Saturday

Actually today I am supposed to work half day at work but I messaged my boss in teh morning for I was not feeling well. I tool EL for the very first time. I feel bad but I was not in a good condition as I need the rest I can get. Sigh..these 2 weeks I can hardly sleep. I cannot stop thinking about him. I know..I scold myself for being so pathetic but love is totally blind.


Every Saturday is our day. We will hang out and chill together on this day. How I longed for you to call me. I do wish to see you badly. But as each day passes..I fear that I will lose you. =( I miss you so much. So many memories flashed through my mind. All the happy times we had.

Dreaming

Today is public holiday. I am happy because finally you can have the time to rest. I duno if I guess correctly but this whole month has been stressful and tiring for you. Finally you are able to sleep in late and lazy around.

This morning, I dreamt of u. We met up and you told me that you still care for me and long to be with me. I was so happy. We hugged and kissed. Then I opened my eyes. I look around the surroundings and realized that it was just a dream. I was crushed for it felt so real. I was praying it to be real too. =( I miss you so much. It has been 2 weeks since we last talk in peace. My heart aches so much. I wish you will forgive me and come back to me. I wish I know what is on your mind.

I wanted to call or message you desperately but I hold back. You told me that you need time and I will give it to you. I will not contact you in any way possible. It is really difficult. It seems like I have lost touch of you. I crave to hear how ur days were, what you have been doing and everything about you. How I wish I can turn back the clock to the time when we are still together.

How are you my dear? I called your sister and she told me that you are happy with your life as it is. I do feel crushed for this means that you are able to pull me out from your heart completely. But..as long as you are happy, then it should be good enough for me. Loving someone does not mean you have to be with that someone. As long as he/she is happy, you will be happy too. That is the most important thing. This is what I said to myself repeatedly.

I know that I have done and said things which hurts you over and over again. But I do hope that I can be given another chance to make things right again. We have been seperated for 2 weeks. This is the longest period that you are mad at me. I am so scared that during this cool off period, you will tell me that you dont love me any longer. That you do not want to spend the rest of your days with me any longer. Or worst, that you have found someone else. But no matter what, I will support your decision even if it will break my heart into million pieces.

Life without you is really miserable and meaningless. I longed for your call or message each day. I will be so happy just as long as I can receive any news from you. I miss the bears that you gave to me. I hope you are taking good care of them instead of dumping them aside.

These 2 weeks has gotta be the longest and most miserable weeks in my entire life..There were days where I wish I can continue sleeping so at least in dreams I can still see you. I must say also that because of this separation, I have reflect so much upon myself. I see the wrongs and causes which leads to this stage. I do not blame you for anything. I have taken our relationship for granted all along. I am so sorry. However, I will wait for you. I will wait till you are ready to talk to me. I long to hear ur voice again. To feel your hugs. Even if we are not able to be a couple, I would wish us to remain a friendship.

Slightly disappointed

The whole family went on a vacation to Maxwell Hill in Taiping except me. Father only informed me on Friday, a day before the trip. They are going with a few other families. Their children are about my brother's age so I did not join because I will feel left out. I already know that because I had experienced it last year when we went to Taman Negara. It is fun to hang out with them but I am the odd one. The one next to my age is only 15 years old at that time. I cannot possibly join the men nor the women. They are uncles and aunties. Their topic does not click with mine. Haha.

From that time onwards, my father know that I will not join them so he did not invite me to go too. Anyway, these 2 days I have been home alone. The house has never feel much more emptier than now. It is so dead. I am not really scared, its more like lonely to be in my home. I wish they will be home soon.

Luckily yesterday my boyfriend accompany me the whole day and night. We went to The Curve and walk around. Had Dragon-I for dinner. Then walk around the flea market. I love it! I had spend almost RM 100 there. I bought a belt (RM30), 6 pairs of earrings (RM20), flower hair clips and pins (RM45) and 2 snowflake shape keychain (RM 20)-1 is for me and the other is a gift for my friend. She loves snowflakes like me. =)

See!! It is just so easy to spend money but earning it? Man..it is hard-earned money. Yeap, after stepping into the working world, I finally have a taste of the fact that money is not easily and happily earned. Yes, I am depressed about work but..I just gotta bear with it. Go with the flow. Sigh..tomorrow gotta work again. How come the weekends past by so fast?

Anyway, the main reason I am blogging now is because I am sad over the fact that I will not be celebrating New Year's Eve with my boyfriend. Last year, he went out with his friends and later that he got work to do (both of us were working as customer service so our shifts are based on 24-hr and his work time on 1 Jan 2009 is 2am-11am. Crazy right?). That was the reason why we did not spend the New Year's Eve together. But I was very hurt at that time because he got time to spend it with his friends but don't have the time to spend it with me. I did asked him before that day if he is free so we can celebrate it together. I cannot really remember the reason he gave. I think it was he gotta work. Imagine how hurt I was when I found out later he will be going out with his friends on that night. It is like he is TOO busy for me but for friends, he is FREE. Sigh. Not only hurt, I feel disappointment too. It is our FIRST New Year's Eve. How can he do that to me?

Well, later that we argued over this and he blamed me for not being understanding. He said that I am so selfish for not allowing him to spend it with his friends. Wow~ he can 'hentam' back at me just like that. I must admit that I was obviously pissed off but what can I do? Even my father knew how upset I was. He was angry that my boyfriend choose to be with friends over me. Of course, I tried to defend him but inside my heart was breaking. Haha..I know, I am being very dramatic and over right? =p

Well, this year I thought that we can finally spend it together since we had switched jobs with normal working hours. I gotten a blow from him yesterday. Apparently he will be going to Genting Highlands with his family for few days during New Year's Eve. Sigh. I am not complaining. It is great that he is spending time with his family but I am left out again. I asked if it is OK for me to join him. He said it is not coz his uncles and aunties are the ones organizing it so there will NOT be room for me and it will be WEIRD if I join. =( He is right. So it means I am left all alone again. Last year I was alone and this year I..choose not to be.

Am I wrong to feel abandoned? First by his friends, now is by his family. I know I should not be so selfish, but should be more understanding. T-T Hopefully next year we can spend it together. But I will not get my hopes up. I have learn that the more you hope, he more disappointed you will be.

I do want to tell him my feelings towards this but knowing him, he will get the impression that I am complaining about him not spending enough time together, that he cannot live up to my expectations, that I cannot be understanding on the fact that he wants to spend time with his family, that it is just a day only so why make a big fuss out of it and blah blah blah..

Big sigh..I am feeling slightly better after letting it out all here. I am so mad coz this made me feel like I am hardly anything to him. =(

Rainy Tuesday

Everyday is also raining. I love rainy days but too bad I gotta work so no chance to enjoy it. Today is sort of OK. As usual, I kena lecture by my boss. Sigh. What is new? Anyway, the day started so-so. Not very busy. Then 12.30pm arrives. Went to have wan tan mee with colleagues. Things picked up after lunch. Gotten busy with tasks. Then in a blink of an eye, 3.30 pm came and have a meeting to attend. Boring~

By 5.30pm, I rushed over to attend an interview. I don't think it goes well but nevertheless, it does motivates me to continue looking for other job. I know I will find it. To tell the truth, I really feel like quitting now and then the whole of Dec and Jan I can get to enjoy myself and spend some quality time with myself. I want to use this time to find the old Jojo that is missing. This Jojo is always so moody, depressed and hot-tempered. Hmm..during this time I will relax at home, search for new jobs. If cannot find then I will work as part time. Or maybe..I will travel. Hmm..Going somewhere alone is not a bad idea. Let's see..where shall I go? Sabah? Sarawak?

Anyways, this girl has got to get some rest. Good nite and may tomorrow be a better day. =)

Sunday afternoon with old pals

Today I am very happy to meet up with an old pal who I have not seen for almost 2 years. May I present...Syafique Shuib! I believe the last time I saw him was dated back in July 2007? I cannot recall the exact month but it was roughly there.

Sadly to say, I lost contact with him ever since he graduated from Monash in 2007.Ocassionally we messaged each other but rarely.I dunno how but recently we started chattin through msn. It was great to have a friend to chat through during work. Espcially when you are feeling depress over the work, there is someone to talk to. I don't like my job. I sux at it, not to mention I have lose interest in doing the daily tasks. Sigh..anyways, I don't want to talk more about my work coz it weights me down. Back to the topic, Syaf always say I am busy dating and other stuff and no time to meet up so I ask him out for a Sunday lunch. At first decide to meet in 1 Utama, then changed of location to Subang Parade and finally decided to settle for Sunway Pyramid. These 3 places are fine with me. I am not the one objecting to 1 U or Parade, it was Zeck's idea. Haha.

So here it is, meeting Syaf and Zeck at 1 pm in Pyramid. I was the last to arrive (I feel embarrased for not being punctual). Deciding where to eat wasn't difficult. These trio settle for Zeck's idea of having the delicious yet satisfying meal. Me and Syaf have our maiden Popeye's meal. Woo-hoo! I always wanted to try it out because the name 'Popeye's' catches my attention. Yay! I finally got the chance to have a taste of it. Yum yum~

The food was so-so. Not as great as I thought but not too bad. I had fish burger (RM8.40 ). The price..I would say is about the same as McD but I would definitely go back for 2nd try for the 2nd time I will go for Chicken Tenders (which Syaf ordered and it looks kinda yummy). ^-^

It feels so good to see both of them, especially Syaf for it really has been ages since we last met and I do miss him. I keep in touch with Zeck occasionally that is why I only express my excitedness regarding meeting Syaf and not Zeck.=p

There are so many stories to be shared. They have an exciting live and me have a boring mundane life. As usual I am teased endlessly by these 2 charming and fun guys. I have no idea why they cannot stop picking on me? Could it be face problem or because it is their way of showing their love? Haha. No matter what the reason is, I don't mind coz it brings joy to me. It reminds me of the time when we were all in Monash. Ah....the good old days. I miss my uni years alot. Nevertheless, I would not want return back in time for I want to work and earn money. I may be unhappy all the time with my current job but that doesn't matter. I know I will find another job which I will be happy to work in. However, I hope Syaf will intro me into the company he is working in for his work sounds very interesting and it is for a good cause. I support 1 Malaysia and I don't agree it is a political propoganda. It is an propoganda, just not politically to me. I do wish Malaysians can be united and let go of racial criticism. It is not an easy goal to achieve but it will happen. =) I have faith it will..just that it might be during my children's time. Haha.

Yikes! It is already 11.30 pm. I gotta hit the sack. I need all the rest I can get. Sigh..here's a depressing thought- Tomorrow I gotta work again. Drive to the office. See my boss. Look at the piles of workload. =(

The things girls do when they are in love

I came across this in Facebook and as I read it,I met all the criterias. Oh my goodness, I am so desperate. Haha. I cannot tahan myself. I must put a stop to this. =P

10 things a girl(some girls..most girls) would do & feel when she misses her bf:


1. checks her phone every few minutes....felt like it vibrated...but actually it didn't.or it was someone else...

2. waits for him to appear online...

3. checks her facebook if he had commented on anything or had mentioned that he misses her too...

4. stays up late night eating chocolates...not being able to sleep...tries to find a stupid game toplay online to take her mind of him...but it never works!

5. gets hurt when she tries to make time for him but he's always busy like the president..

6. keeps flipping through the old photos taken together with him..or his photos alone...(including those taken with other girls and feeling so jealous and irritated)

7. thinks of him whenever she listens to a love song...

8. makes plans to meet up with him whenever possible...even if it's for a few minutes...

9. talks about him all the time and irritates her siblings and friends...

10. starts planning for his next birthday which is 8 months away...

But of course I never wait for him to appear online coz he is not into msn. I gave that up long ago. Although in the past i used to wait for him to appear. How silly of me. Haha.

Hot

I am feeling so hot now. Goodness, the heat is killing me. Sigh. Tomorrow is Monday and I am so dreading to go through the jam and drive to work. Sigh. I am having Monday blues on a Sunday afternoon. I guess it is also because I have nothing to do. Wish i can go somewhere, walk around or yum cha with my friends. Its almost 5pm and what am i gonna do. Cannot meet up with bf coz he is hanging out with his friends, my family are lazying around the house- brothers playing games and parents watching series which I am so not interested. Friends are busy with their life.

I feel so pathetic. Must be the heat. So hot..It is really affecting my mood. I get very frustrated when I am hot. My temper an just rise up just lidat.

My Friday Night

Its already past midnight and I am dead tired. I dunno whats wrong with me. In the past, i can stay up till 3 or 4 am and it will not be a problem for me. But since I start my current job, I found myself startin to get tired at odd hours which is about 9 stg or 10 pm. You might say 10 pm is odd?? Hey, compare to 3-4am, of coz it is odd for me. I won't call my job exactly stressful but why the tiredness? Hmm...another reason to explain this is that I am getting OLD. Sigh..reality really hurts sometimes. Especially when it struck through your heart.

My previous post was about what I want to do for today and since today (Friday) had happened, I would like to jot it down to save the memories. Today is quite a good day. Work is alright. After work, have to drive back home through the jam, additional to this 'enjoyable' past time is the rain. Jam + rain = DOUBLE STRESS.

Driving halfway then it start pouring heavily with lightning & thunder. It gets abit depressing but as I was reaching my destination, I start to feel slightly better. Of course, meeting up with my dear cheers me up a lot. Both of us have a stressful week & its FINALLY Friday. Weekend = 2 days off is here. At first I want to drive to The Curve coz I want to eat the choc cake in Ikea. I think its call Daim cake. Furthermore, I don't usually go there so it will be nice to have a change of environment. Looking at the massive jam & heavy rain, I change my route. Decide to head to Pyramid. Although I must admit that I am kinda bored of that place. But, whatever you need is there and it is so convenient. So, we wanted to watch a movie. Our chosen film was Fast & Furious 4 but then, when we reach there. Fuyoh...FULL HOUSE man. By the time we reach our turn, only front seats available. Paying RM 11 for seats which you don't like & painful to the neck and eyes is not acceptable on my part. Hence, we chose to watch "Confessions of a Shopaholic'.

I read the book a long time ago and surprisingly the movie is nice. Of course it didn't exactly follow the flow of the book (which movie does?) but the lead actress - Isla Fisher, she is gorgeous. I adore her. She is so full of life and in my humble opinion which you are free to disagree with me, I think she sparkles in the film. She is perfect as Rebecca Bloomwood. Hugh Dancy ( the male lead) is a hunk. I have almost thought so but could it be possible that he is even more handsome looking in this film? My answer is yes. 2 striking couples on screen is worth my RM 11. haha. Of course I am not so shallow just to enjoy the movie because the actors and actresses are beautiful but it is a bonus. *winks* Storyline not bad. Funny. Interesting. A feel good movie. Long time I didn't watch something so nice. I mean for a romantic comedy. The last one which brought me this feeling was "Music & Lyrics'. I thought it won't be good but it surpass my expectation. But too bad we missed the opening of the movie. I was 10 mins late and who would have guess they actually screen it on time. Sigh. Nevermind, I shall buy the DVD.

Anyways, its 1 am & I gotta hit the sack.

Cheerio.

Finally its Friday

As per title, Friday is coming! Hooray for me. I have been waiting for this day to come. Why? Answer is simple. I am just purely too lazy to get up early in the morning and drive my way through the massive jam to be on time for work. Yar i know, everyone is facing that and why am i making a big fuss over it. As i have said earlier in previous post, its my blog & i shall express whatever I like.

You may think since I am so looking forward to Friday that maybe there are plans awaiting me. Nope, I still don't have a clue how I want to spend my Friday. But of course I would like to spend it with my sweetheart. But what can we do? My to-do-list is full but I cannot execute it out. It is a lil unworkable at this moment. First of all, I want to travel. I thought about it today and feel like going to a beach with my darling. Bali sounds wonderful but its a lil pricey. However, i received good reviews about it from friends who'd been there. Well, if Bali is too expensive, there is always Pulau Perhentian. My family went there last year & they say it is beautiful. Aww..wish I was there. Too bad i had to work at that time. Sigh. Nevermind, I definitely will have the chance. I will have to pull my darling with me. Duno if he is willing to go with me onot. Yes, I can always go with my gang of friends but I want to have a romantic getaway with him. I miss him so much. Lately because of work and stress, I feel like..how should I put in words...we are always unhappy & can't seem to cheer each other up. Hopefully a trip will pull us closer again. Not that we are not close before that.

Back to my main topic. Friday nite.Hmm...most might suggest an evening with sweetheart, chilling out with the girls on a girls nite out, clubbing ( dancing, drinking & checking out ppl), or even just rest at home. What I plan to do is drive up to Genting Highland and enjoy the nite breeze over there. Strolling around with my darling in the quiet nite sounds so welcoming but of course thsi will not happen. It will but NOT tomorrow. Another day perhaps. Reason is because this needs some planning.

Its 10 pm and I should head to bed. The remaining details on my list I shall update later. Final day of working for the week. YES!!! Now is another question which is typical for all girls in the world- what should I wear tomorrow?? Haha..This I shall ponder while lying on bed. Good nite and may you have a great day ahead.

Till I write again.

Adios.

1st time surfing at STARBUCKS

This is the 1st time I bring my new laptop out to public. Am i too showy? Of course NOT coz this is what everyone is doing. However, I am doing this coz NOT because I want to follow the trend. I think it is very convenient to be able to surf outside the comfort of your home. It is a Tuesday nite so not many people here at Taipan Starbucks. My initial intention of coming to this place was to accompany my dear to study for his minor test tomorrow. As you well know, things don't always turn out the way you plan it. End up after he read for about a page or two, he gave up. Maybe I am just too distracting. =p

My bf is so opposing to what I am typing here but since this is my personal blog so he has no say to what I want and feel like typing. I don't care. This is a place where I am free to express my emotions and thoughts.

He has something to say here regarding on my previous comment on him. He claims that if anyone were to read the book he is curently trying to absorb, they will sure feel the same way as him- total BOREDOM. The title of the book is "Analysis for Marketing Planning" by Lehner & Winer.

Sigh..the nite is coming to an end. Next morning have to drive to work again. Correction, more like have to drag myself to work.

Will talk again the next time.

Cheers,

excited girl using her laptop

A brand new beginning

Today is the first day of work at a new workplace. Different environment and different people. I miss my friends back in Digi and also the office. Anyway, the whole day passed by quite fast for me. My brain is bursting because information overloaded. There is still so much i need to learn and I am scared I cannot cope up with it. I know, I must be brave and independent. I must believe in myself. MUST say I CAN DO IT. =)

I am so tired. Will be heading to bed earlier tonight. Miss my boy. Don't know what he is doing now. Wish can hear his voice but my guess will be he is sleeping this very moment. If only I can see him now. It will sure brighten up my day or in this case, I should say no matter what, he brighten up my life. Goodness, I am getting so mushy here. But, this happens when you are in love. Or it could just be me being rather pathetic. Haha. I prefer the former. *winks*

I'm off to bed. Hope tomorrow is a good day.

Worrying too much

It was a beautiful Sunday morning and I cannot sleep peacefully. Maybe there is too much on my mind. I slept at 5am and automatically woke up at 8am. There is definitely something wrong with me. Alot is running in my mind till eventhough I am tired and want to sleep I can't. I can only toss and turn on my cozy bed. Sigh.

Whats on my mind is tomorrow I am starting new job and worry about it. First have to worry about parking, then what to wear, then new job and new environmentt. Not to mention the people there. The issue of 'what to wear' is really stressful. I have to buy pants!!! I only got 1 only. How pathetic is that. Yes, I can wear skirts but I don't have shoes to match it. This is causing me headache. I want to go for shopping but time don't allow me to do so. I have to first visit my grandmother, later in the afternoon my mother and then at night my father. Stressssssss~

I have to buy pants and shoes!!! SHOES!!! PANTS!!!! I dont have the time to buy. I did not want to do this last minute but there was CNY and I was still working in Digi. Headache already. Adding to that is that I only have 3 hours of sleep. Crap...
Hopefully tonight I got time to purchase 1 of the items. Oh yar, I bought 1 black pants yesterday but it needs altering. SEE!!! Addition to my things to do list. 3 things on my list and it is not easily done. Why lar the new company wants me to start work so rush. I did not even have a rest day. Yesterday was my last day in Digi as customer service consultant and then today busy day. Tomorrow start new job. Anyone will also feel stress if they were in my shoes...HELPPPPP!!!!!

Loneliness is happiness

Sigh..one good thing about having an inactive blog is that you can blurt out all your feelings without worrying others might read it. Today is another day I made my boy angry again. Maybe we are too opposites that we have a communication barrier. This is one of the hundreds fights we had. Yes, you are right. ANOTHER fight. I am coming to think that this shall be our weekly routine. How depressing. Will this ever end? Can we ever find a solution to this? Apparently the fights is always because of me. Am i so horrible? I wanted to ask but sure this will be a stupid question to him. Okay, stupid is too strong a word. Silly is more appropriate. I did not intend for our night to end like this but it just happen. I am sorta blur on how this happen! He sure react strongly to whatever I say. Whoa...tension betul.

I am so crapping right here. What to do? I need to find a source of release and writing always makes me feel better. Usually I will write all these private feelings in my diary but ever since i got my *ehem* personal laptop, I fell in love with typing. Haha. I guess this is just an excuse to use my laptop. Anyway, back to my probs. Where was I? Hmm..

Oh yar, if I tell him I am abit blur on the root cause of our argument just now, he sure will feel like killing me. But then, if I don't exactly know the cause, how can i prevent history from repeating itself? But if I do ask, he will be so pissed. Sigh..it is a dilemma. He sure will ask me to think. Crap, this is not easy. Furthermore I am not sure if my 'thinking' is in the right direction. Wanted to call him now but he sure will not pick up my call. Might as well pouring out my heart to my faithful blog.

I was right. I feel much better after typing. I just like to write when I am sad or stress. If I were to write on subjects of the world, I cannot. I ain't a good writer at all and and I am lazy to write. These are my excuses.

I so wanted to talk to you but you will not give me the chance. Saying sorry is not the solution to this. I had apologize too many times till I am ashamed to repeat that to you. Is being with me so stressful? I wanted to curtail my weaknesses but I find myself failing.

Well, thank you for allowing me to crap here. Now I can go to bed peacefully (sort of). If I were to keep all these in my heart, I will get a stroke.

May I have a great day ahead of me which is filled with laughter and happiness. =)

My first lonely sunday of 2009

I'm suppose to be working today but felt lazy so i took a day off. It feels so good not to work on a sun. But..this is a lonely Sunday. I can't sleep well, I'm all alone now and I have nothing to do. It is quite depressing actually. I thought today will be a good day but it started out badly. First, bf is ignoring me now (ouch..it hurts), family ditch me to go with their friends to visit orphanage and I am in no mood to do anything but just stare at the open window. Somehow, that only makes me feel worst. I have to do something about this..I cannot stay in my room, I can go crazy and my mood will definitely worsen.

But what can I do? Where can I go? I really want to meet someone but that someone is angry at me and will not want to meet up with me. And if he does not, I will think he don't care for me and then it will lead to dissatisfaction on my part and later it will lead to argument (starting from his side). Sigh..this is one big cycle which will never ends. Now is only 10 am and I am clueless..I should let it go but my heart don't allow me to do so for I will miss someone alot. I wish I know what can I do to make things alright again. I am just so down lately and I don't like this feeling. I have to search for the old Jasmine back. I was much happier back then. Maybe because I am always so blur. Love can be a pain..I don't know is it because our thinking is too different. We always seems to misunderstand each other. I don't know your needs and you cannot satisfy my wants. Both of us also dont know what each other requires. These can really cause conflicts . Sigh..this too leads to explosion on both parts. I tried so hard to make this work but it is difficult on my side. I have to swallow up tears and pretend everything is alright when the problem is still there between us unresolved. You are too naive to think its solved. How can it be solved if we do not talk about it? For a girl, communication is the key to everything. Bet you know about it but still..you will say all I want is talk. Ish..

I lose hope in us. If I tell you this face to face, we sure will argue again. But this is how I feel. If we are always so unhappy together, why can't you just let me go? If you really care for me, don't ignore me. If you no longer feel like you can entertain me, it is better if we both let go. Only then both of us can find happiness and peace. There is no point struggling on this if you do not take a step forward and try to change for me. I am willing to change 50 % for you but I'll also need you to change 50% for me. If not, how can we work together to create a 100%? (I'm sure you must be thinking I am talking crap now). If you find out I said all these, you'll sure be angry at me AGAIN. You don't know how much this means to me. How much I want a guy just to show he cares instead of forgetting about me. Please don't say its all in your heart, I want you to show it to me. I want that to erase my loneliness and emptiness. Its not too much to ask ..but you will never do all this for me. That's the saddest part. You will turn out to be defensive and angry...