As usual, I am so tired while I am typing this. Its quite sad that everytime I am writing my blog, I will definitely be dead tired. Don't care. I am gonna write untill 12 am and then I am gonna hit the sack no matter what. I really need to get some rest.
Ok, let me start about my day. This morning when I get my butt up from bed, my heart don't feel that heavy as compared to yesterday(wednesday). I will not say I am happy but not it was not aching either. I just feel..kinda hollow at some point. The jam today was quite terrible! It took me almost an hour to get to my office. Sheesh. Throughout the journey, I felt as if something is not right and yes, the 'not right' is because I am missing the feel and presence of my favourite travelling companion, the small bear. Just now while I was driving back home from Tropicana City Mall, I also miss the bear. You know la..its very dark and I am alone. It will be comforting if I got the bear to hold on to. I am now contemplating should I take the bear out from my closet and place the bear in my car. Somemore I was saying lets try it for a week without bear, I cannot even last 2 days. haha.
If you ask me did I think of him, I will be lying if I say no. There will be a couple of times the image of him or our memories passed through my mind. =) Of course I still care for him and love him but I have finally accepted the fact that even though we might still love each other, doesn't mean that we can share a life together. Maybe as friends but not as a couple. He saw it while I did not. But, its never too late.
If I thought that I have learn 2 days ago after the cold and harsh call I received from him (I will never forget the words he uttered from his mouth - "Will you just stop it!!" Ouch~that hurts), I am wrong because everyday I am discovering new viewpoints, new understanding. I am learning each day and I am happy about it. I dun like the fact that I was dwelling in misery. Today I see things much clearer compare to 2 days ago. Lee Chern Wah is a great guy. He is wonderful just the way he is. It is not his fault that he cannot open up his heart again to me and want to be with me in future. I do admit alot is my fault because of my character, behaviour and understanding of things. Sadly, I see that I pushed him alot. I always pushed him to the limits till he lose control. I should be patient and give him space and time. Let the truth reveal itself to me in time. One of my flaw (which also caused the end of the relationship) is my impatience. I cannot wait and everything also want to know so I push and force till I get he info or anything I want. Yes, I am damn selfish. I see it so much clearer now. Its sad that I did not see that before, if not me and him might still be together. However, its all in the past already. He saw that we are indeed incompatible at all thus he decided to end it. One must step away when he/she sees that things are not working out at all in a relationship. I was too controlled by my emotions while he is more rational in this sense. In some way, I am glad that he chose to walk away. If he did not, both of us will still be suffering and most likely in misery. Once you step back, the view is much wider and clearer. Just like..if me and him still together, I will not understand and go through all this. I will not learn and probably continue hurting people who cares about me or I might be causing pain to others without even realising it.
I know I still have many flaws but I will discover it one by one. Its just a matter of time. All these experiences makes life more interesting. We are humans thus make mistakes and learn from them so we can be avoid the same mistake from occuring in future.
Now I wonder..why didn't I realize all this while I was with him? Why was I so selfish and force him? Why can't I just leave him alone? Why do I want to hurt and irritate him that much? haha...i know why..I couldn't see nor understand all these back then. I was much more childish and naive than I am now. I wasn't a fool..I was just..inexperience about life and human behaviour. I know that there is so much more to learn about life, me and human & I am so looking forward where the path will lead me to. =) LCW is just a stepping stone. The beginning of my journey.
Its funny how I look at things differently compare to Tuesday or even past few weeks. Each day I am achieving the so called inner growth. =)
That poor guy. He has been going through alot like family responsibilities relies on his shoulder, his stressful work and probably his friends. All of these are really heavy on his shoulders till..he cannot breath. To be frank, I am still worry and concern about him. I dunno if he is ok with his work or his family. I wish I can show him my concern but..whats the point? Who am I to even care about him? I will believe that he is a big boy and know how to release his stress. Wish he can be much happier now that I am not there to haunt his life. hahaha.
After what I did to him, he probably hates me now. Even if dun hate at least find me damn annoying and irritating. Could be also that he has truly given up hope/faith/any feelings he had on me. I deserve that i guess. Ok la..enough about him and all this emo stuff. I recently only found out that his ex (Agnes) checks my FB, my blogs and whatever social network I am on, she will check on it. She even calls herself a stalker. haha. This post she will definitely read it. I dunno how to react about that. If she is so free to check on me, so be it. =) But i sure will not stalk on her coz I have more important and fun stuff to do than check on people's site or whatever not. Maybe I used to do that to my crush or LCW but those days are done. Of course I will have the urge to check on his FB page but if I know what he is doing, then..? What can I do? Who am I to even bother? The answer is no one. If I check on his page and I found out he fell for some girl, I dunno if I can take it onot. So, as much as I would like to know, I dun dare to bring myself to see his page. I am scared. I am afraid that I will come across some things which will hurt me again. I need to protect this heart of mine. Its been hurt so many times and I dun wan to get the wound open up again just when it is startin to heal. Yeah..I am so drama right now. =p But its the truth la.
Wow..12.15am adi. Ok, i really have to stop writing. But before I end this, let me say that tonight it was awesome. I had a wonderful time chillin with my pal Lay Ping and also get to watch Shrek Forever After. The final installment in the Shrek series. Its nice and funny and worth the watch. If I am not mistaken, I believe I watched Shrek 3 with LCW. Was it in July? After the PD trip? Nevermind, its not important anymore. True Love is the theme. Is there such thing as true love?
Alrightey then, good nite!
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