You know..when I wake up from bed, i will have this heavy hearted feeling or an ache in my heart. It depends. Some days I will feel ok the moment I open but my eyes but this kind of days are rare. I feel as if something is missing in my world. I just need that something then it will be complete. Yes, I am sure everyone knows there is only one thing I need is only him.
Its already 5 months since we broke up and I still cling on to this pathetic hope that somehow, someday we will be together again. This is what I call living in denial. I do know that. I keep on saying it is dificult to forget him, it is impossible to let go of my feelings towards him and also telling everyone I am ok and I already let go. I am just giving excuses to hold on to something which is not even there anymore. I mean, who am I kidding? I can tell to the whole world that I am ok but in the end I cannot lie to myself. At first I thought of this as a way to psycho myself. I tell myself that if I keep on telling the world that I am ok, sooner or later I will believe in it and truly be ok. Goodness..I am only fooling myself here.
Today I purposely call him countless times just to irritate him and he gotten mad. He did not say it but I know he is trying to tell me that I am freaking irritating. He was very annoyed and he called me to scold me. In the end he did ask me to stop doing this, I asked 'why?' and he hung up the call on me. I was a fool to even ask why. I already know the answer. I just got to stop contacting him. I send a text mesage asking if he is avoiding me. He scolded me that " What kind of sms are you sending to me. Do you know the meaning of BUSY onot? Dun you know that I am very busy? This is the reason why I break up with you. It was a wise choice and I have no regrets. You will never learn and you will never change. I already have problems at work and now you are sending me all this crap. Can you stop doing all that?".
I was having dinner with Lay Ping at 1 Utama's Chili's when he called me. He said that I am so childish and what was it that is so important that I gotta call him. I told him I only called twice but subsequently, I suspect my phone got problem because unable to call out. No network like that. He obviously do not believe me and think of it as a ploy from my side just to irritate him. He was so pissed off. I think, its more like he IS STILL VERY pissed off.
Yes, I admit that I have done wrong in this case. LP say I did not give each other space and time to cool off. There is no point for me to continue contacting him because he already don't want to be with me. He is already taking steps to move on while I am still holding to a rope which will only get myself killed in the end. There is no denying the fact that deep from my heart, I long for us to be together again. That is why I refuse to accept the simple truth - he has gotten over u and obviously do not want to be with you any longer. This fact has been dangling right in front of my eyes screaming for my attention yet I chose to ignore it. Pretend I did not see it and continue living in my fantasy world that he will come back to me again some day. Isn't it stupid of me? I hate myself so much because I am just TOO pathetic. Even I myself also cannot stand my ownself. Big sigh. Is first love like this? First cut is the deepest?
LP say he is so kesian because I am just to needy. Too obsessed with him that I still long for his attention. Hence the calls and msgs. I just got to stop it because if I continue this, he is going to hate me. You know what, I already think he has started to hate me. Just now during the call, his voice was so frustrated, angry and harsh. I know he really cannot tahan me anymore. Apparently he got some hard time at work and there I was disturbing and annoyed the hell out of him. Yar, I do know its all my fault.
After what he said to me, I was in a dazed mode. I couldn't speak for awhile. As a very chatty person who is suddenly very quiet, obviously there was something wrong with me. LP gotten concern about it but I just cannot tell her what was wrong. After some time and sorta finished my yummy quesadilla (which i love it so much. yum yum!), I finally able to open up a little and tell her a little about my story. Before I even finish narrating, LP already start to shoot me kau kau. To cut things short, she made me see the light. She made me see how childish and selfish I am and because of my behaviour over such a small issue, I caused pain to others. She also said that I always say I love him but this is not love. Loving is not only letting go but also about wanting the other party to be happy. She said that each day I will feel like shit coz I miss that person, somehow some things will remind me of him, there will be times where I will want to call or message him, or there will be times where all I want to do is just cry and cry and cry. She said that as much as it hurts me, I will get better. 1 year perhaps. or 2 years or even longer. It all depends. Yes, I have put in my heart & soul into the relationship but things do not work out in the end. However, never regret what has happened but appreciate that it had happened. Because it helps to mould you into who you are today.
*Jasmine thinking hard at this moment*
Even though he told me he does not want to be with me anymore, I do not blame him. The fault is not on his side. Scissors comes in a pair. It is useless if it works in single. I really don't want him to hate me, I still have a tiny hope we can somehow be friends. That is why..when Lay Ping say if I continue this, it will make him feel disgusted and hate me, that is the part where I was slapped fully awake from my current in-denial land. I have been living in denial for too long and refuse to face the truth.
I tell you, I cried there and then in Chili's then went to the ladies and continue crying there. After that I cried in the shopping mall itself while LP walk me back to Chili's. It was embarassing but I just couldn't care much. I was too hurt, depressed and in pain. Yes, my heart was aching so badly till I cannot breath. I told myself that its time let go and this time, I really can do it because my heart is saying "let go my dear. U can do it. U must do it". If I still continue to hang on to false hope, I will forever be in misery.
I controlled myself after that because Aron, Maxine and Mindy has arrived. But I just don't feel so good. At about 10pm, I walk back to my car. They will be continue at The Curve Library with some cocktails but I was too tired for it. All I wanna do is to go home and..rest I guess. I also dunno what I wanna do but I just cannot move anymore. Brain has decide to block out everything and focus on 'misery'. The moment I got into my car, I cried and cried till I reach home. I cried so loud somemore. By the time I reach home, I cannot see clearly already because my eyes are swollen. Once I am in my room and after a hot comforting bath, i lay out the stuff he gave me - nohohon, big bear bear, snall bear bear, the ring and also the key chain all on the bed. As I say goodbye to all these stuff, memories flood in my head. My heart aches the most when I put the bears in a bag. I threw away the roses (which are dried now obviously) into the bin.
Now, the gifts he gave me are at the top shelf which I will not see because when I see it, it will only hurt my eyes and my heart. I am fully letting go.
Just forget it Jasmine Yeoh. Things have really come to an end and there is no turning back. Do face the reality. No matter how much I pray, he will not come back to me again. Don't be so stubborn Jas.
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