Stay back in office

Its 7.17pm and i am still in office. Why? Because it is very jam out there and I have no place to go to. Hence, I choose to remain in the office. Surf the net and chat with my bestie. I am sure everyone I know will be either at home with family having dinner or out with friends chilling at some restaurant. I do enjoy this loneliness feeling occassionally. It makes me think alot and of course makes me emo or depress. Haha.

Tuesday is going to be over and I have 3 more days to go and then ta-da! Its the weekend. This Saturday my cousin sister who is 2 years older than me gonna get married. She has been dating for the past 5 or 6 years. How I envy her. To marry a person who loves her and she loves in return. I realize that love does not exists easily. So for those who are in a relationship, cherish what you have right there in your hands. Do not bicker or complain so much about each other. Accept the person as who he/she is. I commit this mistake and I am facing the consequences.

Today early in the morning work got problem. Shipment issue. How boring can that be. I have to chase a few parties to get the booking. Then have to follow up. At 5 pm only the shipping line release the containers to us. See! It dragged from morning to night. So sad case. In between I also have few orders from customer to processed. Calculate the weight of all the stocks, check if there is stocks for customer's orders and also print this or check that. Sheesh! Glad to know that the day has finally come to an end. I wonder how was his day? I can imagine that it will be busy busy busy. Poor thing. I wish I can give him some comfort. It is not that I not willing to give but he no longer want to have accept anything from me nor does he want to have anything to do with me. Really ouch~ There is no turning back now. I want to be optimistic and believe that in a matter of months, we meet up and realize that we still care for each other a great deal and then..he will be willing to start over again with me. =) If I really have this chance, I really will treasure this second opportunity. I will not make him regret for open up his heart to me.

Man..I am sure whoever is reading this must be thinking "this girl is totally pathetic. Someone please slap her awake. No wonder her guy don't want her anymore. I also don't want a gf like this". Haha. Did I guess correctly? Yeah..I do know that I am delusional but..I will not stop having hope. Hope is what motivates a person in life. You dream and you strive hard to achieve your dreams. Never give up and stay focus on your dreams. One day it will come true.

I can choose to be positive in example: Since I still love him, I will make him fall in love with me again. How? I will find one way or another. My determination will not waiver no matter how hard I will fall. I will stand right up again and never give up. Maybe one day God or him will take pity on me and he will open up his arms to me again. I just have to be patient. Maybe he has not give up his love on me but just trying to teach me a lesson. I dunno that. Only he and God knows. Yes, I do know that I am really being pathetic and delusional about this. Not to mention being idiotic, stubborn and refuse to face the reality.

The second optimistic option that I can have is no matter what happens in the future, if me and him are meant to be together, in the end we will still be together. We are separated for now because separation makes the hearts grow fonder.

I know that I want to keep on hoping but sometimes..stop means STOP!! You gotta wake up girl and face the reality. Do you really think he still loves you? If he does, he would have mention it to you. He is not responding to you at all is because he is trying to tell you he don't want to care about u anymore and the more you are continuing all these, the more he will detest you and think of u as a loser. A total pathetic loser who is so cheap and girl, you are degrading yourself. He has mentioned to you that he do not care for you already and you are NOT listening to him. You are trying to lie to yourself because you cannot accept the cruel fact. Jasmine Yeoh, enough is enough. He has repeat to you that he no longer cares for you and thankful that he is not your boyfriend anymore. So why can't u take the hint and take a hike? Why keep on hoping? You are hurting yourself and everyone who cares for you. I understand that you love him very much. Then continue loving him for the time being. Continue till the day your heart really can let go of this first love of yours.

Remember that everything happens for a reason. You feel the pain now but time will heal your pain. It has only been a month plus. Give yourself another 2 months. You will grow used to it and by then..you will have a different perspective in life. Be thankful that he was in your life and love you for that one year and 3 months. Thank him for showering you with love and open up a whole new world and experience for you. Now this mentor has to go for his teaching has ended. Your journey with him has ended. He will find another girl who will open up his heart again. Yes, I know you will be crushed and jealous but if you truly love him, you will want him to be happy even though you are suffering alone. Sacrificing is part of love. Don't cry Jas. It is difficult now I know. No one can feel it but you alone but you gotta stay strong. No matter what happens, you still have your mind, body and soul to pull you through the difficult times. You are not alone. Just look around you and be thankful of what you are and what you have today.

Life is a learning journey. Everyday you are learning. Maybe sometimes you are too blur to see it or feel it. This separation has taught you alot and you must admit that you are glad that you changed to the person who you are now right? =) Thank him for leaving you. He may be suffering and you don't know about it. Even if he is happy, you should not be sad that he is happy while you are depressed. Knowing he is happy should make you happy also. Because you no longer exist in his life, he grew happier and relax each day. Isn't that great? If the both of u continue to be together and in misery, are u happy that he is in misery? No right. So Jasmine Yeoh, he did this for a reason. You tried your best to patch things up with him but he don't want to. Why force him to talk to you or meet up with you? You are being self-centred. Selfish. Disregard of other people's feelings. You say you have grown mature right? Prove it that you really are mature and is a different Jasmine.

You can do it! No matter what your heart wants, you can achieve it. Never lose faith in God and yourself. If you really want to win back his love, you must prove to him that you are a totally changed Jasmine who will never hurt him again. Are you ready? Do you think you have achieved that? You know that now is not the time. You still need more time to pull yourself together. To get focused. You are not totally changed and if now you are to meet him, disaster will strike and maybe you really will lose him forever.

Jasmine Yeoh, Jiayou! Become the person that you are meant to be. Utilize this period to achieve your personal growth. Even though you are depressed every single day of your life, but you do know that you are learning something new as each day passes. Your heart grew stronger and determine. People can call you stubborn or stupid for not letting go but they are just them. You are you and what makes you special is you yourself. There will never be another Jasmine Yeoh who is the same as you. You can continue hoping and loving him untill he probably get a new girlfriend but I am sure when that day (him having a new gf) comes, you will not be feeling as you are right now. Because during this time, you would have different thoughts and perceptions. Do not force yourself to forget him or keep on crying that he no longer loves you. It is not the end of the world but the beginning of a new chapter in your life. Pray that he is happy and healthy always for you know that if anything bad happen to him, you will be the on suffering while he wun even have a clue nor does he give 2 cents of what its worth.

take this time and opportunity to learn about youself. To get to know the Jasmine who is changing each day. Don't have to prove to anyone but yourself. You will feel damn proud when you finally succeed. =)

Yes, I was lecturing to myself. Don't worry peeps, I have not gone cuckoo. Just trying to inspire myself and guess what, it made me feel better.

OK, 8.22 pm adi. gotta head home!

Ciao~

My 2nd Monday of year 2010

I want to head home but knowing this time (7pm), it will be super jam. Not only at Federal there but from Subang Jaya driving into USJ area. That one is totally headache! So, i decide to stay back in office and trying to chill (a.k.a msn). I cannot log in to Facebook or YouTube cause company has denied that access. But, as I can online, it is still better than nothing.

Everyone is gone. Only me alone in this room. I do feel lonely but I like this alone kind of feeling. Sometimes can make me emo. Yes, for this moment I am feeling emo. Why? Well..lets just say the whole day did not start out good and ends well. Early in the morning kena tembak by someone. Then after lunch, some stuff happens which tries to ruin my day. I swore that I will stay cheerful at all times. Then towards 6pm, another disaster occur. I stayed in the office to check through untill I found the solution. Its already 6.40pm. Too jam for me to head home. This really feels crap. Anyways, I decide to make the best out of my misery.

I shall just chill here with my friends and blog.

I miss him so much. I still do. Sigh..I wish I can receive his calls or messages. But I know that will never ever happen to me again. He has move on with his life. It is like I never exists in his life before. I accidently saw his comment on his female best friend's FB page and guess what? The both of them are planning to go on an island trip together. Probably just the both of them. Wow~ the hurt is damn bad when I read through the comments. This taught me to never check his page again. I thought that I am ready for anything, that I have let go of him. But no, I haven't. I am so jealous and so hurt. I want to go on an island vacation with him. In our 1 year together, we only have been to Bukit Tinggi and Port Dickson. I thought that there will be more to come but..now my dreams are crushed.

Everyone keep saying to me on how I will find a better guy who is nicer, richer, better looking, cherish me and will not ever let me shed a single tear but..I do not care about other guys because he is the only guy I have ever loved or should I say still love. First cut is the deepest. He will forever be my first love. I was so naive to think that he will be my ONLY love. My one true love but things don't work out the way you want to be. It is so painful and I do not want to go through it again but then..I know I am stronger than this. Why should I fear of love after failing just once? I must pick myself up and start over again.

Love can really make a person grow. I must admit because of him, I have matured abit more compare to before the break up.

1) I will never ever take things for granted anymore.

2) Appreciate and treasure a person just the way he/she is.

3) Spend more time with your family

I used to always hang out with friends or boyfriend and neglected them. Bad Jasmine! But ever since the break up, i stay at home more often and start to bond with my brothers. My-oh-my, how much they have grown. I can see the man in them already. I am so proud of each of them. Even though they don't voice out, I can feel their concern for me. They are so worry about me coz I lose the love of my life.

4) Love yourself before you love others.

I always go out of my way so I can please my ex-boyfriend. I did some things which I did not like but force myself to do so coz he likes it. Also, whenever I got problem, I rely on him and when he cannot provide me the comfort I want, I got upset and we started argue. I swear this will not ever occur in my next relationship. That is if I ever got another boyfriend. I must take care of myself and be independent. Heal my own wounds because only you yourself can make yourself happy. Do not depend on anyone. =)

5) Be independent

Like I said previously, I was kinda independent. Then when I had my boyfriend, I start to depend on him. I just did it automatically. Maybe because I never was in a relationship before, thus I am ignorant of many things. I am childish, naive, demanding, insecure, irrational, indecisive, inconsiderate and not understanding. Everything I also push it to my ex-boyfriend. He is so pitiful. Work already stresses him out, then he has to take care of his family and then the girlfriend always unhappy when with him and scold him or lecture him. No wonder he choose to leave me. I know the problem lies on me. I see that now. I do want to make amendments. I wanna make it up to him but it is too late. It really is too late. No matter what, nothing can turn back time. What is done is done. He has move on happily with his life and he is really glad to be rid of me. I have no one to blame but myself. Why was I so blind when I am in the relationship? Like I said, I took things for granted. When I lost it then only I realize that it is a gem that I have lost. As the song lyrics goes : "Its too late to apologize..Its too late~" Sigh.

6) Savour every single moment of your life

If today has end, there will not be a 2nd 'today'. It will already be another day. Different day. Ever since going through such a painful and emotional period, I have come to appreciate every single moment of my life. Smile more often. Do not think those uneccesary thoughts which will make you worry or depressed or angry. Be in that present moment with whoever you are with. Let it be friends or family or someone you just met. It is not easy for 2 individuals to meet and become friends. It is even difficult for 2 souls to fall in love and walk down the road of life together. Cherish each and every part of your life. Savour the moments when you are with your love ones for you never know that this could be the last memory you have for each other.

Life is too short. No point holding to grudges, remember the pain someone has caused you, or thinking of ways to get even with that person. What do you achieve if you really crush that person? It will only make you no different than him. A cruel and heartless person who likes to torment those supposedly weaker than him. I choose not to hate anyone or angry at a person and it does makes me happier. =)

I do not hate my ex for wanting to end our relationship. I just feel regret that I should have treat him better when I had the chance. So what if I have learnt my mistakes? Time does not turn back. I cannot expect us to work things out and start all over again. I really wanted to but he refuse to open up his heart to me anymore. He has chosen to forgive and forget about me and it made him happy. Of course that I am crushed that he is leading a happy life after ending the relationship with me but I have no one to blame but myself. If I truly love him, I should set him free to do whatever he loves.

Jasmine Yeoh, you have only 1 life and must not have any regrets anymore ok?!! *jasmine trying to motivate herself albeit its lame*

Its really sad to know that love can just wilt away in time...=( 2 people who are so in love with each other back then are no longer together because one party no longer loves the other party.

I love the movie "The Parent Trap". Can guess why? Because in the end, the parents got back together even though they have been separated for many years. I am a sucker for happy endings. Maybe it is because my parents separated since I was really young, so I always have a secret wish that when they meet up again 1 day, the old emotions will flood back and they will get back together. Of course this is just fantasy. In reality, my dad remarries and mum did the same. Each of them have a wonderful marriage with their new spouses. I am happy for them. *smiles* Anyways, I love it when I read stories or watch movies where 2 people who are once separated got back together again. It is like they are meant for each other. No matter who they met or what they have gone through, they still love each other and be together in the end. They are meant for each other...

Sweet eh? I know..some people will call me naive and delusional but hey, I am free to dream whatever that makes me happy. =) Yeah, a small part of me wish that in the end, me and my ex will remain together because we are still in love with each other after all we had been through but it is just a small part. I do not dare to hope and even hope also it is fruitless. Nothing will come out from this. He has really cut me out from his life completely. No matter how hard I tried or how much I pray that he still loves me a lil, I know that I am being delusional and refuse to accept the cruel fact.

Okies, its 8pm. I can finally go home. Hope it is jam-free for me.