Monday ain't so blue

Lets see..this morning I went to an agency then after that went to uncle house and have lunch with grandma. Its so nice. I love grandma's cooking-even if its just mee + char siew. hehe. It still taste awesome.

After that I finish some paperwork and the next thing I know its already 4pm. I cannot go out to other agency because it has started to rain really heavily. Its horrible to be out on the roads at a time like this. Anyway, I curi-curi had a short tea break with my colleague and I had pao, curry puff and hot cup of over-sweet milo. haha. After that I continue with my work and the time just flew by. The next thing I know its already 5.30pm. One whole day just gone like that.

I drove home and suddenly thought of asking this person out. I was contemplating shud I or shud I not and I already know most likely the person will not have dinner with me. But then..i told myself.."why not? just asking only. no big deal". So i text the person and he really did replied he cannot make it tonight coz he has too much work to do. Hmm..somehow its what I predicted. Its funny how that..eventhough I already knew the answer, but I still want to do it or ask. Its as if I want to prove that I am right, what I assume or come to believe is true.

It is month end and I assume he will have tons of stuff to do. Suddenly in my mind, I thought of buying him food as I thought that he will stay back late in office. I already call myself foolish and dun do all this sort of nonsense and most probably he will be gone from office when I reach or maybe he will not want to see me. See! Even though I already predicted the outcome, I still want to go buy 'char siew fun' and drove to his office. When I reached, I tried to call but unable to reach his mobile. Maybe the place he is in has very weak signal. I called twice but still tak jadi so I text him. The ironic thing is the message got through. He replied that he has left his office 10 mins ago. I told him I bought him food and thought of passing it to him but...no reply from that guy.

Haha..I already know this will happen in the end so why am I still so stubborn and knock my head against the wall? I thought about it on the way to Chianyee house (I already told her in the afternoon that I will visit her after finish working. She is sick and I am worry about her). I sort of came up with a conclusion...I want to do this even though I already know the answer because..I want to hurt myself..I want to test myself..I want to know my limit..I want to make myself patah hati. True enough..even though I was disappointed that my plan did not work out accordingly but..I surprised myself in some way. I thought that I would be devastated and cry because I did not get to see him and my plan turn out the exact opposite but..I felt disappointed a lil and..relieved that somehow we did not meet each other. Deep down inside, I am not ready to meet him today..I dunno what to say to him nor do I know how to act around him..I mean..if we really did get to meet up then how? Can we talk? If yes what to talk? haha..i really dunno. I guess I am still am a chicken in some ways. I am scared to face the reality. I am scared to face him. I never thought the day will come where I will not dare to face him.

He must be really tired coz of the workload and I believe that he came home late yesterday. I know its none of my business yet..I still cannot help but care. Oh ya..before I forget. Let me tell you something, I told you earlier that I called him twice right when I reach but he did not pick up right? Well..after I sent the message telling him I bought char siew fun, he did not reply. 15 mins passed by and I decided to call him to clarify. I think his phone either no battery or the place no network at all coz the call unable to get through. I called twice/thrice and use my Maxis no. to call him to but still the same. My conclusion is..he reached home already and probably already knocked out on the sofa or bed and in addition, his phone battery is dead. Let see if my conclusion is correct onot (not that it matters anyway right?).

Anyway, I quickly text him that I called him just to explain buying the rice for him does not mean anything and hope he will not misunderstood my intention. I am so afraid that he will get angry at me for calling him so many times ( 5 times i suppose. Never keep track). I kena before from him that when he turn on his phone, he received about 10 miss calls and he was damn pissed at me and scolded me. That is why this time I am scared adi so I MUST text him to explain. I dun want history to repeat itself. haha. Kena marah once is enough. Lesson learnt! But the message did not get through so my conclusion that his hp is dead is most probably 80% correct. I just hope he will not misunderstood and get annoyed/frustrated with me. Thats all I ask.

You can call me foolish for doing this (buying him food and plan to surprise him) but I dun feel so lor. You see..this incident allows me to understand more about the current me - what I am feeling and thinking. Like I mentioned earlier, in the past I will feel heartache and disappointment and probably be moody the entire night and maybe the next day too but this time..just a twinge of disappointment then..I snap myself out from it. I did not feel moody the entire night. Probably just that 3-5 minutes only. haha. Apart from that, I also know that..what are my feelings towards this...erm..what is the appropriate word to use..?..issue? Ok, lets just use issue. I am not saying I have completely let go but I am not like last time already. Its not the fact that he isn't my bf adi hence I dun get angry or sad because he did not fulfill the obligation of a bf. Its definitely not that. =) I am very pleased with myself that..I am learning to let go..that..I will not be unhappy and release my emotions on people if I did not get things my way. You see, when bad things happened, something good always come out from it. In my case, the bad thing is my efforts are wasted because I did not get to see him and passed him the food, but the good thing is..I am healing day by day. I feel better as each day passed. That..even without him, I still able to live life to the fullest. I am happy to know this. The good thing that came out of it is ...I know myself better.

Yes, of course I still miss him even at this very moment but..doesn't mean that I will continue hoping to be with him again. He saw that love is not enough to sustain a relationship..that understanding also needed and I wasn't able to give him that in the past. Hence he just pull away from me. Its not his fault..its just a clash of characters between us. I was too blinded and naive back then that is why I wasn't able to see it. But now? I see it so much clearer. Let me say this again..my dearest, I love you and probably will always love you..but I see that we are unsuitable for each other. Walking in separate roads is probably the best (yet to be 1oo% sure so we shall just let time tell us). I will always be grateful to you. It is from you I learnt so much about everything - love, friendship, relationship, family and mostly..myself. I do miss you so much. I..wish we can be friends..I will still like it very much if you are part of my life in some way.

Ok, maybe this is gettin abit emo from the looks of it but I am NOT feeling emo at all. Looking at what I wrote..I am sure when I read this again few days later, I might probably laugh at myself for being so dramatic and emotional. haha.

Alright then, its 10.30pm. Time for bed~ Wait..i think I shall enjoy a movie 1st before I hit the sack. Oh..I am so hungry now..the yummy mango yoghurt is not enough..T-T I forgotten to have my dinner so just now at 9.30 I had yoghurt and thought it will sustain my hunget but manatau..1 hr later I am even more hungry. Where is my belt? It leaves me with no choice but to 'ikat perut' with my belt. haha.

A sudden thought as I was walking myself towards the fridge to try dig for some non-fattening food, in situation like this (LCW did not answer my calls or ignore me the whole night by also not replyin my msg), I would have been angry and end up fighting with him ..but that was all in the past. Aiyor..think bec I also feel silly. Its such a small matter only. Why la I want to make into a big issue and end up both of us fight? It is so unnecessary. Well..too late. Relationship ended adi..so make sure I do not repeat this in the future (which I am very sure I will not). (^__^)

Lazy Sunday

Its already Sunday. Can u believe how time flies? It was only Thursday night and poof! Now its Sunday 4pm. Wow..I just wish time can stop sometimes so that I get to enjoy my days. I have not been writing for the past few days and there are so much to catchup. Ok, I shall 1st start with Wednesday. Hmm..Wednesday come and go in a breeze. I was kinda busy. Have to meet a client in SS2. As I was driving back to office, I passed by my ex-company, Guocera and I cannot resist the tempation to pop in and say hi to them. As I parked my car and walked towards the lift, a feeling of nostalgia washed past over me. The entire place seems familiar yet foreign to me. Lets just say its a very different feeling compare to last time as I walked towards Guocera office. Everyone seems very happy to see me. I talked to Daniel and met Aunty Cathy, Sharel and Angel. Its really good to see them. Sharel is so happy that she gave me a hug while Angel looked so surprise. haha. Everyone welcome me with a smile. It really makes me happy. I do feel alot better after seeing them. I guess its natural when u meet old frenz or colleagues.

Anyhow, after work, i yum cha with Dominic and Jason. Its really nice to chat with them. I gave some advise to Jason on where to bring his wife to over the weekends. haha. As for Dominic, poor guy. He keep on kena teased by Jason and sometimes by me. What to do? I just cannot resist it. He is so cute! Furthermore he is born on the same day and same month as me. Except different year. I look at him and sees him as my cute brother. Someone like..Desmond. hehe.

After that I drove to SS2 coz I am meeting Lay Ping again. When I reached there and drive in circles over the place, I realised there is nothing to eat. I know..its SS2 and how isit possible there is nothing to eat? Dun ask me for I have no idea either. After that Lay Ping called and she suggested we head over to Empire in Subang and makan at Chili's. I thought of the salad and my mouth waters just by having a vision of it in my mind. Sadly..because 26th May 2010 is the opening day for Chili's in Empire, the place is fully packed. We have to wait at least 30 mins for our table. LP stated its not worth it so we head to O'Briens instead. Its yummy too. My 1st try at O' Briens. Always wanted to try but somehow did not get the chance. We hang out there till 10pm then LP gotta head to Asia Cafe coz she is meetin her cousin sis there. She did ask me to join and I dun mind that. Its just that..I am already very exhausted. I wish to go home and lie on my bed. Once I got home, dad was still awake and we chat for a while. While chattin, Dad opened a bottle of this German beer and we shared. Its so cooling and when I took a swig of it..AHHHH~ it is so refreshing. Its been a long long time since I last chat with my dad. Not that I dun want to but there dun seem to be the opportunity. Sometimes, its becoz my stepmum is around thus makes me difficult to chat with him, sometimes he is already asleep when I am back home. There are times when I dun have the mood or he doesn't seem to have the mood. So..this is a good opportunity and moment for me. =D

After the chat, I still dun feel like sleeping despite feelin tired, hence I turned on my laptop and watched "The Backup Plan". I love JLo. She is so gorgeous. I love her hair and her body. I watched it halfway then I cannot stand it anymore. The minute I turn off the light, I knocked out. haha. Oh ya..Wed morning I was suppose to belanja my colleagues makan breakfast but I couldnt get out from bed and the jam was horrible. So..its postpone till...i dunno when. haha. But I definitely will belanja them. Everyone I met who knows abt my confirmation congratulate me. It seriously warms my heart. =)

Ok..now I shall move on to Thurday. Lets see..I think I drove out to meet someone..who isit ar? I cannot remember...but afternoon after lunch I recalled I drove to Puchong to an agency. When I get back to office its already 6pm..I hang out in office and chat with Pei Wen and V Ming (used to be my eye candy but now..he is just a guy..no more eye candy. haha). We chat till about 7.30pm then I drove to Jaya Palace in Menara LYL (PJ) coz I am having family dinner at 8pm. Parents reached there before I did and they were the 1st ones to be there. Poor them..my uncle only arrived at 8.40pm. I know its very late. While waiting, my dad mentioned he is hungry to my stepmum so I asked for the menu. Dad seems reluctant to eat so I just told him I am hungry (in actual fact I am not at all. I am still quite full frm my late lunch). Anyhow, we orderd "char siew siew yuk" rice. It is so little yet it cost RM 15. Can u imagine that and its the cheapest in the menu. Anyway..dad took a few bites(as I predicted). At least it cure his hunger temporarily. Poor guy. I ordered so he can take some of it. My uncle, aunty and my cousin sis only arrived at about 8.35pm if I remember correctly. I left the dinner at 9.30pm and rushed off to Tropicana City Mall to watch "Prince of Persia" with Lay Ping and Jin. OMG!! I LOVE the movie alot. Yes, there are some parts which are draggy but overall its good. I din know Jake Gyllenhaal will be so good in the film. I am so 'lum' by him. He totally melts my heart. I do want to watch the movie for the 2nd time. There are some scenes where his gaze totally shoots right through my heart and I wish I am the leading lady. haha. The movie was from 10pm-12am. I am so happy that Lay Ping got the tickets!!! Yes!!! I simply cannot say how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE the movie. heehee. Prince Dastan, will u be mine? =p

By the time I reached home, its already 1 stg am. I slept and end up woke up at 2.45am and I couldn't sleep again. I tossed and turned on my bed but to no avail, I am still wide awake. By 3.30 am, I get my butt up from bed and wash my face then head over to my ex-company, Guocera. I am to meet up with my colleagues from Guocera at 4am and had McD breakfast. Its too early so I cannot eat much. Me and Angel shared the hotcakes. kinda yummy. Later that, we drove to Kajang to meet up with a colleague then from there we head over to Broga Hill. By the time we start climbing, its already 6.10 am and it is so dark. Luckily some of my ex-colleagues brought torch light. I had so much fun hiking. I would love to do this again another time. ^_^

To cut story short, by the time I reach my home its already 1.30pm and after I bath, I had my lunch then drove to Pyramid to meet a few of my secondary school frenz. Its so difficult to find parking and this stupid man stole my parking! I got down from my car and tell him that and I tell u..he was so rude. Sheesh! Horrible person without any manners!!! Think he looks so good and thinks his car is so great! *Jasmine shows a vomit face*

I hangout with my friends from SMK Taman Petaling like Pei Yee, Hui Yin, Yen Ni and Pei Ying. Pei Ying and Yen Ni I have not seen them in years. Definitely more than 3 years. Its really good to see them again. We had our meals in Kim Gary for I have a sudden craving for French Toast! At about 8.30pm, I drove to Careen's house to pick her up and we take off to TTDI. We are to meet Eleanor, Eunice and Aron at Bamboo 9 in TTDI Plaza. The occasion is to celebrate Eleanor's birthday. I was so tired. But if Eleanor is happy then I am ok. I appreciate Aron and Eunice for coming. Thank goodness for them. If not the gathering tak jadi. Careen cabut off at about 11pm coz she is meeting another friend. But..i know she came because of me. I love you guys. =)

When I reach home, its already almost 3am. Wow~ can u believe that I have not slept in 24 hours time? Seriously..I was gonna collapse adi. I thought that I will sleep the whole mornin and afternoon away as I was so dead tired. In the end, I only slept for 9 hrs and I couldn't continue sleeping already. That is so sad because I still feel tired and want to rest. I had my fav breakfast which is cereal + fresh milk. Then watch some TVB series then Chianyee text me if I can accompany her to cut short her hair. Well..I already guess why she wants to do that. But...sigh..it hurts me to see her sad. Anyway, I am suppose to pick up my friend Lay Sim from her house at 5.30pm because we will be attending Navina's engagement party at her house in Kota Kemuning. When me and Chianyee reached the saloon, its already 4pm. After everythin settled its already near to 6pm. I did text Lay Sim that I will pick her up at a later time at about 6.30pm. When I drop CY off at her house, I ask her if she is ok..if she knows what she wants because its time to stop being miserable. Its been too long and she need to put a fullstop on it. I told her that no matter what I will stand by her side supporting her but she needs to know what she really wants and make herself happy. Suddenly she hug me and she sobbed her heart out. Sigh..I also cried because it really pains me to see her like this and..I understand her feeling..I was in that shoes too. You will feel like the world has lost its colour and meaning..that u just dunno how to move on..I told her lor that...time will really cure all heartache. I still miss LCW and still love him but..life has got to move on. I cannot hold on to the past because I will be stuck in the same place while he move on. I was very honest with her and hope I did not hurt her feelings but I gotta be frank with her. All along I have been sugar coating my words towards this love issue of hers and I just dun wan to continue that anymore. By the way, did I mention I had body ache all over? haha.

I was so late and thank goodness Lay Sim was not angry at me for being super late. Dad lectured me about punctuality. Oops! When we drove to Navina house, its already 7pm. Yikes! And the ceremony is startin at that particular time!!! Luckily..when we reach it just got started so the both of us did not miss much. Seeing her in a saree looking so beautiful and serene makes me feel...nostalgic. I have known her since I was 14 years old and now..she is getting married. Seeing her so happy makes me happy too. After the party, me and Lay Sim stayed back and helped her get out from the saree and the ornaments from head to toe. Later, we lie on the bed and chit chat till 1 stg in the morning. Its so good to catchup with the both of them.

Its been a year since I last saw Lay Sim coz she is studying in Auzzie and she is back in M'sia for 2 weeks only and then she will be flying off again. So fast..You know, I made a friend in the party. He is a friend of Shashi (Navina's fiance) and he is also single. When Navina found out, she keep on telling him that I am SINGLE. She urged him to exchange contact numbers with me. OMG!!! I was so shy..I mean..I am not desperate to know the guy even though he is a good catch I suppose.. a lawyer who has his own firm and drove a fancy car. But the thing is..I am not ready for love now. I am still healing from my past love and also, I am NOT desperate ok!! haha. Navina just wants me to be happy so she will try to matchmake me whenever she can. So sweet and kind. haha. I wanted to tell her that I can take care of myself but..I dun want to hurt her feelings by saying that. =)

Ok, we shall proceed to Sunday. Yay yay. After finished with Sunday, I can go to bed so I shall try to make this quick. This morning..I woke up at 10am and I drove to Pyramid (yes, again). Why? Coz i want to be there before the crowd invade the whole place. I already had a horrible experience finding parking on Friday and I have no intention of repeating the same old scenario. Its too irritating and frustrating. I went there to walk around and also, for the 1st time, I tried waxing. Just my legs only but the sales girl there continuosly persuading me to try brazillian wax. Nuh-uh! No way man..at least not now. haha. The experience was short and brief. Its not really painful (coz its only on the legs) but..feels abit shy and weird. haha. Its a nice experience I would say. heehee.

Later that, I went back home and had my bruch. Yup, cereal again. Then i went to HANDWASH my clothes (imagine the 1-week pile!) and later that wash and vacuum my car. I feel so much better after I had done the chores. While waiting for my clothes to dry, I watched DVD. Oh yar, today I was suppose to meet up with someone but end up that person got things to do so postponed to next week. This person already has a bad experience with me. He thought that I would be mad and sort of scold him for delaying the meet up. haha. Thinking back, I do will feel that but now..I dun. Of coz I will feel disappointed or abit unhappy but..there must be a reason why ur friend postpone ur meetup or unable to make it. I guess..u can say I have learn to be more understanding than I was. Bravo Jas. Keep it up. Like I said in previous post, everyday is a learning process for me. ^__^

Since I am free for the entire afternoon and evening, I decide to visit my granny. My cute baby cousins are there and they are so CUTE!!! Love them to bits!! I had a wonderful time playing with them. The sight of them never fails to bring a smile to my face. Ok..this is how my days has been. I am sure you will be thinking eventful right? I have no idea why. Its not like I have lots of frenz..but somehow I am alwaz so busy. See..how to fit my bf in? haha. Well..I will only figure that out when I have one. Now..all I want to do is go to my bed and relax. haha.

Monday, here I come!!!

Last Tuesday of the Month

This morning started ain't so good. I had nightmares again. This time..someone/something suddenly turn into an ape and it start to attack this girl (I am viewing the whole scenario as a 3rd party but then..whatever the girl is feeling I felt it too). The girl ran and ran and I feel so 'gan jeong' for her too!!! I am so scared the ape will catch her. Suddenly..she just cannot run anymore and the ape has got hold of her. Just as he was about to bite/eat the girl, suddenly a gun shot and when turn around, there was this guy who was holding the rifle and aiming at the ape. When the ape fell on the ground, I just jolt awake. Man..this is so drama!!! How am I to sleep peacefully if I have dreams like this?

That is why when I was awake, I dun feel good inside out. A depressed and weary feeling washed over me. I feel so..energy-less (is there even such a word?). Anyway..driving to work is quite smooth today. If only traffic was like today all the time.

Morning and afternoon was busy. I had to do a report on Harian Metro, Kosmo, Berita Minggu, Mingguan Harian and Sinar Berita or stg lidat. Wow~ Spend the entire morning and afternoon doing that. Its for the agency meeting which was held at 4.30 pm.

While I was doing the research, an ex-colleague from Guocera , Wee sms me and ask me for lunch. I suggested tomorrow as I was busy with the research. She said tmr cannot so we met up for lunch on today instead. Its a lucky thing we did coz I felt so much better after seeing her and Swee Khim. I had 'lui cha' in Chow Yang. How i miss the place. I always have mamak food till I am quite tired of it already. We did not chat much but still managed to catch up abit. Its really good to see them. Both of them compliment me that I look prettier and happier, thus leaving Guocera is a wise choice. Haha. They are being too kind. These 2 ppl are 2 of my fav ppl in the company who are always there to advise and encourage me. =)

After lunch, me head back to the library and continue to do the research. My goodness, I did not know it will take so much of my time. Anyways, meeting come and go and guess what. I received my CONFIRMATION LETTER today!!!! Yay!!! I am so happy!!!! ^__^ I am officially a permanent staff!!! haha. Somemore the bosses are really nice and said such sweet things. Aww~ I can apply and plan my leave!!

I was thinking of heading back home and spend some personal time alone in my room with my range of DVDs and just...relax. But during the meeting, Lay Ping messaged me asking me if we wanna do dinner? Before this she told me she is meeting an old friend so I was surprised when she texted me this question. End up, a last minute plan was formed between us. After much thought and discussion, we finally end up at SS2 Murnis. At 1st I want to have stg healthy and non oily coz I am feeling so fat (and indeed I am getting fatter). Manatau my mind suddenly pop the image of Roti Hawaii and I was like.."I want to eat that!!". When I reached the restaurant, I saw naan and I suddenly craved for cheese naan. Gone case la..My diet is completely off the track!! I ordered this ice blended honeydew + cheese naan and Lay Ping ordered Mee Raja and Roti Hawaii (which we shared but I think I ate a bigger portion. =p). Its so delicious. Yummy~

After that, because of the restaurant being too over-crowded, we head over to Starbucks and sat there chattin from 8.15pm till 11.45pm. Impressive right? Lots of good laughs and heart-to-heart talk involved. Its really one of those great nights that leave u feeling good when you say goodbye to each other. =)

Ok, its already 1.25am and I need to sleep coz I have to wake up earlier and reach office by 8.30am. Why? Coz I promise to belanja my colleagues breakfast as I am confirmed! hehe.

Good night!

Beating the Monday Blue by wearing BLUE

Monday has come and almost gone for me. Today was ...sort of a nice day but towards the end of the day, something happened at work which saddens me. I screwed up. Not really big but still big in my opinion. That I shall talk about it later. Now I dun have the mood to talk about it. Or at least..I am quite lazy to type it out. Kinda a long story.

The whole day past by quite fast. After work, I went to meet up with Jin and Lay Ping in 1 Utama. I had loads of fun chattin with them =) I am feelin much happier just by walking around the mall and also meeting them.

As I was driving away from 1 Utama parking lot, I pass by the new wing's entrance. It brings back memories where lcw picked me and Chianyee up from there after we return from our Genting trip and he drove Chianyee back home. He was so sweet. Before that we had an argument/misunderstanding. Sigh..everything was so sweet back then. I dun wan to elaborate. I just want to write out this point so that when I read back this diary of mine, it will reminded me of this beautiful memory and..I want to always remember it. Eventhough things has ended between us but what we had is undeniably special to me. .

Alright now, I am really exhausted as usual. Tmr nite I shall return home earlier and write more. good nite!! Please forgive my post for being so short and stiff. I know what I am writing is like..writing in point forms. haha

Weekend is over~

Its Sunday night and its near to 12 am. My weekend is over...so fast. I wish a day has more hours.

This morning when I wake up, its already 10 stg. Yeap..I had another weird dream. I shall just ignore it. When will I ever have a peaceful nite's sleep? When I found inner peace within me? haha. At about 11am, me pick Chianyee up and we went to 天后宫 (Tian Hou Temple). I got lost abit but luckily in the end found our way. I really should familiarise myself with KL roads. At 1 stg pm, both of us reached home. Its time to do my laundry. I have no choice but to handwash my 1-weeks's clothes and its kinda time consuming. Wish I have a washing machine. By the time I finish washing and hanging the clothes out to dry, its already 2.15pm. I am so late for I have to be at Istana Budaya by 3pm to watch "West Side Strory Broadway Musical". I reached that place at 3.10pm..=( I got lost while driving there and let me tell you, I drove like a mad woman on the road.

The musical was ok. At some parts I find it boring. I know the story is similiar to Romeo and Juliet so..I already expect a tragic ending. I went to watch it alone. Why no partner to watch with u ask me? Because I only have 1 free ticket and I dun mind watching it alone. =) Its nothing to be sad about.

After the show, which ends about 5.30pm, I drove over to mum' house and yup, I got lost again. Pass by so many tolls. Sigh..spend so much money on toll today. I really no eyes to see. I dun even dare to calculate how much I already spent on toll the entire day. Definitely more than RM 10. Sigh.

Due to the fact that I was rushing here and there and not forgetting the HEAT, I had a headache when I reached Istana Budaya and it did not go away untill this moment. I am going to sleep it off. Tomorrow is Monday and the beginning of another week. =)

Me shall watched "Backup Plan". J Lo looks gorgeous in it.

Good nite!

A day well spent

I have no idea why everytime I reach home, it is already way past 12 am and I will be freaking tired and sleepy.

Yes, this sentence is so repetitive. Anyways, this morning I met up with an ex-Digi collegue and its so nice to catch up with her. She is such a sweet and nice girl. She also already left Digi and now working in a bank. Sadly to know that the boss in that branch wasn't treating her well. Always bully her. Kesian betul.

We had late lunch in Chili Pan Mee at about 3 stg pm. Sigh..when I walk into the shop, it reminded me of someone. This 'someone' loves chilli pan mee alot. I wonder if he still visit that shop?

By the time we part, its almost 4pm and I decide to drop by to see Chianyee. Long time did not catch up with her. Went into her room I straightaway lie on her bed. I was just so tired. While chatting with her, I nearly fell asleep. Today was one of those good days for her. Why I said this? Its because..the not so good days were me talking alot and she being moody and unresponsive, while the good days are like today, she is talkative. hehe. Well, I was so sleepy till I nearly fell asleep at some point while she was talking about something. haha. Of course she scold me. =p Then she said she is hungry and was so busy with work till she forgotten to take her lunch. Since she already said that, I have to take her out to eat because..I will feel bad and guilty if I don't. She wants to eat something cheesy and the only place which is near to us is Pizza Uno. Yes, I also have to drive her to the restaurant to eat. I love that place and the environment. I ask her if she feels paiseh that I am driving her to eat eventhough the person who is hungry is her? She happily and guilt-freely replied "No" with that look. LOL. Of course I dun mind driving her. Sometimes, I feel like a boyfriend towards her. What can I do? I cannot possibly reject her right?

At about 7pm I gotta rush home to prepare myself coz me am meeting Eleanor, the birthday girl Careen and Eunice in Pyramid. I am to pick up Careen and reach by 8pm. Our itinery for that night is..chillin in Opera and enjoy the pole dancing competition which is held there. Haiyor..I felt as if nothing to see! Some girls who did the dance..my goodness..so stiff and langsung unattractive to watch. I dun mean their physical appearance but their performance itself. Opera was so boring!!! The music there is kinda lousy. Really lor, next time I will not feel like going there again.

At about 10 mins to 11pm, we decide to ciao because the 4 of us couldn't stand the boredomness that is emanating from the so called club. We proceed to Wong Kok and I stole away to Starbucks without Careen realising it. I want to buy a slice of cake to surprise her. ^__^ Manatau, while I was walking towards my destination, I was lookin at the phone and did not see where I am walking and next thing I know "BAM!". I knocked into the figurine. Its the Sunway Lagoon mascot- a blue penguin. My "Oww!" was so loud till I certainly gotten the attention of the customers in Starbucks and also people who are walking around me. It is so embarassing. I should be used to it by now as I am always doing embarassing stuff but still, I cannot help but feel a LIL malu at times like this. However, I chose to ignore. =P I bought this Chocolate Caramel cake for her. She loves it and I am happy to see her happy. =D We chit chat till 12am then ciao coz I was too tired and Careen's bf also nearly there to pick her up.

After a hot bath, I felt so much comfortable. I want to watch movie..should I or should I just hit the sack? Hmm...

Weekend is here!

I just love Fridays and furthermore, its dress down day for me in my office so means I can wear jeans to work. I love it!! If only I can wear my sport shoes then it will be even better. ^__^

This morning I was really sleepy. I had a weird dream again..While driving to work, I nearly fell asleep a couple of times. I know its really dangerous but I feel like a zombie. I cannot seem to keep myself awake. I have no idea what did I do till I was so tired to this extent. Maybe because every night have to spend at least 30 mins to type out my thoughts thus caused me to sleep later than usual. Seriously, this whole week my maximun sleepin hrs is less than 6 hours. This is crazy. The time just past by without me realising it.

Lets see..today was an okay day for me. Boss not around. heehee. After work have yum cha session with few of my colleagues. There is about 8 of us (including me). Quite a big group I would say. Our topic ranged from work related stuff to homosexuality and then transvestite, ending with raid in clubs. haha. Interesting betul!!

After the yum cha session (which ended about 8.15pm), I rushed back to Taipan Old Town to meet Charissa, Siew Kean and Suchen. V Ming and Pei Wen got ajak me to go to Opera because they will be meeting up Angela tonight but..by the time the 2nd round of yum cha ends, its about 11 stg and I am too tired to go to drink in Opera.

I reached home about 12 stg and I am so dead tired. I cannot even see clearly. Even as I am typing now, I cannot really focus on the screen and the words look blurry to me. Somemore I have to fetch Suchen back home just now (I dun mind at all coz helpin a friend mar) and she seems worry about me coz I am so blur. haha.

Lets see..what is the thought that has been going through my head?Hmm...I did thought of him but I remind myself that there is nothing to hope for so there is no point to think about him. I thought about chemistry and passion between 2 people. Will I ever find it again?

Ok, my brain is quite dead now. Cannot bring it to function. I shall be off to dreamland!!! =)

A much better day

As usual, I am so tired while I am typing this. Its quite sad that everytime I am writing my blog, I will definitely be dead tired. Don't care. I am gonna write untill 12 am and then I am gonna hit the sack no matter what. I really need to get some rest.

Ok, let me start about my day. This morning when I get my butt up from bed, my heart don't feel that heavy as compared to yesterday(wednesday). I will not say I am happy but not it was not aching either. I just feel..kinda hollow at some point. The jam today was quite terrible! It took me almost an hour to get to my office. Sheesh. Throughout the journey, I felt as if something is not right and yes, the 'not right' is because I am missing the feel and presence of my favourite travelling companion, the small bear. Just now while I was driving back home from Tropicana City Mall, I also miss the bear. You know la..its very dark and I am alone. It will be comforting if I got the bear to hold on to. I am now contemplating should I take the bear out from my closet and place the bear in my car. Somemore I was saying lets try it for a week without bear, I cannot even last 2 days. haha.

If you ask me did I think of him, I will be lying if I say no. There will be a couple of times the image of him or our memories passed through my mind. =) Of course I still care for him and love him but I have finally accepted the fact that even though we might still love each other, doesn't mean that we can share a life together. Maybe as friends but not as a couple. He saw it while I did not. But, its never too late.

If I thought that I have learn 2 days ago after the cold and harsh call I received from him (I will never forget the words he uttered from his mouth - "Will you just stop it!!" Ouch~that hurts), I am wrong because everyday I am discovering new viewpoints, new understanding. I am learning each day and I am happy about it. I dun like the fact that I was dwelling in misery. Today I see things much clearer compare to 2 days ago. Lee Chern Wah is a great guy. He is wonderful just the way he is. It is not his fault that he cannot open up his heart again to me and want to be with me in future. I do admit alot is my fault because of my character, behaviour and understanding of things. Sadly, I see that I pushed him alot. I always pushed him to the limits till he lose control. I should be patient and give him space and time. Let the truth reveal itself to me in time. One of my flaw (which also caused the end of the relationship) is my impatience. I cannot wait and everything also want to know so I push and force till I get he info or anything I want. Yes, I am damn selfish. I see it so much clearer now. Its sad that I did not see that before, if not me and him might still be together. However, its all in the past already. He saw that we are indeed incompatible at all thus he decided to end it. One must step away when he/she sees that things are not working out at all in a relationship. I was too controlled by my emotions while he is more rational in this sense. In some way, I am glad that he chose to walk away. If he did not, both of us will still be suffering and most likely in misery. Once you step back, the view is much wider and clearer. Just like..if me and him still together, I will not understand and go through all this. I will not learn and probably continue hurting people who cares about me or I might be causing pain to others without even realising it.

I know I still have many flaws but I will discover it one by one. Its just a matter of time. All these experiences makes life more interesting. We are humans thus make mistakes and learn from them so we can be avoid the same mistake from occuring in future.

Now I wonder..why didn't I realize all this while I was with him? Why was I so selfish and force him? Why can't I just leave him alone? Why do I want to hurt and irritate him that much? haha...i know why..I couldn't see nor understand all these back then. I was much more childish and naive than I am now. I wasn't a fool..I was just..inexperience about life and human behaviour. I know that there is so much more to learn about life, me and human & I am so looking forward where the path will lead me to. =) LCW is just a stepping stone. The beginning of my journey.

Its funny how I look at things differently compare to Tuesday or even past few weeks. Each day I am achieving the so called inner growth. =)

That poor guy. He has been going through alot like family responsibilities relies on his shoulder, his stressful work and probably his friends. All of these are really heavy on his shoulders till..he cannot breath. To be frank, I am still worry and concern about him. I dunno if he is ok with his work or his family. I wish I can show him my concern but..whats the point? Who am I to even care about him? I will believe that he is a big boy and know how to release his stress. Wish he can be much happier now that I am not there to haunt his life. hahaha.

After what I did to him, he probably hates me now. Even if dun hate at least find me damn annoying and irritating. Could be also that he has truly given up hope/faith/any feelings he had on me. I deserve that i guess. Ok la..enough about him and all this emo stuff. I recently only found out that his ex (Agnes) checks my FB, my blogs and whatever social network I am on, she will check on it. She even calls herself a stalker. haha. This post she will definitely read it. I dunno how to react about that. If she is so free to check on me, so be it. =) But i sure will not stalk on her coz I have more important and fun stuff to do than check on people's site or whatever not. Maybe I used to do that to my crush or LCW but those days are done. Of course I will have the urge to check on his FB page but if I know what he is doing, then..? What can I do? Who am I to even bother? The answer is no one. If I check on his page and I found out he fell for some girl, I dunno if I can take it onot. So, as much as I would like to know, I dun dare to bring myself to see his page. I am scared. I am afraid that I will come across some things which will hurt me again. I need to protect this heart of mine. Its been hurt so many times and I dun wan to get the wound open up again just when it is startin to heal. Yeah..I am so drama right now. =p But its the truth la.

Wow..12.15am adi. Ok, i really have to stop writing. But before I end this, let me say that tonight it was awesome. I had a wonderful time chillin with my pal Lay Ping and also get to watch Shrek Forever After. The final installment in the Shrek series. Its nice and funny and worth the watch. If I am not mistaken, I believe I watched Shrek 3 with LCW. Was it in July? After the PD trip? Nevermind, its not important anymore. True Love is the theme. Is there such thing as true love?

Alrightey then, good nite!

One door closes and another door opens

I am so tired right now that if I just close my eyes, I can fall asleep straight away. Actually I am very lazy to type down what I have done right now. Wish I can postpone to tomorrow but since I promise myself that I will write everyday, I will stick on to my promise (lets see how long can this last. haha).

This morning when I wake up, I feel heavy hearted. I just feel like a zombie. No mood for anything. Then when I drove to car, I miss the small bear's presence as I always placed it on my lap and hug it while I am driving. Well, I have no choice coz this is my 1st step (or isit 2nd? 3rd step? i dunno) of letting go. I must learn not to miss the bear. Lets just see 1st for a week, if after a week I still miss the bear, then I might consider putting it in my car again. Only that small bear. The rest shall still remain deep in my closet.

What I was feeling inside must be very obvious on the outside coz when I was in office this morning, a colleague of mine (Vaijan) ask me if I am ok because I look so sad. I told her I was ok. The morning did not past by well coz I screwed up in Galaxie magazine meeting. Sigh. Nevermind, its over and I'm done with it already. I shall learn from my mistakes.

Afternoon past by in a jiffy. After work, yum cha with this sorta new guy at work. He has the same birthdate as me. haha. But different year la. Too bad. It will be so cool if I can find someone who shares the same date of birth as me. heehee. Anyway, this is one nice and friendly colleague but too bad we work in different department that is why don't have the opportunity to hang out. Yum cha is always a good bonding session. He is a nice friend to talk to because we seem to have so much to chat about. You know, there are some people who are really nice yet...you cannot really talk to them because you dunno what to talk about. I like friendly and talkative people. =) Then Aron joined us and he can just straightaway talk to Aron. I was very surprised coz I thought he will be kinda shy. But no! hehe. Both of them team up to tease me. All is Aron Raj's fault. Furthermore, Aron go and tell him all those negative stuff about me which includes one of his favourite - "jojo won a chatterbox award during MUFY". haha. He will never ever let me forget about that and DEFINITELY WILL tell that to every friend I have. Seems like he is very proud that I won that award. ^__^ I am so happy that colleagues in my office are so nice and I seem to be making new friends with colleague almost each week.

Aron told me after that he likes that guy coz he is friendly. hehe. Anyway, after that I went to the office and chill with Pooi Yarn and also Aron. I dun want to continue talking in the mamak coz my boss is there having dinner and I erm...am shy la to talk there. Guess what? The 3 of us chit chat from 8pm-10pm in the office itself.

On the way home, I called Aron and the 2 of us head to Starbucks in Taipan. I had my Hazelnut Hot Choc (yummy) while Aron had the dragonfruit + kiwi juice. It is nice. Next time I will try that. At about 12am only we drove back home. Nice to chat with Aron. At the same time, we were both checking out the chicks there. haha. More like he checking out and I just kepoh and look coz I am curious at his taste of gals. There is one girl which Aron likes, a sweet bookish nerdy girl but with a nice ass. Omg..if Aron knows that I am typing all this here, he will stranggle me. haha.

Tomorrow is Thursday!! yay yay!

Slap wake to reality

You know..when I wake up from bed, i will have this heavy hearted feeling or an ache in my heart. It depends. Some days I will feel ok the moment I open but my eyes but this kind of days are rare. I feel as if something is missing in my world. I just need that something then it will be complete. Yes, I am sure everyone knows there is only one thing I need is only him.

Its already 5 months since we broke up and I still cling on to this pathetic hope that somehow, someday we will be together again. This is what I call living in denial. I do know that. I keep on saying it is dificult to forget him, it is impossible to let go of my feelings towards him and also telling everyone I am ok and I already let go. I am just giving excuses to hold on to something which is not even there anymore. I mean, who am I kidding? I can tell to the whole world that I am ok but in the end I cannot lie to myself. At first I thought of this as a way to psycho myself. I tell myself that if I keep on telling the world that I am ok, sooner or later I will believe in it and truly be ok. Goodness..I am only fooling myself here.

Today I purposely call him countless times just to irritate him and he gotten mad. He did not say it but I know he is trying to tell me that I am freaking irritating. He was very annoyed and he called me to scold me. In the end he did ask me to stop doing this, I asked 'why?' and he hung up the call on me. I was a fool to even ask why. I already know the answer. I just got to stop contacting him. I send a text mesage asking if he is avoiding me. He scolded me that " What kind of sms are you sending to me. Do you know the meaning of BUSY onot? Dun you know that I am very busy? This is the reason why I break up with you. It was a wise choice and I have no regrets. You will never learn and you will never change. I already have problems at work and now you are sending me all this crap. Can you stop doing all that?".

I was having dinner with Lay Ping at 1 Utama's Chili's when he called me. He said that I am so childish and what was it that is so important that I gotta call him. I told him I only called twice but subsequently, I suspect my phone got problem because unable to call out. No network like that. He obviously do not believe me and think of it as a ploy from my side just to irritate him. He was so pissed off. I think, its more like he IS STILL VERY pissed off.

Yes, I admit that I have done wrong in this case. LP say I did not give each other space and time to cool off. There is no point for me to continue contacting him because he already don't want to be with me. He is already taking steps to move on while I am still holding to a rope which will only get myself killed in the end. There is no denying the fact that deep from my heart, I long for us to be together again. That is why I refuse to accept the simple truth - he has gotten over u and obviously do not want to be with you any longer. This fact has been dangling right in front of my eyes screaming for my attention yet I chose to ignore it. Pretend I did not see it and continue living in my fantasy world that he will come back to me again some day. Isn't it stupid of me? I hate myself so much because I am just TOO pathetic. Even I myself also cannot stand my ownself. Big sigh. Is first love like this? First cut is the deepest?

LP say he is so kesian because I am just to needy. Too obsessed with him that I still long for his attention. Hence the calls and msgs. I just got to stop it because if I continue this, he is going to hate me. You know what, I already think he has started to hate me. Just now during the call, his voice was so frustrated, angry and harsh. I know he really cannot tahan me anymore. Apparently he got some hard time at work and there I was disturbing and annoyed the hell out of him. Yar, I do know its all my fault.

After what he said to me, I was in a dazed mode. I couldn't speak for awhile. As a very chatty person who is suddenly very quiet, obviously there was something wrong with me. LP gotten concern about it but I just cannot tell her what was wrong. After some time and sorta finished my yummy quesadilla (which i love it so much. yum yum!), I finally able to open up a little and tell her a little about my story. Before I even finish narrating, LP already start to shoot me kau kau. To cut things short, she made me see the light. She made me see how childish and selfish I am and because of my behaviour over such a small issue, I caused pain to others. She also said that I always say I love him but this is not love. Loving is not only letting go but also about wanting the other party to be happy. She said that each day I will feel like shit coz I miss that person, somehow some things will remind me of him, there will be times where I will want to call or message him, or there will be times where all I want to do is just cry and cry and cry. She said that as much as it hurts me, I will get better. 1 year perhaps. or 2 years or even longer. It all depends. Yes, I have put in my heart & soul into the relationship but things do not work out in the end. However, never regret what has happened but appreciate that it had happened. Because it helps to mould you into who you are today.

*Jasmine thinking hard at this moment*

Even though he told me he does not want to be with me anymore, I do not blame him. The fault is not on his side. Scissors comes in a pair. It is useless if it works in single. I really don't want him to hate me, I still have a tiny hope we can somehow be friends. That is why..when Lay Ping say if I continue this, it will make him feel disgusted and hate me, that is the part where I was slapped fully awake from my current in-denial land. I have been living in denial for too long and refuse to face the truth.

I tell you, I cried there and then in Chili's then went to the ladies and continue crying there. After that I cried in the shopping mall itself while LP walk me back to Chili's. It was embarassing but I just couldn't care much. I was too hurt, depressed and in pain. Yes, my heart was aching so badly till I cannot breath. I told myself that its time let go and this time, I really can do it because my heart is saying "let go my dear. U can do it. U must do it". If I still continue to hang on to false hope, I will forever be in misery.

I controlled myself after that because Aron, Maxine and Mindy has arrived. But I just don't feel so good. At about 10pm, I walk back to my car. They will be continue at The Curve Library with some cocktails but I was too tired for it. All I wanna do is to go home and..rest I guess. I also dunno what I wanna do but I just cannot move anymore. Brain has decide to block out everything and focus on 'misery'. The moment I got into my car, I cried and cried till I reach home. I cried so loud somemore. By the time I reach home, I cannot see clearly already because my eyes are swollen. Once I am in my room and after a hot comforting bath, i lay out the stuff he gave me - nohohon, big bear bear, snall bear bear, the ring and also the key chain all on the bed. As I say goodbye to all these stuff, memories flood in my head. My heart aches the most when I put the bears in a bag. I threw away the roses (which are dried now obviously) into the bin.

Now, the gifts he gave me are at the top shelf which I will not see because when I see it, it will only hurt my eyes and my heart. I am fully letting go.

Just forget it Jasmine Yeoh. Things have really come to an end and there is no turning back. Do face the reality. No matter how much I pray, he will not come back to me again. Don't be so stubborn Jas.

Monday blues

Today I was feeling moody. No mood to work at all. Everything seems to be very dull and lifeless.

Before I log in to blogspot, I got tons of stuff I wanna say but now, at this hour (11.20pm), I am feeling too tired and lazy to type out.

I am feeling dull and down today is because...well...there is only one thing lately which is causing me to be down and everyone knows what is that. Sigh..I am so sick of feeling this way. See, I myself also know and cannot stand it yet my pathetic heart just unable to let go? Why? What is so great about that guy? Why do i still care for him so? What does he have that makes me long to be with him?

Sigh..me am just purely pathetic as...ok, I dunno what comparison to use coz I sure will not call myself shit. haha. But seriously, when can I truly let go of this feeling? I am sure all my friends also cannot tahan me already.

I know I emailed him last week and told him that I will not contact him at all already. That I will be out from his life. But then, I don't seem to be able to do so. I am just so..malu case. No eyes to see me at all. I hate myself for being like this. Why can't I be firm? I already told myself to let go and yet my heart is doing it otherwise. How can I synchronize my mind with my heart?

Anyway..I stayed in office the whole day. Almost 12 hrs. Wow. By 8.30 pm, my brain already shut down so I just chat in FB. Surprisingly Chianyee is there and I chat with her and the topic revolves around Yao Sin. I know she misses him. Sigh..it saddens me to see her sad. Its been a long time since we chat like that. There were days when there are no topic between us coz either she is moody, or I am down or BOTH of us also moody and no matter what was said to us just will not masuk telinga nor will it cheer us up. See, this is what Love did to us. Life was so much simpler before love comes into the picture.

I was telling Chianyee that I was also chattin with my ex punya ex and his brother at the same time. Guess what her reply was. --> ... & =.= haha. I knew that was gonna be her respond. Anyway, it is kinda weird to chat with my ex punya ex in some way. I know my ex sure will not like it but..haih..should I still care about what he thinks? Yes? No? Anyway, apparently my ex punya brother broke up with his gf of 3 years. That was the surprise news for the day. I totally did not expect that. What is this? Is breaking up a new form a disease that is spreading everywhere? LOL.

Anyway, we chat till 9 stg then I cepat-cepat cabut balik rumah. Tried to watch the finale of the TVB series I have been watching nonstop for the past few days but the DVD got problem. Other chapters are ok except for the finale. So disappointing. T-T

Anyway, just chat with Aron and he seems to be kinda pissed off and he is refusing to talk to me. He is pissed at his colleague and I was jokin with him and I kena that anger. haha. He is the 2nd one for today. 1st person was Liwei. She is also pissed at someone. I tried to comfort her but manatau she said I take the other party's side and she is angry at me. Haiyor..these 2 people here are just so cute. Nah..I am not mad nor sad at all. I understand they are just in 1 of those moods. In the morning when they are awake, they will feel much better and forgotten all about it. =) I dun mind them scolding me or releasing their anger/disappointment/frustration at me, just as long as they feel much better after release it all out is what that matters to me. I understand how they feel so I would like to help them in any way I could.

Ok, its near to 12 am and I should get some sleep. Be ready for the meeting in the morning.

Before that, let me blurt this out. I am so tempted to call him again but I know he will not pick up my calls nor will he respond to me. He will try to treat me as cold as possible. Haih..once again, Jojo is damn pathetic wei.

Good nite!

Sunday (16th May 2010)

Sunday is here!!! Today is my pal Syafique's birthday. Somebody has turned 24 today. hehe.

This morning when I wake up, I don't have a good feeling about the day. Lets just say I feel moody and sien the entire day. Today is the day where I missed a person who I am not suppose to miss alot. Sigh..I wish to call him and talk to him but...I lack the courage to feel rejected all over again. I know that if I text him or call him, he will not reply or answer my call. It hurts but I have to accept this reality.

I know it has only been a week since we had a long chat but this entire week feels like months already. haha.

I miss him. I want him. I just wish to talk to him.

But..I must admit that this 1 week I have discovered some things about myself which I have never seen before. Each day is a learning process for me for each day I will learn something new or I will discover something. It never fails to make me in awe about life itself.

Ok, today after awake, I watch TVB drama which is exciting and interesting. Then I wash my clothes. After that have brunch and continue watching the series. Later that went to visit granny in SS2 about 5 pm. Its been 2 weeks since I last saw her and I miss her alot. Its so nice to sit down at the sofa by her side and listen to her talk. =)

Yikes!!! Thunder!!! Alright, I shall have to end here. Thunder sounds very scary....

Saturday (15th May 2010)

Okay..I am very exhausted at this moment and very lazy to type out. But since I already promise myself to write everyday in hope to cure my sleeping problem, I shall stick on to it.

This morning I set my alarm at 5.30am but I snooze it till 6am then only awake and bath. I slept for less than 5 hrs. This is madness. I reach office at 6.45am and boss came to pick me up at about 7am. We went to National Art Gallery because the Kuntum-McD Colouring Competition is held there. We gotta be there by 7 stg to help out. My god..there are more than 4000 kids registered for this event. It was crazy. First, there is the registration which is very disorganized.Wait..isit disorganized or unorganized? Hmm..Anyway, the registration drag on to an hr instead of 30 mins as planned earlier. Its so hot and I was sweaty and feeling hot! By 11am, a headache already formed in my head thanks to the heat. Secondly..there were some dissatisfaction and blaming on the colleagues side. I will not think about that.

I shall talk more about the event the next time as now my brain is almost going to a sleepin mode. Now all I want to do is just lie down on my bed and watch "Did you hear about the Morgans". I watched halfway and it is quite ok. =)

By the time I reached office, its already 3pm. Then I gotta pick up my cousin brother from SS2 and we are to attend this beer survey at Damansara Intan. I reach my own home at 5pm. Then have to bath and rush to pick Siew Kean and May Ling from their house. Man..I am so tired. Really no time for me to rest as much as I would like to take a short nap.

I got a bit pissed with Siew Kean and I gave her a piece of my mind. I am not exactly sorry about what I said but I should not have sorta throw my tantrum at her I guess. Here it goes..I was suppose to pick her up at 5.30pm. Well..I did not expect to reach home at 5pm. After bath and everything, its already 5.30pm sharp. I told her I will be coming over to pick her up at that time but before that I am to pick up May Ling. Manatau the reply I get is " O..you are late..hmm..". What is this? So I called her and she said she has asked Suchen to pick her up. I was like "What?!". I mean..c'mon..i was only late for 5-10 mins and I am sorry for that but please understand me. I told her straight that I was busy the whole morning because of work and now just because I was late for a few mins, she has decided to just ask someone else to pick her up.

I suppose I am also cranky abit because really exhausted and lack of sleep. But when we meet at Neway Subang to celebrate Seow Chin's birthday, I apologized to her and she gave me a hug. We are friends mar so should not remember all the negative stuff. But this reminds me of the time I threw tantrum to my ex and I feel very bad about it. Wish I got some way to make it up to him.

I wore this shirt to sing k and guess what? The shirt is the one which I wore it to my 1st date with him. It really brings back memories everytime I look at it.

Its nice to sing k with the gang. I had so much fun. I even screamed at the top of my lungs which is a good form of release for me. I feel so much better. =) I love all my friends so much. ^__^

If you ask me if I miss him today, got lor..I will have this urge to call him but then..I also dunno what to talk to him about. I guess I just want to hear his voice only. Ok, enough said about him. I shall continue watching my DVD and head to bed.

Good night everyone!

Friday (14th May 2010)

Yay!! Its Friday and this means casual wear at work today for me. If I can wear casual to work, i would love to wear my jeans. hehe.I mean..it will not be casual anymore if I wear dresses or skirts coz thats what I wear usually on workin days. I want my casual day to be different than the normal days. ^__^

This mornin is one of those days where I open my wardrobe and stare at it for 5 mins without able to find anything to wear. I alfready woke up later than usual and now I am wasting 10 mins of my time trying to search for something to wear. haha.

I finally chose my outfit. Jeans of coz but the top..I chose this blue spaghetti top with a lavender cardigan. When I wore this outfit, it reminded me of the day (3rd day of CNY) where I bump into my ex with his female best friend in pyramid. Lets just say this outfit does brings back memories. Is it a good thing or bad thing I dunno and I don't want to dwell on it.

Anyway, my day was ok. Morning I followed my colleague to an agency in Damansara Perdana. The staff in the agency are nice and friendly people. Then when I reach office, its time for lunch. I join Pei Wen, V Ming and Crawford to Tropicana City Mall and had Ninja Pork Burger for a meal. Its not enough for me due to the fact that I am a greedy girl. =P I walk over to Daily Fresh and ordered peanut butter + strawberry waffle as dessert. My favourite combination. Its not as yummy as the stall in SS2. One day I must go to SS2 and buy the delicious waffles again. Hope its still there. Many years has passed since I last visit that stall. Its right in front of Babyland. Not forgettin to mention that I bought Durian Egg tarts to try too and it is yummy!

After lunch, I feel so sleepy, heavy and lazy. I checked my mails then drove over to Damansara Heights to another agency to pass some magazines to her. Later me and my colleague, Genevia went to National Art Gallery (her car but I drove). We got lost and end up at KLCC, the at Concorde..haha. Called Crawford and luckily got his directions we only able to find our way. We help the circulation people and also marketing staff to pack for the Kuntum-McD colouring competition which is to be held tomorrow (15th May 2010). There are 4000 goodie bags to be packed. OMG. When we left at 7.30pm, there is another 1000 goodie bag yet to be packed. Me and Genevia have to go back to office already as we have unfinished work to attend to. Both of us dunno the roads well so another colleague guide us back. That was very kind and sweet of him.

After back in office, I am seriously tired adi because I have been driving almost the whole day. Yes, driving back to office also is me. Its a nice feeling to be the driver coz u feel in control. Yeap, I used to love to be the passenger rather than the driver but now..things have changed. Continue with my story, after back to office I check my mails and also facebook. I saw Lee Chern Wah online. I was very surprised because it is already near to 8pm. Me wonder he was in office or at home. I unable to resist the urge to send a message to him via FB. As I predicted, he did not reply me. Its nothing unusual about that. It is just what I expected. I guess you can say I know him well enough to some extent.

I click and view his page too in FB. I thought I can deal with it but..I am not strong as I lead myself to believe. I was surprised to find out that he actualy slept at 4 stg in the morning? Why? He stated he was emo-ing and missing someone. Could the person be me? Dare I to be hopeful? I have no idea. Of course I would like to know the answer but I will never ever find out. If he really misses me and wants me, he will contact me. I am trying to brush all these hopeful thoughts aside. I am not goin to force myself to let go or forget him because it ain't easy when you love someone with all of your heart. I am just going to let everything flow naturally. =)

I saw his best friend's Pei Yin's wall post. Apparently they are going to have some makan session. Well, I felt something in my chest and it is not a nice feeling. I believe I can label it as jealousy. Yar..I do admit that I am jealous she gets to hang out with him while..him not wanting to see me anymore. Sigh..I am not going to think anymore on this. In actual fact, who he wants to see is none of my business at all anymore so I should not care. Honestly..as long as he is happy, then I will be. I still care for that guy alot. I am worry about him and wish to know if he is ok. So what if its none of my problem anymore, that doesn't mean I will stop caring him. I will be damn hurt if he ever date another girl but I will keep on telling myself...his happiness is what that matters.

Ok, back to the topic. After that at about 8 stg I drove to Subang Parade to meet the gang. TGIF again. I am actually kind of bored of TGIF coz I just went there on Wednesday! Today go again and the price ain't cheap at all.

I am gonna hit the sack. As much as I would love to continue expressing out my thoughts, my brain is not fully functioning. I need to sleep now if I have to be awake at 5.30 am. Why? Gotta attend the coloring competition which I gotta be there at 7am.

Before I go..let me say..I miss you dear. I really really do. I wish I can still communicate with you but ..I know you will not respond to me. That is really sad. What we had together is memang beautiful. I dun wish that to be thrown away. All these good memories I shall forever keep in my mind. I am so happy that in your heart there is me. =) I know you still love me despite what you said. I am also very happy that you actually thought of me..

Startin a Diary

I have been having sleeping problems. Ever since my break up few months back, I have been having difficulty in sleeping. Yes, I do sleep for more than 8 hours at times but then, every night my sleep is accompanied by dreams. All sorts of dreams, could be sweet or some kind of adventure but most of the time, I had nightmares or weird dreams. The kind that left you feeling not so good the moment you are awake. There were even times while I was sleeping and dreaming this horrible dream, I told myself in my dream “I want to wake up. This must be a dream. Why isn’t the alarm clock ringing yet? Get me out from here. Wake up Jasmine!”

See! Can you imagine how terrible it is for me? Sigh..I already am very tired yet I am unable to get the rest I need. It is dreadful. I mentioned this issue to my friends over dinner last Thursday and he suggested that every night before I sleep, I am to write down my thoughts. I shall try that from now. It will be like writing a diary. Remind me of my teen days where I used to keep a diary. I have been meaning to start since last Thursday but unfortunately, every night when I return home, its already past 11pm and I will be TOO exhausted and lazy to type out my thoughts even though there is so much I want to express out.

Well, I shall start out by today.

Yesterday (12th May 2010 Wed) I was actually tired and no plans for the night. Asked my friend Lay Ping if want to hang out (lately me and her have been hanging out quite often. See her few times in a week. This is due to the fact that she is working near my office). At 1st she said she got plans then fine lor. Then I can officially go home and do whatever nonsense I want in my room. Haha. Near to 5pm (my work finish at 5.30pm), she emailed me and said her plan is cancelled and if I want to hang out with her. I told her I am tired but I can hang out with her la. Manatau that girl ar…she replied “ of coz I will be happy if we meet up but if u feel tired, I dun wan u to meet me out of obligation”. Omg..this woman is so…I dunno wat to say. I understand where she is coming from coz..I was the same as her in the past when I was in a relationship and this characteristic of mine never fails to irk my ex to the core. I do not blame him. I will feel annoyed and irritated too. haha.

Anyway..when I am already on my way back home, she called to confirm if we are meeting up and I ask her to meet at Subang Parade. She agree to it (after I persuade her I am not too tired to meet her and also eager for her companionship) and I tell you..I am thankful she called me because yesterday was one of the best nights and I enjoyed it so much. I laugh till my tummy aches and let me tell you this..it has been a long long time since I laugh to this extent. It is a glorious feeling. Made one feel released somehow.

We had salad at TGIF and the waiter who serve us is so cute!! Since I keep on commenting how nice and cute the waiter is (who also has a nice smile), Lay Ping ask me to come to TGIF again just to see him. I jokingly replied we shall visit TGIF in Subang Parade on a weekly basis. haha. This is what I like, which is to joke around or just talk crap and also able to converse serious topics with people. Lay Ping is one of the nicest people to talk to. hehe. I so love her no-nonsense attitude. I also like her diva-ness at times.

We proceed to Coffeebean after dinner to have the carrot cake which LP has been craving for. She had 2 slices of it while I have this Machiato something cake. I cannot remember the name. Its nice but not my type. Will not order it again in future. As we enjoy our yummy desserts, we had serious talk about life, me and relationships. She has said some things to me which are eye-opener to me. Its one of those talk which will get you into reflecting yourself. Me like that. ^__^

I went back home, watch the TVB series and then head to bed.

I know I told myself on Monday that I will pack all the stuff that my ex gave to me in a box and never to see it again. On Monday, I was very determined to do that but due to the fact that I got home at about 12 am that night and the following nights, I was too tired to pack up the stuff. 4 days has passed since then and I feel differently from Monday and that is..the bears and nohohon figure is a part of me. Why force myself to bury it deep in the closet when I love these toys so much? If I cannot even face the gifts and determine to bury it, it will only tell me one thing - I am living in denial. Right now, I do not think by keeping all this gifts away will make me think of him less. Its all in the mindset. So..since I love it, I shall still keep the small bear in my car (which is also my travelling companion) and the big bear who is so cuddly. =)

Today (13th May 2010), I went out with my ex-Digi colleague Sim Sim and we had dinner in Tropicana City Mall. Then I bought a few DVDs like " Have you heard about the Morgans", "Valentine's Day", "He is just not that into you", "Bounty Hunter" and "The back-up Plan". Yes, I know my selections are romantic comedies. Me feel like watching romantic films.

Ok, I shall stop here because I want to watch the dvd which I just bought. Which movie shall I pick? Hmm..tough choice.