Lets see..this morning I went to an agency then after that went to uncle house and have lunch with grandma. Its so nice. I love grandma's cooking-even if its just mee + char siew. hehe. It still taste awesome.
After that I finish some paperwork and the next thing I know its already 4pm. I cannot go out to other agency because it has started to rain really heavily. Its horrible to be out on the roads at a time like this. Anyway, I curi-curi had a short tea break with my colleague and I had pao, curry puff and hot cup of over-sweet milo. haha. After that I continue with my work and the time just flew by. The next thing I know its already 5.30pm. One whole day just gone like that.
I drove home and suddenly thought of asking this person out. I was contemplating shud I or shud I not and I already know most likely the person will not have dinner with me. But then..i told myself.."why not? just asking only. no big deal". So i text the person and he really did replied he cannot make it tonight coz he has too much work to do. Hmm..somehow its what I predicted. Its funny how that..eventhough I already knew the answer, but I still want to do it or ask. Its as if I want to prove that I am right, what I assume or come to believe is true.
It is month end and I assume he will have tons of stuff to do. Suddenly in my mind, I thought of buying him food as I thought that he will stay back late in office. I already call myself foolish and dun do all this sort of nonsense and most probably he will be gone from office when I reach or maybe he will not want to see me. See! Even though I already predicted the outcome, I still want to go buy 'char siew fun' and drove to his office. When I reached, I tried to call but unable to reach his mobile. Maybe the place he is in has very weak signal. I called twice but still tak jadi so I text him. The ironic thing is the message got through. He replied that he has left his office 10 mins ago. I told him I bought him food and thought of passing it to him but...no reply from that guy.
Haha..I already know this will happen in the end so why am I still so stubborn and knock my head against the wall? I thought about it on the way to Chianyee house (I already told her in the afternoon that I will visit her after finish working. She is sick and I am worry about her). I sort of came up with a conclusion...I want to do this even though I already know the answer because..I want to hurt myself..I want to test myself..I want to know my limit..I want to make myself patah hati. True enough..even though I was disappointed that my plan did not work out accordingly but..I surprised myself in some way. I thought that I would be devastated and cry because I did not get to see him and my plan turn out the exact opposite but..I felt disappointed a lil and..relieved that somehow we did not meet each other. Deep down inside, I am not ready to meet him today..I dunno what to say to him nor do I know how to act around him..I mean..if we really did get to meet up then how? Can we talk? If yes what to talk? haha..i really dunno. I guess I am still am a chicken in some ways. I am scared to face the reality. I am scared to face him. I never thought the day will come where I will not dare to face him.
He must be really tired coz of the workload and I believe that he came home late yesterday. I know its none of my business yet..I still cannot help but care. Oh ya..before I forget. Let me tell you something, I told you earlier that I called him twice right when I reach but he did not pick up right? Well..after I sent the message telling him I bought char siew fun, he did not reply. 15 mins passed by and I decided to call him to clarify. I think his phone either no battery or the place no network at all coz the call unable to get through. I called twice/thrice and use my Maxis no. to call him to but still the same. My conclusion is..he reached home already and probably already knocked out on the sofa or bed and in addition, his phone battery is dead. Let see if my conclusion is correct onot (not that it matters anyway right?).
Anyway, I quickly text him that I called him just to explain buying the rice for him does not mean anything and hope he will not misunderstood my intention. I am so afraid that he will get angry at me for calling him so many times ( 5 times i suppose. Never keep track). I kena before from him that when he turn on his phone, he received about 10 miss calls and he was damn pissed at me and scolded me. That is why this time I am scared adi so I MUST text him to explain. I dun want history to repeat itself. haha. Kena marah once is enough. Lesson learnt! But the message did not get through so my conclusion that his hp is dead is most probably 80% correct. I just hope he will not misunderstood and get annoyed/frustrated with me. Thats all I ask.
You can call me foolish for doing this (buying him food and plan to surprise him) but I dun feel so lor. You see..this incident allows me to understand more about the current me - what I am feeling and thinking. Like I mentioned earlier, in the past I will feel heartache and disappointment and probably be moody the entire night and maybe the next day too but this time..just a twinge of disappointment then..I snap myself out from it. I did not feel moody the entire night. Probably just that 3-5 minutes only. haha. Apart from that, I also know that..what are my feelings towards this...erm..what is the appropriate word to use..?..issue? Ok, lets just use issue. I am not saying I have completely let go but I am not like last time already. Its not the fact that he isn't my bf adi hence I dun get angry or sad because he did not fulfill the obligation of a bf. Its definitely not that. =) I am very pleased with myself that..I am learning to let go..that..I will not be unhappy and release my emotions on people if I did not get things my way. You see, when bad things happened, something good always come out from it. In my case, the bad thing is my efforts are wasted because I did not get to see him and passed him the food, but the good thing is..I am healing day by day. I feel better as each day passed. That..even without him, I still able to live life to the fullest. I am happy to know this. The good thing that came out of it is ...I know myself better.
Yes, of course I still miss him even at this very moment but..doesn't mean that I will continue hoping to be with him again. He saw that love is not enough to sustain a relationship..that understanding also needed and I wasn't able to give him that in the past. Hence he just pull away from me. Its not his fault..its just a clash of characters between us. I was too blinded and naive back then that is why I wasn't able to see it. But now? I see it so much clearer. Let me say this again..my dearest, I love you and probably will always love you..but I see that we are unsuitable for each other. Walking in separate roads is probably the best (yet to be 1oo% sure so we shall just let time tell us). I will always be grateful to you. It is from you I learnt so much about everything - love, friendship, relationship, family and mostly..myself. I do miss you so much. I..wish we can be friends..I will still like it very much if you are part of my life in some way.
Ok, maybe this is gettin abit emo from the looks of it but I am NOT feeling emo at all. Looking at what I wrote..I am sure when I read this again few days later, I might probably laugh at myself for being so dramatic and emotional. haha.
Alright then, its 10.30pm. Time for bed~ Wait..i think I shall enjoy a movie 1st before I hit the sack. Oh..I am so hungry now..the yummy mango yoghurt is not enough..T-T I forgotten to have my dinner so just now at 9.30 I had yoghurt and thought it will sustain my hunget but manatau..1 hr later I am even more hungry. Where is my belt? It leaves me with no choice but to 'ikat perut' with my belt. haha.
A sudden thought as I was walking myself towards the fridge to try dig for some non-fattening food, in situation like this (LCW did not answer my calls or ignore me the whole night by also not replyin my msg), I would have been angry and end up fighting with him ..but that was all in the past. Aiyor..think bec I also feel silly. Its such a small matter only. Why la I want to make into a big issue and end up both of us fight? It is so unnecessary. Well..too late. Relationship ended adi..so make sure I do not repeat this in the future (which I am very sure I will not). (^__^)
No comments:
Post a Comment