As per the title, this whole post is filled with anger and frustration. This whole post could be pointless or meaningless as the whole purpose is for me to release whatever I am feeling right now. Don't say you are not warned.
Ok, I know the topic of the email thread (among me and few of my closest uni pals) is about friendship. Some friend disappointed this other friend or Friend A buy gifts for Friend B and expect something in return..this kind of thing lar. Anyway, I was neutral about UNTILL night came. I already set a dinner date with this ex-colleague of mine. It has been 4 months since we last met and I feel guilty for not meeting him. I already asked him earlier but he was busy so last week I re-scheduled again. Today is the only day he will be free for the entire week. I know he is from another state and not many friends here. Most are in his hometown. Hence, I tend to feel guilty whenever I cannot meet up with him coz I feel he is lonely. Maybe that is just me being overly sensitive because some people may enjoy the quiet time they have with themselves.
I am so not this kind of person. I love crowds and meeting people. Yes, there were times I will crave for a moment of peace and quiet or curl up on my bed and just relax. But definitely not too often because it will make me feel extremely lonely and Jojo don't want to feel lonely for now. Whenever I am lonely, I will think of HIM. Nope, I cannot let myself do that because I don't want to miss a guy who disregard my feelings and just dumped aside. (Background music is Automatic by Tokio Hotel. I can hear the lyrics- There's no real love in you)
No sir-ree..I don;t want to be reminded of him. Gimme time people and he will be out from my heart in just a matter of time.Continuing on to my story, I got tied up in office and only able to meet him about 8.30pm. I drove over to his house and picked him up and we had Hokkien mee. We chat and enjoyed each other's company ( I assume la coz I dunno what was in his mind). I update him about my life, work and others while he? Just kept quiet. Asked me questions but sendiri pulak don't answer my questions. Why I got questions to ask about you is because I am interested to know about you. I can choose not to ask but as a friend, I am concern over you.
Moving on, we head over to this sorta rooftop like swimming pool (he stayed in a rented condo). It's very cooling and windy. I love it. He told me this is his favourite chillin spot. So we sat at a bench nearby and chit chat. It sorta drizzled a little at that time. We catch up abit. Now people, I know I have been goin on and on about my heartbreak - on and off but you guys as my friends are the ones who supported me when I needed you the most.
He is my sorta close friend so I thought of telling him how I really feel inside coz when u are with friends, you can be yourself instead of pretending to be someone you are not. I told him I am still heartbroken at times and I am not as strong as I potrayed to be. Manatau, he looks awkward. I can see it CLEARLY on his face which screams " Ok, moving on to next topic please!". Goodness, I felt lagi bad after this because I thought he is my friend and I can share my thoughts/ feelings with him. Sadly to say, he disappointed me big time. It could also be the fact that he is good friends with my ex hence he refuse to talk about it. I asked him straight in the face isit the fact that my ex and him are close friends keepin him from advising/ comforting me when I most needed. He replied " No lar. I just think...that you should not think about it anymore. If not how to move on..?".
Jojo: " Then did you think that by avoiding this issue, the problem will be solved and go away?"
Him: "No, I just don't want you to get sad"
Jojo: " I am sad that you as my friend is unable to bring yourself to listen to me and comfort me when I need the most"
Him: *silence and looking far ahead*
Do u know that throughout the conversations that we had, there wasn't much of eye contacts. Why? He is looking at everything except me. Tell me, is that rude/ disrespectful of what?
I was so hurt and angry that I cried. Not the sobbing kind but tears trickled down my face. I just feel like scolding him but held my anger in. I told myself that I am mature enough to control my temper and not said anything that I will regret later. Yeap, I did managed to controlled but..I also realized that in msn/msgs/ facebook, it is always ME who initiate the conversation. He has never ever make the move to say hi. Sigh..after 2 yrs of friendship and I only realized this sad truth. You called me your friend? Wait..am I even considered as YOUR friend?
I cannot even tell him about my probs. I will not say our friendship dies but..let just say that our friendship will never be the same as it was. Maybe after a period of time things will turn better? Who knows. I made the effort to arrange meetups so I can accompany him for dinner or others but in the end I agree to what my friends said in the email thread, "Those who don't make the effort to sustain the friendship just don't bother them anymore. Even if friendship has died does not makes a difference coz who needs friends who don't care about u".
Ok, after typing it out, I do feel much better. Not to mention that my fingers are sored from typing hard on the keyboard. Kesian my laptop saje. It is innocent but has to bear me typing so hard on it.
Another thing that pisses me off I shall write another day. Now all I want to do is lie on the bed, close my eyes and relax myself.
Good nite peeps.
