd since most of my friends are into blogging. I don't know. That is yet for me to discover.