So fast its wednesday already

Its Wednesday night and I want to watch the Spanish match...=( but my home dun have Astro. I thought of going to mamak to watch but a girl alone watching is so dangerous.

This morning I drove to Berjaya Times Square to meet the marketing manager of Papa Johns. Nice lady. I did some research on the roads in Google map but still I got lots. At least I managed to find my way although I am vy late. I mean...30 mins late for my appointment. Luckily she is ok with it. I like that lady. After that I drove back to office, and have lunch with Dominic since he say he wanna teman me. Oh ya..today I wore my new blue dress. I love it. It looks like a baby doll dress but at the same time, reminds me of the starry midnight sky. See adi also makes me happy. ^__^ Few colleagues praised me today although Vaijan comment my dresses are getting shorter or my legs are getting longer. haha. Paiseh leh..I know la that my dress is too short and its not like I have nice legs. haha. Anyway, at least I wore something which makes me feel good.

To continue my day, I went to Food Foundry to have mille crepe again. But this time I chose vanilla flavour. Really yummy. Then after the cake, I decided to have a proper meal so drove to another place and had 'chee cheong fun'. The taste so so lor. The place is at seksyen 17.

Afternoon I stayed in office and do proposals. Dunno why but the time past by so fast. The next thing I know its already 5.30pm. I drove to uncle's house in SS2 to see grandma and also to take the 'ba chang' from her. I only eat one kind of 'ba chang' and also the only ones that made by my grandma which is Nyonya Chang. Since its too rushing for me, I dun have the time to wait for granny to heat it up as I am rushing to seapark there to meet Dominic. Suddenly he is craving for nasi lemak. No doubt the nasi lemak at that place in Seapark is awesome. I told granny I will not have time for dinner but after I munched a few pieces of fried fishballs and fried tofu..I cannot resist the tempation and took a plate and filled it with rice and ikan bilis and fishballs. haha. Yummy betul. I was starving. Grandma so happy to see me eating her cooking.

After that about 6.30pm I meet up with Dominic and at that time I dun have the space in my stomach to contain the delicious nasi lemak (even though I really really want to have a plate of it. Yes, I do know that I am very greedy.=p)

We hangout till 7.45pm then I have to rush for the other round. I am meeting Angela and Emily in Pyramid. We decided on Kim Gary and guess what? I saw Angela had the Korean Noodles and I also want to have a taste of it so I ordered a bowl and I could not finish it. Waste food only. Not only that. I wasted my money too. Sigh...

Ok la..I will be heading to bed now coz I have to wake up at 6.30am. Promised granny I will there in SS2 to collect the ba chang by 7.30am.

Nite !

Tuesday then it will be Wednesday!

Yikes!! Its been so long since I last update. Ok, I shall do a quick and short one here.

Lets talk about my day. I wore this new floral printed dress with my new white cardigan and my new white heels. Feels so good. hehe. My good mood was increased thanks to the compliments received from my colleagues. All also puji me and make me feel so happy. A nice breakfast with my colleagues. Then after that I also had a fantastic lunch..a good choice. I want to eat 'lui cha' but luckily V Ming suggested to eat at Damansara Kim. I never heard of that place and now I know where. Shall visit there again another day. I had my favourite char siew fun!!! Yummy!! It taste so good!

After lunch, I feel sleepy as usual but work still gotta be done. Did some research on the net and then did cold calls to direct client. Speaking of which, tomorrow I gotta head to Papa Johns office in Berjaya Times Square at 11am! I dunno how to go to Times Square. I am such a sad case. Sheesh. I am meeting the makerting personnel for Papa Johns tomorrow. Hope everything goes well. Shall try Google maps 1st thing in the morning.

Anyways, after work about 6.30pm, went to 1 Utama with V Ming and Pei Wen. Oh my goodness. Its so freaking jam. Really trying my patience. Finally at 7.15pm I reached the destination ( V and Pei Wen left office at 5.30pm sharp so they did not face the jam). I am so relieved the moment I reach the car park of 1 Utama. We makan at Chilis and I had the salad la, fajitas and tortilla chips with Salsa. Yummy~ At the same time we also watched the football game..Slovakia vs New Zealand. Ok lor..not that exciting as the next match which is Cote d'Ivoire vs Portugal. Ronaldo is so leng cai. Last time he look so boy boy but now so bergaya adi. So man. My heart melts at the sight of him. *Jasmine sighing at the thought of that manly guy*. Now, this match is interesting lor...Cote damn aggresive wei. Portugal got skill. Not bad.

Because I watched it at Chilis so after the 1st half of the game, we have to ciao adi due to the fact that Chilis will close shop. I rushed back to Taipan and continue watching the game at mamak. I am the only girl watching alone lor..majority are guys. There was a couple there. Thats it. I feel so shy leh. Nevertheless, I need to know the results. Haha. I also dunno since when I am so into this football thingy.

Ok, its almost 1am adi. I shall head to bed and I promise I will update the rest of my days soon.

Thurday just come by like this

Wow~ So fast its Thursday already. Time really flies. Yes..I do realized that I have been mentioning this ALOT lately. Another tagline of mine is.."I am so tired". haha.

Before I start with my post, let me tell you that since last Thursday, I have take out my small bear bear and place it bec in the car (where it belong). Really lor, the bear is ever so comforting to me while I am driving. I should not be so stubborn and kept it in the cupboard just because HE gave it to me. See, now I have the bear again, I feel so much happier. heehee.

Okay, my day went by ok today. I know, I have not been updating my diary/blog lately. I shall do it over the weekend when I am more free. Now I shall just talk about my day. =)

Ok, I was busy chatting and then chat on the phone for more than 30 mins. haha. Now I am too lazy and tired to type. Maybe I shall continue it tomorrow. haha.

Nite nite!

Emo

I was feeling happy in the morning but right now..I am just feeling moody. Maybe I am tired that is why I feel like this. Am also listening to "Need you now" by Lady Antebellum. As I listen to it, I feel even more emo. Yes..while I am listening this..I will be lying if he did not cross my mind. I am suppose to meet him today but I cancelled it. Actually..I really wish to see him. I dunno what happen but right now I am thinking about him and missing him so much. Its one of those days I guess..I keep on having flashbacks. When will this stop? If I continue like this, how am I suppose to move on?

This morning I only told my cousin Ken that I am healing and feeling much better which I really did. I was not lying or faking it. But now..I am down down down. haha. "Jay Sean's "Down" as background music".=p Alright, jokes aside coz Seriousness is coming through. haha. I have no idea why I am being so lame now.

Back to the topic of the hour, the song is playing over and over again. Its as if I cannot get enough of it. I love the lyrics...despicting what I am feeling now (at some point).

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor

Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door

Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do withoutI just need you nowwoah woaaah.

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without I just need you now

I just need you now (wait)Ooo, baby, I need you now

My favourite part of coz is the one that is highlighted in red. =) For me, memories of you crossing my mind happens all the time. I really need you now and always..

I know I might be hurting someone if the person knows about this. I just cannot help it. Its my emotions. Even though I am really sorry buy I cannot deny what I am feeling. Sigh..

It hurts to not being with you. I miss you and..I wish to see you. To hear your voice. To..be with you..Argh!!! I should not be feeling this nor should I be thinking about this..I am so looking down upon myself..Shame on you Jasmine Yeoh. There is this guy who likes you and wants to be with you. You should give him a chance..not dwelling on the past love.

Ok, I am going crazy. I am actually speaking to myself and giving advice also. Sigh..but I really dunno..I like this guy..nice to be with and fun to talk to but..I just cannot la..I dunno how..I still want 'him' in some ways...omg!!! Jasmine Yeoh is a stupid girl for thinking like this!

Alright..this lunacy ends here. I shall meet Aron and talk to him and hope to be clear headed. I must not allow myself to hurt this new guy for he is so sweet. Honestly..the pain is still here in my heart..I have not healed from the past. What did 'you' did to me that I cannot heal untill now...Sigh..

Wednesday is gone. 2 more days till weekend. Woo-hoo!

As usual, I am very sleepy and lazy right now. I read my previous posts and found that each post has the same opening "I am tired. I am sleepy. I am lazy". haha. This is getting repetitive.

Ok, lets start. My day was pretty ok. This morning could not decide what to wear. I looked at my wardrobe and found that I have nothing to wear. Yup, its one of those days. So..I was abit late to work. Luckily I arrived before my boss did. But still..I feel paiseh. Must wake up earlier from now on. I will not allow myself to snooze my alarm. =p (as if that is possible)

Anyway, I drove to Kota Damansara to meet a client. I tell you, the journey there is even longer than our acquaintance. I saw her for less than 10 mins while the driving journey takes up about 40 mins of my time. Aiyor..Later, I had lunch with 3 of my Guocera ex-colleagues- Angel, Wee and Swee Khim. We went to makan at 6 to 10. I had Fish & chips while they have nasi lemak.

After such a heavy carbo meal, I was so sleepy and lazy when bec in the office. I felt like a zombie. I cannot concentrate on what I was doing. Somehow..the time just past by without me realizing it. Its not like I did alot of things but somehow time just past by lidat.

I was suppose to meet Navina and Lay Sim and also Nicky for dinner today in SS15. Manatau at 5pm, my colleague say she cannot attend Tai Thong's dinner (client's dinner) so I am to attend it lor. Representing The Star mar. Sheesh..I have to call and cancelled my dinner plan. T_T Its so difficult to gather everyone to have a dinner and now have to call each one to tell them its off. Sigh..what to do. Furthermore, no one to accompany me. I ask a few of my colleagues but all also busy. Luckily for this sweet colleague of mine, she is willing to accompany me coz she says I look so kesian and indeed I am. *jasmine showing her face which has a natural kesian look on it*

We left office at about 6.45pm. It was so jam!!! I know I should biasa adi but it really get on my nerves. Reached the destination which is in Subang at about 7.40pm. Crazy! But then..I got chianyee and dominic to keep me occupied abit with their messages during the journey so its abt more bearable. While stuck in the jam, suddenly it rained! Heavily somemore. Oh my goodness. Its terrible. I miss my bear bear la. My hands felt so empty. Ok, i already decided. I shall dig the small bear out from my closet and place it bec in the car to keep me company. I will be fine with it. I already think it through and realized..even if I put it there in the car, its not a sign of weakness. It doesn't mean that I still cling on to my past love. Nope..its not. =)

Lets proceed to the dinner. Let me tell you..its FANTASTIC!!! Food and environment is awesome!!! Great! The emcees and singers are superb. Its so entertaining. I want to take pictures of each of the dishes I had but I was shy. You know la..I am representing my company wor so I must act maturely. Snapping pics of food is kinda childish. Haha. But its still sad case. Guess who I bump into there? My Uncle Tony and his wife. Goodness..what a small world. Rupanya he work under TT Resources too. Both of us are surprise to see each other. haha.

During the dinner, dominic keep me entertained by messaging me. He told me he will keep me company untill the dinner ends. By 10 stg pm, I ask him to go sleep lor but he said a promise is a promise hence he will accompany me till I reach home. Thats really sweet of him and thank goodness he did sms me throughout the whole nite. If not, I would have been quite bored. I mean..food and environment is great but then hor...no one to talk to. I am now wondering..are we both flirting with each other? I dunno la..Ok, I shall not think much into this because its pointless and waste of time. I should be thinking on..how to not miss lcw at all. haha.

I was in a good mood when I reach home at about 11pm. After a hot and relaxing bath, I dunno why but I was tempted to call him (who else). And guess what..I wasnt able to resist the temptation and I called him. We chat for about 35 mins. Wow~ I was very surprised. It was he who said he is tired then only we end the call. Actually..its..sorta nice to chat with him I guess. But hor..he sound really distant and cold..I know he is tired la but then..things already changed between us so..maybe he is scared that by talkin nicely to me, I will fall for him again or I will want to be with him again. Well..honestly...he dun have to worry about that. I will not do that anymore. I just want to be friends with him. Kesian that fella. Work is always so stressful. No wonder he is unhappy la. I wonder what can ever make him happy ar? That one he himself only knows. You know what..I still feel 'sum tung' for him. Wish there is some thing that I can do to cheer him up. Who say I have to be a gf then only can cheer another person up. As a friend cannot meh? ;)

Its nice to hear his voice albeit its cold and distance and also..can feel he is unwilling to talk to me. But then hor..knowing him..if he reli dun feel like talkin to me, he wud not have picked up the call in the 1st place. =) So Jasmine Yeoh, you have to work on this bad characteristic of yours which is..u r too sensitive and you over-think things. Small matter also you can think yang bukan-bukan. Remember that this is also one of the reason that lead you to break up. Must remember ya!!

Back then, I would have felt so hurt if he spoke to me lidat or if he wants to end the call but now..lets just say..I dun anymore. I see it now that..he is really tired hence dun feel like talking. Its not because he dun wan to talk to me but because he is not in the mood for anythin now. He just want to be alone in his own world. However, he did said something which is supposed to hurt my feelings. Last Sunday, I did asked if wanna meet up on Thursday for dinner. He said not sure but he will check on it. Just now I asked this question and he mentioned he will be busy with work. I said I can wait for him and guess what he replied.. He said " I dun feel like seeing you". Whoa~ *piang piang* I kena shoot by him man..so kesian. Nevermind lor. He dun wan to meet me..its ok geh although I feel slightly disappointed. Isit coz he scared that I will show tender feelings towards him? That I will declare my undying love to him? haha..oh my gosh..then I must clarify lor. Must convince him that it will not happen. Loving him..doesnt mean that I want to be with him. Thats what he has been trying to tell me for the past few months and now I am slowly getting there. Jiayou Jasmine Yeoh! ^__^ You can do it babe!! But still hor..feel hurt leh when somebody said it to your face that he/she dun wan to see you. Haih.

So tmr I dun have any plans..then after work I will just go home and relax..good also. I can finally go home and take a rest instead of rushing here and there like mad. haha. That lcw ar..say tired and wanna sleep but still continuing online and 'kau lui'. U see ar..he can comment on Agnes punya post but he never once commented on mine. Why ar? This guy is so ....ish!!! Nah..not pissed off. Dunno what to say. LOL. So I shall not say nor shall I think also. Waste of my time and energy. I shall use the time and energy to think of something more worthwhile. *winks*

Finally, I am off to bed. Kena harass by my friend dominic there. Saying if he feels tired at work tmr it will be all my fault. As if its my fault. Its not like he is staying online to accompany me. Nite nite the world!! May the world seems better when I open my eyes. ^_^

1st of June in the year of 2010

Wow~ Half a year has gone by. Today is the start of the 2nd half of the year. Lets just say the 1st half year is ..dramatic, emotional and..I will not trade anything for it. hehe. So much has happened for the past 6 months. So much memories...and I love every part of it. Even if those incidents that happened are bad or heart-wrenching.

I am so lazy to type out my thoughts right now. I just want to lie on the bed and laze around. haha. Ok, let me do this briefly.

Hmm..lets see. I shall start with..I miss my small bear in the car. Every morning while driving to work, I miss the feel of it on my hands. Today is the same as any other day. I wish I can hug my bear. Just now while driving back home, i miss it even more because its late at night and I tend to feel vulnerable when its late at night. I will feel much more comforted if I have something to hold. I am now contemplating should I put the bear back in my car? If I put, it will be like a sign of weakness for me coz I will depend on the bear emotionally in some way. In example, now I am trying to be brave, daring and independent. If get lost already or driving in the dark, I will pull myself together and drive myself to the destination. But if I have the bear with me, I will tend to hug it and be scared and..I will not be able to toughen myself up. Do you get what I mean? Well...if you dun then I also dun wan to further explain coz I am so dead lazy right now to eleaborate further. Hmm..Should I or should I not? Part of me wants to but another part of me..dun wan to admit defeat (as in I want to be independent). Ok, this I shall think further later.

Today my day was okay. Drove to media agencies and discuss some things with them regarding on ads. Good start of the day I would say. Then when I am back to office, its already 12 stg pm. Dominic ajak me to go makan so the 4 of us (me, Dominic, Jason and this new guy Wai Loon) went to eat ban mee. I had spinach ban mee. The taste ok la but I still dun feel full. Dunno why. Must be because I did not have breakfast earlier. Apparently this ban mee shop is very famous. Its in Seapark there.

After lunch I felt super lazy. But of coz must continue working lar. I did my work and the next thing I know, its already 5.30pm. Can the time past by any faster? As I am meeting Lydia (my childhood friend of 17 years) at 7.30pm in Jaya 1, I cannot leave office sharp at 5.30pm. I told Dominic this and he teman me to yum cha. So sweet~ hehe. Of coz I happy la. Got one cute guy to accompany me wor. Sumo..he has a nice smile and he makes me laugh. A nice companion to have I would say. Anyway, I was too hungry so I had an early dinner- sweet & sour chicken. Yummy. I was really starving at that time. We chat till about 7.10pm lidat then he went back home to eat while I go upstairs to my desk to pack my stuff. When I walk into the office,Vaijan was still there at her desk. She teased me, asking me "Whats between you and Dominic? I heard that you guys were having tea session together only". haha. Oh my goodness..I clarified that its nothing. Just 2 colleagues yum cha only. I dun wan people to start spreading rumours. Just because a single guy and single girl hang out doesnt mean they are and will be together right?

Tell you another coincident thing. While waiting for Dominic and the rest to come down to office lobby during lunch time, I bump into Pooi Yarn at lobby. Then during yum cha after work, I bump into her at the restaurant. haha. Very coincident right? I miss that girl. Tomorrow she will be on leave. Thursday I only go to her desk there to kacau her. heehee. Aron is off for the whole week so I will not be seeing him the entire week. Less people to kacau this week.

Back to my story, while I was about to turn off my pc. Agnes (LCW's ex) send me an online message and we start chattin online for a short while. Unable to talk much coz I really was rushing off to Jaya 1. We talk about the weather and then she ask me how is my life. I asked her to guess and she replied that I look great and life is good for me. haha. She said I am much happier. I asked her if it is so obvious. She said yup. =) I suppose..life is indeed good for me. Everything seems so much better after I let go of my stubborness. Less emotional too I would say. =) Good for you Jasmine Yeoh!! heehee.

To continue the events of my day, while on my way to Jaya 1, it is BLOODY jam!!! OMG!!! I can kill myself adi. What to do? It was raining heavily at about 4 stg pm thus caused massive jams in all areas. Really can vomit blood. End up I only meet and chat with Lydia and her boyfriend for 30 mins then I have to ciao. I reached there about 8pm and have to leave at 8.35pm. I had Hot Chocolate Strawberry while I was with her. Taste quite nice. Hot choc in a cold day. This is what I call life~ enjoyment~ heehee

Why I have to rush off because I am going to catch a 9pm movie at Tropicana City Mall with Dominic. He has the free tickets to watch "Marmaduke". My 1st time watchin movie with him...Should I feel anything? I can just imagine what LCW will ask at this moment.."So isit very nice to watch with your leng cai? Got hold hands onot? Never? Why wor? You can go hold his hands mar". LCW is always so cute and funny!! haha.

The movie was..lame. I will not pay money to watch it nor will I spend $$ on the DVD. No way man. Its funny at some part but its more towards lameness and the plot is so predictable.

After the movie I balik rumah. Before that, I felt hungry and told that to Dominic. I hope he will not feel I am a greedy pig. =p He said he can teman me makan if I want. I did thought about it but..I am scared I will get fat! haha..but if I eat with him, then can spend more time with him lor..I was contemplating then I made a decision. Go home. If its the old me, I would have come up with many excuses just to hang out with him just like how I came up with excuses to hang out with LCW in the past back in Digi days. Those days are gone. Even though I am indeed hungry and wish to spend more time with him, I want to go home. I need my rest. Not to mentioned that I gotta spend some time blogging my thoughts which will delay my sleepin time.

Nah..he is just a friend to me. Nothing more for now. Let the time tell on how things will turn out in future. For now, I just want to enjoy my life and be happy. Let nature takes its course. Besides that, I am not ready for anything yet. Heart broken once and its still healing. My heart unable to open up to anyone at this moment. How can I when I still think of LCW most of the time? When I accept a new guy in my life, I want to make sure that in my heart, there is only him and no one else. =)

Ok, finish typing adi. Now I gonna brush my teeth and head straight to bed. Tmr is a big day for me. Gonna meet client. Lets just hope she will be interested to advertise in my magazines. Wish me luck!

Monday ain't so blue

Lets see..this morning I went to an agency then after that went to uncle house and have lunch with grandma. Its so nice. I love grandma's cooking-even if its just mee + char siew. hehe. It still taste awesome.

After that I finish some paperwork and the next thing I know its already 4pm. I cannot go out to other agency because it has started to rain really heavily. Its horrible to be out on the roads at a time like this. Anyway, I curi-curi had a short tea break with my colleague and I had pao, curry puff and hot cup of over-sweet milo. haha. After that I continue with my work and the time just flew by. The next thing I know its already 5.30pm. One whole day just gone like that.

I drove home and suddenly thought of asking this person out. I was contemplating shud I or shud I not and I already know most likely the person will not have dinner with me. But then..i told myself.."why not? just asking only. no big deal". So i text the person and he really did replied he cannot make it tonight coz he has too much work to do. Hmm..somehow its what I predicted. Its funny how that..eventhough I already knew the answer, but I still want to do it or ask. Its as if I want to prove that I am right, what I assume or come to believe is true.

It is month end and I assume he will have tons of stuff to do. Suddenly in my mind, I thought of buying him food as I thought that he will stay back late in office. I already call myself foolish and dun do all this sort of nonsense and most probably he will be gone from office when I reach or maybe he will not want to see me. See! Even though I already predicted the outcome, I still want to go buy 'char siew fun' and drove to his office. When I reached, I tried to call but unable to reach his mobile. Maybe the place he is in has very weak signal. I called twice but still tak jadi so I text him. The ironic thing is the message got through. He replied that he has left his office 10 mins ago. I told him I bought him food and thought of passing it to him but...no reply from that guy.

Haha..I already know this will happen in the end so why am I still so stubborn and knock my head against the wall? I thought about it on the way to Chianyee house (I already told her in the afternoon that I will visit her after finish working. She is sick and I am worry about her). I sort of came up with a conclusion...I want to do this even though I already know the answer because..I want to hurt myself..I want to test myself..I want to know my limit..I want to make myself patah hati. True enough..even though I was disappointed that my plan did not work out accordingly but..I surprised myself in some way. I thought that I would be devastated and cry because I did not get to see him and my plan turn out the exact opposite but..I felt disappointed a lil and..relieved that somehow we did not meet each other. Deep down inside, I am not ready to meet him today..I dunno what to say to him nor do I know how to act around him..I mean..if we really did get to meet up then how? Can we talk? If yes what to talk? haha..i really dunno. I guess I am still am a chicken in some ways. I am scared to face the reality. I am scared to face him. I never thought the day will come where I will not dare to face him.

He must be really tired coz of the workload and I believe that he came home late yesterday. I know its none of my business yet..I still cannot help but care. Oh ya..before I forget. Let me tell you something, I told you earlier that I called him twice right when I reach but he did not pick up right? Well..after I sent the message telling him I bought char siew fun, he did not reply. 15 mins passed by and I decided to call him to clarify. I think his phone either no battery or the place no network at all coz the call unable to get through. I called twice/thrice and use my Maxis no. to call him to but still the same. My conclusion is..he reached home already and probably already knocked out on the sofa or bed and in addition, his phone battery is dead. Let see if my conclusion is correct onot (not that it matters anyway right?).

Anyway, I quickly text him that I called him just to explain buying the rice for him does not mean anything and hope he will not misunderstood my intention. I am so afraid that he will get angry at me for calling him so many times ( 5 times i suppose. Never keep track). I kena before from him that when he turn on his phone, he received about 10 miss calls and he was damn pissed at me and scolded me. That is why this time I am scared adi so I MUST text him to explain. I dun want history to repeat itself. haha. Kena marah once is enough. Lesson learnt! But the message did not get through so my conclusion that his hp is dead is most probably 80% correct. I just hope he will not misunderstood and get annoyed/frustrated with me. Thats all I ask.

You can call me foolish for doing this (buying him food and plan to surprise him) but I dun feel so lor. You see..this incident allows me to understand more about the current me - what I am feeling and thinking. Like I mentioned earlier, in the past I will feel heartache and disappointment and probably be moody the entire night and maybe the next day too but this time..just a twinge of disappointment then..I snap myself out from it. I did not feel moody the entire night. Probably just that 3-5 minutes only. haha. Apart from that, I also know that..what are my feelings towards this...erm..what is the appropriate word to use..?..issue? Ok, lets just use issue. I am not saying I have completely let go but I am not like last time already. Its not the fact that he isn't my bf adi hence I dun get angry or sad because he did not fulfill the obligation of a bf. Its definitely not that. =) I am very pleased with myself that..I am learning to let go..that..I will not be unhappy and release my emotions on people if I did not get things my way. You see, when bad things happened, something good always come out from it. In my case, the bad thing is my efforts are wasted because I did not get to see him and passed him the food, but the good thing is..I am healing day by day. I feel better as each day passed. That..even without him, I still able to live life to the fullest. I am happy to know this. The good thing that came out of it is ...I know myself better.

Yes, of course I still miss him even at this very moment but..doesn't mean that I will continue hoping to be with him again. He saw that love is not enough to sustain a relationship..that understanding also needed and I wasn't able to give him that in the past. Hence he just pull away from me. Its not his fault..its just a clash of characters between us. I was too blinded and naive back then that is why I wasn't able to see it. But now? I see it so much clearer. Let me say this again..my dearest, I love you and probably will always love you..but I see that we are unsuitable for each other. Walking in separate roads is probably the best (yet to be 1oo% sure so we shall just let time tell us). I will always be grateful to you. It is from you I learnt so much about everything - love, friendship, relationship, family and mostly..myself. I do miss you so much. I..wish we can be friends..I will still like it very much if you are part of my life in some way.

Ok, maybe this is gettin abit emo from the looks of it but I am NOT feeling emo at all. Looking at what I wrote..I am sure when I read this again few days later, I might probably laugh at myself for being so dramatic and emotional. haha.

Alright then, its 10.30pm. Time for bed~ Wait..i think I shall enjoy a movie 1st before I hit the sack. Oh..I am so hungry now..the yummy mango yoghurt is not enough..T-T I forgotten to have my dinner so just now at 9.30 I had yoghurt and thought it will sustain my hunget but manatau..1 hr later I am even more hungry. Where is my belt? It leaves me with no choice but to 'ikat perut' with my belt. haha.

A sudden thought as I was walking myself towards the fridge to try dig for some non-fattening food, in situation like this (LCW did not answer my calls or ignore me the whole night by also not replyin my msg), I would have been angry and end up fighting with him ..but that was all in the past. Aiyor..think bec I also feel silly. Its such a small matter only. Why la I want to make into a big issue and end up both of us fight? It is so unnecessary. Well..too late. Relationship ended adi..so make sure I do not repeat this in the future (which I am very sure I will not). (^__^)

Lazy Sunday

Its already Sunday. Can u believe how time flies? It was only Thursday night and poof! Now its Sunday 4pm. Wow..I just wish time can stop sometimes so that I get to enjoy my days. I have not been writing for the past few days and there are so much to catchup. Ok, I shall 1st start with Wednesday. Hmm..Wednesday come and go in a breeze. I was kinda busy. Have to meet a client in SS2. As I was driving back to office, I passed by my ex-company, Guocera and I cannot resist the tempation to pop in and say hi to them. As I parked my car and walked towards the lift, a feeling of nostalgia washed past over me. The entire place seems familiar yet foreign to me. Lets just say its a very different feeling compare to last time as I walked towards Guocera office. Everyone seems very happy to see me. I talked to Daniel and met Aunty Cathy, Sharel and Angel. Its really good to see them. Sharel is so happy that she gave me a hug while Angel looked so surprise. haha. Everyone welcome me with a smile. It really makes me happy. I do feel alot better after seeing them. I guess its natural when u meet old frenz or colleagues.

Anyhow, after work, i yum cha with Dominic and Jason. Its really nice to chat with them. I gave some advise to Jason on where to bring his wife to over the weekends. haha. As for Dominic, poor guy. He keep on kena teased by Jason and sometimes by me. What to do? I just cannot resist it. He is so cute! Furthermore he is born on the same day and same month as me. Except different year. I look at him and sees him as my cute brother. Someone like..Desmond. hehe.

After that I drove to SS2 coz I am meeting Lay Ping again. When I reached there and drive in circles over the place, I realised there is nothing to eat. I know..its SS2 and how isit possible there is nothing to eat? Dun ask me for I have no idea either. After that Lay Ping called and she suggested we head over to Empire in Subang and makan at Chili's. I thought of the salad and my mouth waters just by having a vision of it in my mind. Sadly..because 26th May 2010 is the opening day for Chili's in Empire, the place is fully packed. We have to wait at least 30 mins for our table. LP stated its not worth it so we head to O'Briens instead. Its yummy too. My 1st try at O' Briens. Always wanted to try but somehow did not get the chance. We hang out there till 10pm then LP gotta head to Asia Cafe coz she is meetin her cousin sis there. She did ask me to join and I dun mind that. Its just that..I am already very exhausted. I wish to go home and lie on my bed. Once I got home, dad was still awake and we chat for a while. While chattin, Dad opened a bottle of this German beer and we shared. Its so cooling and when I took a swig of it..AHHHH~ it is so refreshing. Its been a long long time since I last chat with my dad. Not that I dun want to but there dun seem to be the opportunity. Sometimes, its becoz my stepmum is around thus makes me difficult to chat with him, sometimes he is already asleep when I am back home. There are times when I dun have the mood or he doesn't seem to have the mood. So..this is a good opportunity and moment for me. =D

After the chat, I still dun feel like sleeping despite feelin tired, hence I turned on my laptop and watched "The Backup Plan". I love JLo. She is so gorgeous. I love her hair and her body. I watched it halfway then I cannot stand it anymore. The minute I turn off the light, I knocked out. haha. Oh ya..Wed morning I was suppose to belanja my colleagues makan breakfast but I couldnt get out from bed and the jam was horrible. So..its postpone till...i dunno when. haha. But I definitely will belanja them. Everyone I met who knows abt my confirmation congratulate me. It seriously warms my heart. =)

Ok..now I shall move on to Thurday. Lets see..I think I drove out to meet someone..who isit ar? I cannot remember...but afternoon after lunch I recalled I drove to Puchong to an agency. When I get back to office its already 6pm..I hang out in office and chat with Pei Wen and V Ming (used to be my eye candy but now..he is just a guy..no more eye candy. haha). We chat till about 7.30pm then I drove to Jaya Palace in Menara LYL (PJ) coz I am having family dinner at 8pm. Parents reached there before I did and they were the 1st ones to be there. Poor them..my uncle only arrived at 8.40pm. I know its very late. While waiting, my dad mentioned he is hungry to my stepmum so I asked for the menu. Dad seems reluctant to eat so I just told him I am hungry (in actual fact I am not at all. I am still quite full frm my late lunch). Anyhow, we orderd "char siew siew yuk" rice. It is so little yet it cost RM 15. Can u imagine that and its the cheapest in the menu. Anyway..dad took a few bites(as I predicted). At least it cure his hunger temporarily. Poor guy. I ordered so he can take some of it. My uncle, aunty and my cousin sis only arrived at about 8.35pm if I remember correctly. I left the dinner at 9.30pm and rushed off to Tropicana City Mall to watch "Prince of Persia" with Lay Ping and Jin. OMG!! I LOVE the movie alot. Yes, there are some parts which are draggy but overall its good. I din know Jake Gyllenhaal will be so good in the film. I am so 'lum' by him. He totally melts my heart. I do want to watch the movie for the 2nd time. There are some scenes where his gaze totally shoots right through my heart and I wish I am the leading lady. haha. The movie was from 10pm-12am. I am so happy that Lay Ping got the tickets!!! Yes!!! I simply cannot say how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE the movie. heehee. Prince Dastan, will u be mine? =p

By the time I reached home, its already 1 stg am. I slept and end up woke up at 2.45am and I couldn't sleep again. I tossed and turned on my bed but to no avail, I am still wide awake. By 3.30 am, I get my butt up from bed and wash my face then head over to my ex-company, Guocera. I am to meet up with my colleagues from Guocera at 4am and had McD breakfast. Its too early so I cannot eat much. Me and Angel shared the hotcakes. kinda yummy. Later that, we drove to Kajang to meet up with a colleague then from there we head over to Broga Hill. By the time we start climbing, its already 6.10 am and it is so dark. Luckily some of my ex-colleagues brought torch light. I had so much fun hiking. I would love to do this again another time. ^_^

To cut story short, by the time I reach my home its already 1.30pm and after I bath, I had my lunch then drove to Pyramid to meet a few of my secondary school frenz. Its so difficult to find parking and this stupid man stole my parking! I got down from my car and tell him that and I tell u..he was so rude. Sheesh! Horrible person without any manners!!! Think he looks so good and thinks his car is so great! *Jasmine shows a vomit face*

I hangout with my friends from SMK Taman Petaling like Pei Yee, Hui Yin, Yen Ni and Pei Ying. Pei Ying and Yen Ni I have not seen them in years. Definitely more than 3 years. Its really good to see them again. We had our meals in Kim Gary for I have a sudden craving for French Toast! At about 8.30pm, I drove to Careen's house to pick her up and we take off to TTDI. We are to meet Eleanor, Eunice and Aron at Bamboo 9 in TTDI Plaza. The occasion is to celebrate Eleanor's birthday. I was so tired. But if Eleanor is happy then I am ok. I appreciate Aron and Eunice for coming. Thank goodness for them. If not the gathering tak jadi. Careen cabut off at about 11pm coz she is meeting another friend. But..i know she came because of me. I love you guys. =)

When I reach home, its already almost 3am. Wow~ can u believe that I have not slept in 24 hours time? Seriously..I was gonna collapse adi. I thought that I will sleep the whole mornin and afternoon away as I was so dead tired. In the end, I only slept for 9 hrs and I couldn't continue sleeping already. That is so sad because I still feel tired and want to rest. I had my fav breakfast which is cereal + fresh milk. Then watch some TVB series then Chianyee text me if I can accompany her to cut short her hair. Well..I already guess why she wants to do that. But...sigh..it hurts me to see her sad. Anyway, I am suppose to pick up my friend Lay Sim from her house at 5.30pm because we will be attending Navina's engagement party at her house in Kota Kemuning. When me and Chianyee reached the saloon, its already 4pm. After everythin settled its already near to 6pm. I did text Lay Sim that I will pick her up at a later time at about 6.30pm. When I drop CY off at her house, I ask her if she is ok..if she knows what she wants because its time to stop being miserable. Its been too long and she need to put a fullstop on it. I told her that no matter what I will stand by her side supporting her but she needs to know what she really wants and make herself happy. Suddenly she hug me and she sobbed her heart out. Sigh..I also cried because it really pains me to see her like this and..I understand her feeling..I was in that shoes too. You will feel like the world has lost its colour and meaning..that u just dunno how to move on..I told her lor that...time will really cure all heartache. I still miss LCW and still love him but..life has got to move on. I cannot hold on to the past because I will be stuck in the same place while he move on. I was very honest with her and hope I did not hurt her feelings but I gotta be frank with her. All along I have been sugar coating my words towards this love issue of hers and I just dun wan to continue that anymore. By the way, did I mention I had body ache all over? haha.

I was so late and thank goodness Lay Sim was not angry at me for being super late. Dad lectured me about punctuality. Oops! When we drove to Navina house, its already 7pm. Yikes! And the ceremony is startin at that particular time!!! Luckily..when we reach it just got started so the both of us did not miss much. Seeing her in a saree looking so beautiful and serene makes me feel...nostalgic. I have known her since I was 14 years old and now..she is getting married. Seeing her so happy makes me happy too. After the party, me and Lay Sim stayed back and helped her get out from the saree and the ornaments from head to toe. Later, we lie on the bed and chit chat till 1 stg in the morning. Its so good to catchup with the both of them.

Its been a year since I last saw Lay Sim coz she is studying in Auzzie and she is back in M'sia for 2 weeks only and then she will be flying off again. So fast..You know, I made a friend in the party. He is a friend of Shashi (Navina's fiance) and he is also single. When Navina found out, she keep on telling him that I am SINGLE. She urged him to exchange contact numbers with me. OMG!!! I was so shy..I mean..I am not desperate to know the guy even though he is a good catch I suppose.. a lawyer who has his own firm and drove a fancy car. But the thing is..I am not ready for love now. I am still healing from my past love and also, I am NOT desperate ok!! haha. Navina just wants me to be happy so she will try to matchmake me whenever she can. So sweet and kind. haha. I wanted to tell her that I can take care of myself but..I dun want to hurt her feelings by saying that. =)

Ok, we shall proceed to Sunday. Yay yay. After finished with Sunday, I can go to bed so I shall try to make this quick. This morning..I woke up at 10am and I drove to Pyramid (yes, again). Why? Coz i want to be there before the crowd invade the whole place. I already had a horrible experience finding parking on Friday and I have no intention of repeating the same old scenario. Its too irritating and frustrating. I went there to walk around and also, for the 1st time, I tried waxing. Just my legs only but the sales girl there continuosly persuading me to try brazillian wax. Nuh-uh! No way man..at least not now. haha. The experience was short and brief. Its not really painful (coz its only on the legs) but..feels abit shy and weird. haha. Its a nice experience I would say. heehee.

Later that, I went back home and had my bruch. Yup, cereal again. Then i went to HANDWASH my clothes (imagine the 1-week pile!) and later that wash and vacuum my car. I feel so much better after I had done the chores. While waiting for my clothes to dry, I watched DVD. Oh yar, today I was suppose to meet up with someone but end up that person got things to do so postponed to next week. This person already has a bad experience with me. He thought that I would be mad and sort of scold him for delaying the meet up. haha. Thinking back, I do will feel that but now..I dun. Of coz I will feel disappointed or abit unhappy but..there must be a reason why ur friend postpone ur meetup or unable to make it. I guess..u can say I have learn to be more understanding than I was. Bravo Jas. Keep it up. Like I said in previous post, everyday is a learning process for me. ^__^

Since I am free for the entire afternoon and evening, I decide to visit my granny. My cute baby cousins are there and they are so CUTE!!! Love them to bits!! I had a wonderful time playing with them. The sight of them never fails to bring a smile to my face. Ok..this is how my days has been. I am sure you will be thinking eventful right? I have no idea why. Its not like I have lots of frenz..but somehow I am alwaz so busy. See..how to fit my bf in? haha. Well..I will only figure that out when I have one. Now..all I want to do is go to my bed and relax. haha.

Monday, here I come!!!

Last Tuesday of the Month

This morning started ain't so good. I had nightmares again. This time..someone/something suddenly turn into an ape and it start to attack this girl (I am viewing the whole scenario as a 3rd party but then..whatever the girl is feeling I felt it too). The girl ran and ran and I feel so 'gan jeong' for her too!!! I am so scared the ape will catch her. Suddenly..she just cannot run anymore and the ape has got hold of her. Just as he was about to bite/eat the girl, suddenly a gun shot and when turn around, there was this guy who was holding the rifle and aiming at the ape. When the ape fell on the ground, I just jolt awake. Man..this is so drama!!! How am I to sleep peacefully if I have dreams like this?

That is why when I was awake, I dun feel good inside out. A depressed and weary feeling washed over me. I feel so..energy-less (is there even such a word?). Anyway..driving to work is quite smooth today. If only traffic was like today all the time.

Morning and afternoon was busy. I had to do a report on Harian Metro, Kosmo, Berita Minggu, Mingguan Harian and Sinar Berita or stg lidat. Wow~ Spend the entire morning and afternoon doing that. Its for the agency meeting which was held at 4.30 pm.

While I was doing the research, an ex-colleague from Guocera , Wee sms me and ask me for lunch. I suggested tomorrow as I was busy with the research. She said tmr cannot so we met up for lunch on today instead. Its a lucky thing we did coz I felt so much better after seeing her and Swee Khim. I had 'lui cha' in Chow Yang. How i miss the place. I always have mamak food till I am quite tired of it already. We did not chat much but still managed to catch up abit. Its really good to see them. Both of them compliment me that I look prettier and happier, thus leaving Guocera is a wise choice. Haha. They are being too kind. These 2 ppl are 2 of my fav ppl in the company who are always there to advise and encourage me. =)

After lunch, me head back to the library and continue to do the research. My goodness, I did not know it will take so much of my time. Anyways, meeting come and go and guess what. I received my CONFIRMATION LETTER today!!!! Yay!!! I am so happy!!!! ^__^ I am officially a permanent staff!!! haha. Somemore the bosses are really nice and said such sweet things. Aww~ I can apply and plan my leave!!

I was thinking of heading back home and spend some personal time alone in my room with my range of DVDs and just...relax. But during the meeting, Lay Ping messaged me asking me if we wanna do dinner? Before this she told me she is meeting an old friend so I was surprised when she texted me this question. End up, a last minute plan was formed between us. After much thought and discussion, we finally end up at SS2 Murnis. At 1st I want to have stg healthy and non oily coz I am feeling so fat (and indeed I am getting fatter). Manatau my mind suddenly pop the image of Roti Hawaii and I was like.."I want to eat that!!". When I reached the restaurant, I saw naan and I suddenly craved for cheese naan. Gone case la..My diet is completely off the track!! I ordered this ice blended honeydew + cheese naan and Lay Ping ordered Mee Raja and Roti Hawaii (which we shared but I think I ate a bigger portion. =p). Its so delicious. Yummy~

After that, because of the restaurant being too over-crowded, we head over to Starbucks and sat there chattin from 8.15pm till 11.45pm. Impressive right? Lots of good laughs and heart-to-heart talk involved. Its really one of those great nights that leave u feeling good when you say goodbye to each other. =)

Ok, its already 1.25am and I need to sleep coz I have to wake up earlier and reach office by 8.30am. Why? Coz I promise to belanja my colleagues breakfast as I am confirmed! hehe.

Good night!

Beating the Monday Blue by wearing BLUE

Monday has come and almost gone for me. Today was ...sort of a nice day but towards the end of the day, something happened at work which saddens me. I screwed up. Not really big but still big in my opinion. That I shall talk about it later. Now I dun have the mood to talk about it. Or at least..I am quite lazy to type it out. Kinda a long story.

The whole day past by quite fast. After work, I went to meet up with Jin and Lay Ping in 1 Utama. I had loads of fun chattin with them =) I am feelin much happier just by walking around the mall and also meeting them.

As I was driving away from 1 Utama parking lot, I pass by the new wing's entrance. It brings back memories where lcw picked me and Chianyee up from there after we return from our Genting trip and he drove Chianyee back home. He was so sweet. Before that we had an argument/misunderstanding. Sigh..everything was so sweet back then. I dun wan to elaborate. I just want to write out this point so that when I read back this diary of mine, it will reminded me of this beautiful memory and..I want to always remember it. Eventhough things has ended between us but what we had is undeniably special to me. .

Alright now, I am really exhausted as usual. Tmr nite I shall return home earlier and write more. good nite!! Please forgive my post for being so short and stiff. I know what I am writing is like..writing in point forms. haha

Weekend is over~

Its Sunday night and its near to 12 am. My weekend is over...so fast. I wish a day has more hours.

This morning when I wake up, its already 10 stg. Yeap..I had another weird dream. I shall just ignore it. When will I ever have a peaceful nite's sleep? When I found inner peace within me? haha. At about 11am, me pick Chianyee up and we went to 天后宫 (Tian Hou Temple). I got lost abit but luckily in the end found our way. I really should familiarise myself with KL roads. At 1 stg pm, both of us reached home. Its time to do my laundry. I have no choice but to handwash my 1-weeks's clothes and its kinda time consuming. Wish I have a washing machine. By the time I finish washing and hanging the clothes out to dry, its already 2.15pm. I am so late for I have to be at Istana Budaya by 3pm to watch "West Side Strory Broadway Musical". I reached that place at 3.10pm..=( I got lost while driving there and let me tell you, I drove like a mad woman on the road.

The musical was ok. At some parts I find it boring. I know the story is similiar to Romeo and Juliet so..I already expect a tragic ending. I went to watch it alone. Why no partner to watch with u ask me? Because I only have 1 free ticket and I dun mind watching it alone. =) Its nothing to be sad about.

After the show, which ends about 5.30pm, I drove over to mum' house and yup, I got lost again. Pass by so many tolls. Sigh..spend so much money on toll today. I really no eyes to see. I dun even dare to calculate how much I already spent on toll the entire day. Definitely more than RM 10. Sigh.

Due to the fact that I was rushing here and there and not forgetting the HEAT, I had a headache when I reached Istana Budaya and it did not go away untill this moment. I am going to sleep it off. Tomorrow is Monday and the beginning of another week. =)

Me shall watched "Backup Plan". J Lo looks gorgeous in it.

Good nite!

A day well spent

I have no idea why everytime I reach home, it is already way past 12 am and I will be freaking tired and sleepy.

Yes, this sentence is so repetitive. Anyways, this morning I met up with an ex-Digi collegue and its so nice to catch up with her. She is such a sweet and nice girl. She also already left Digi and now working in a bank. Sadly to know that the boss in that branch wasn't treating her well. Always bully her. Kesian betul.

We had late lunch in Chili Pan Mee at about 3 stg pm. Sigh..when I walk into the shop, it reminded me of someone. This 'someone' loves chilli pan mee alot. I wonder if he still visit that shop?

By the time we part, its almost 4pm and I decide to drop by to see Chianyee. Long time did not catch up with her. Went into her room I straightaway lie on her bed. I was just so tired. While chatting with her, I nearly fell asleep. Today was one of those good days for her. Why I said this? Its because..the not so good days were me talking alot and she being moody and unresponsive, while the good days are like today, she is talkative. hehe. Well, I was so sleepy till I nearly fell asleep at some point while she was talking about something. haha. Of course she scold me. =p Then she said she is hungry and was so busy with work till she forgotten to take her lunch. Since she already said that, I have to take her out to eat because..I will feel bad and guilty if I don't. She wants to eat something cheesy and the only place which is near to us is Pizza Uno. Yes, I also have to drive her to the restaurant to eat. I love that place and the environment. I ask her if she feels paiseh that I am driving her to eat eventhough the person who is hungry is her? She happily and guilt-freely replied "No" with that look. LOL. Of course I dun mind driving her. Sometimes, I feel like a boyfriend towards her. What can I do? I cannot possibly reject her right?

At about 7pm I gotta rush home to prepare myself coz me am meeting Eleanor, the birthday girl Careen and Eunice in Pyramid. I am to pick up Careen and reach by 8pm. Our itinery for that night is..chillin in Opera and enjoy the pole dancing competition which is held there. Haiyor..I felt as if nothing to see! Some girls who did the dance..my goodness..so stiff and langsung unattractive to watch. I dun mean their physical appearance but their performance itself. Opera was so boring!!! The music there is kinda lousy. Really lor, next time I will not feel like going there again.

At about 10 mins to 11pm, we decide to ciao because the 4 of us couldn't stand the boredomness that is emanating from the so called club. We proceed to Wong Kok and I stole away to Starbucks without Careen realising it. I want to buy a slice of cake to surprise her. ^__^ Manatau, while I was walking towards my destination, I was lookin at the phone and did not see where I am walking and next thing I know "BAM!". I knocked into the figurine. Its the Sunway Lagoon mascot- a blue penguin. My "Oww!" was so loud till I certainly gotten the attention of the customers in Starbucks and also people who are walking around me. It is so embarassing. I should be used to it by now as I am always doing embarassing stuff but still, I cannot help but feel a LIL malu at times like this. However, I chose to ignore. =P I bought this Chocolate Caramel cake for her. She loves it and I am happy to see her happy. =D We chit chat till 12am then ciao coz I was too tired and Careen's bf also nearly there to pick her up.

After a hot bath, I felt so much comfortable. I want to watch movie..should I or should I just hit the sack? Hmm...

Weekend is here!

I just love Fridays and furthermore, its dress down day for me in my office so means I can wear jeans to work. I love it!! If only I can wear my sport shoes then it will be even better. ^__^

This morning I was really sleepy. I had a weird dream again..While driving to work, I nearly fell asleep a couple of times. I know its really dangerous but I feel like a zombie. I cannot seem to keep myself awake. I have no idea what did I do till I was so tired to this extent. Maybe because every night have to spend at least 30 mins to type out my thoughts thus caused me to sleep later than usual. Seriously, this whole week my maximun sleepin hrs is less than 6 hours. This is crazy. The time just past by without me realising it.

Lets see..today was an okay day for me. Boss not around. heehee. After work have yum cha session with few of my colleagues. There is about 8 of us (including me). Quite a big group I would say. Our topic ranged from work related stuff to homosexuality and then transvestite, ending with raid in clubs. haha. Interesting betul!!

After the yum cha session (which ended about 8.15pm), I rushed back to Taipan Old Town to meet Charissa, Siew Kean and Suchen. V Ming and Pei Wen got ajak me to go to Opera because they will be meeting up Angela tonight but..by the time the 2nd round of yum cha ends, its about 11 stg and I am too tired to go to drink in Opera.

I reached home about 12 stg and I am so dead tired. I cannot even see clearly. Even as I am typing now, I cannot really focus on the screen and the words look blurry to me. Somemore I have to fetch Suchen back home just now (I dun mind at all coz helpin a friend mar) and she seems worry about me coz I am so blur. haha.

Lets see..what is the thought that has been going through my head?Hmm...I did thought of him but I remind myself that there is nothing to hope for so there is no point to think about him. I thought about chemistry and passion between 2 people. Will I ever find it again?

Ok, my brain is quite dead now. Cannot bring it to function. I shall be off to dreamland!!! =)

A much better day

As usual, I am so tired while I am typing this. Its quite sad that everytime I am writing my blog, I will definitely be dead tired. Don't care. I am gonna write untill 12 am and then I am gonna hit the sack no matter what. I really need to get some rest.

Ok, let me start about my day. This morning when I get my butt up from bed, my heart don't feel that heavy as compared to yesterday(wednesday). I will not say I am happy but not it was not aching either. I just feel..kinda hollow at some point. The jam today was quite terrible! It took me almost an hour to get to my office. Sheesh. Throughout the journey, I felt as if something is not right and yes, the 'not right' is because I am missing the feel and presence of my favourite travelling companion, the small bear. Just now while I was driving back home from Tropicana City Mall, I also miss the bear. You know la..its very dark and I am alone. It will be comforting if I got the bear to hold on to. I am now contemplating should I take the bear out from my closet and place the bear in my car. Somemore I was saying lets try it for a week without bear, I cannot even last 2 days. haha.

If you ask me did I think of him, I will be lying if I say no. There will be a couple of times the image of him or our memories passed through my mind. =) Of course I still care for him and love him but I have finally accepted the fact that even though we might still love each other, doesn't mean that we can share a life together. Maybe as friends but not as a couple. He saw it while I did not. But, its never too late.

If I thought that I have learn 2 days ago after the cold and harsh call I received from him (I will never forget the words he uttered from his mouth - "Will you just stop it!!" Ouch~that hurts), I am wrong because everyday I am discovering new viewpoints, new understanding. I am learning each day and I am happy about it. I dun like the fact that I was dwelling in misery. Today I see things much clearer compare to 2 days ago. Lee Chern Wah is a great guy. He is wonderful just the way he is. It is not his fault that he cannot open up his heart again to me and want to be with me in future. I do admit alot is my fault because of my character, behaviour and understanding of things. Sadly, I see that I pushed him alot. I always pushed him to the limits till he lose control. I should be patient and give him space and time. Let the truth reveal itself to me in time. One of my flaw (which also caused the end of the relationship) is my impatience. I cannot wait and everything also want to know so I push and force till I get he info or anything I want. Yes, I am damn selfish. I see it so much clearer now. Its sad that I did not see that before, if not me and him might still be together. However, its all in the past already. He saw that we are indeed incompatible at all thus he decided to end it. One must step away when he/she sees that things are not working out at all in a relationship. I was too controlled by my emotions while he is more rational in this sense. In some way, I am glad that he chose to walk away. If he did not, both of us will still be suffering and most likely in misery. Once you step back, the view is much wider and clearer. Just like..if me and him still together, I will not understand and go through all this. I will not learn and probably continue hurting people who cares about me or I might be causing pain to others without even realising it.

I know I still have many flaws but I will discover it one by one. Its just a matter of time. All these experiences makes life more interesting. We are humans thus make mistakes and learn from them so we can be avoid the same mistake from occuring in future.

Now I wonder..why didn't I realize all this while I was with him? Why was I so selfish and force him? Why can't I just leave him alone? Why do I want to hurt and irritate him that much? haha...i know why..I couldn't see nor understand all these back then. I was much more childish and naive than I am now. I wasn't a fool..I was just..inexperience about life and human behaviour. I know that there is so much more to learn about life, me and human & I am so looking forward where the path will lead me to. =) LCW is just a stepping stone. The beginning of my journey.

Its funny how I look at things differently compare to Tuesday or even past few weeks. Each day I am achieving the so called inner growth. =)

That poor guy. He has been going through alot like family responsibilities relies on his shoulder, his stressful work and probably his friends. All of these are really heavy on his shoulders till..he cannot breath. To be frank, I am still worry and concern about him. I dunno if he is ok with his work or his family. I wish I can show him my concern but..whats the point? Who am I to even care about him? I will believe that he is a big boy and know how to release his stress. Wish he can be much happier now that I am not there to haunt his life. hahaha.

After what I did to him, he probably hates me now. Even if dun hate at least find me damn annoying and irritating. Could be also that he has truly given up hope/faith/any feelings he had on me. I deserve that i guess. Ok la..enough about him and all this emo stuff. I recently only found out that his ex (Agnes) checks my FB, my blogs and whatever social network I am on, she will check on it. She even calls herself a stalker. haha. This post she will definitely read it. I dunno how to react about that. If she is so free to check on me, so be it. =) But i sure will not stalk on her coz I have more important and fun stuff to do than check on people's site or whatever not. Maybe I used to do that to my crush or LCW but those days are done. Of course I will have the urge to check on his FB page but if I know what he is doing, then..? What can I do? Who am I to even bother? The answer is no one. If I check on his page and I found out he fell for some girl, I dunno if I can take it onot. So, as much as I would like to know, I dun dare to bring myself to see his page. I am scared. I am afraid that I will come across some things which will hurt me again. I need to protect this heart of mine. Its been hurt so many times and I dun wan to get the wound open up again just when it is startin to heal. Yeah..I am so drama right now. =p But its the truth la.

Wow..12.15am adi. Ok, i really have to stop writing. But before I end this, let me say that tonight it was awesome. I had a wonderful time chillin with my pal Lay Ping and also get to watch Shrek Forever After. The final installment in the Shrek series. Its nice and funny and worth the watch. If I am not mistaken, I believe I watched Shrek 3 with LCW. Was it in July? After the PD trip? Nevermind, its not important anymore. True Love is the theme. Is there such thing as true love?

Alrightey then, good nite!

One door closes and another door opens

I am so tired right now that if I just close my eyes, I can fall asleep straight away. Actually I am very lazy to type down what I have done right now. Wish I can postpone to tomorrow but since I promise myself that I will write everyday, I will stick on to my promise (lets see how long can this last. haha).

This morning when I wake up, I feel heavy hearted. I just feel like a zombie. No mood for anything. Then when I drove to car, I miss the small bear's presence as I always placed it on my lap and hug it while I am driving. Well, I have no choice coz this is my 1st step (or isit 2nd? 3rd step? i dunno) of letting go. I must learn not to miss the bear. Lets just see 1st for a week, if after a week I still miss the bear, then I might consider putting it in my car again. Only that small bear. The rest shall still remain deep in my closet.

What I was feeling inside must be very obvious on the outside coz when I was in office this morning, a colleague of mine (Vaijan) ask me if I am ok because I look so sad. I told her I was ok. The morning did not past by well coz I screwed up in Galaxie magazine meeting. Sigh. Nevermind, its over and I'm done with it already. I shall learn from my mistakes.

Afternoon past by in a jiffy. After work, yum cha with this sorta new guy at work. He has the same birthdate as me. haha. But different year la. Too bad. It will be so cool if I can find someone who shares the same date of birth as me. heehee. Anyway, this is one nice and friendly colleague but too bad we work in different department that is why don't have the opportunity to hang out. Yum cha is always a good bonding session. He is a nice friend to talk to because we seem to have so much to chat about. You know, there are some people who are really nice yet...you cannot really talk to them because you dunno what to talk about. I like friendly and talkative people. =) Then Aron joined us and he can just straightaway talk to Aron. I was very surprised coz I thought he will be kinda shy. But no! hehe. Both of them team up to tease me. All is Aron Raj's fault. Furthermore, Aron go and tell him all those negative stuff about me which includes one of his favourite - "jojo won a chatterbox award during MUFY". haha. He will never ever let me forget about that and DEFINITELY WILL tell that to every friend I have. Seems like he is very proud that I won that award. ^__^ I am so happy that colleagues in my office are so nice and I seem to be making new friends with colleague almost each week.

Aron told me after that he likes that guy coz he is friendly. hehe. Anyway, after that I went to the office and chill with Pooi Yarn and also Aron. I dun want to continue talking in the mamak coz my boss is there having dinner and I erm...am shy la to talk there. Guess what? The 3 of us chit chat from 8pm-10pm in the office itself.

On the way home, I called Aron and the 2 of us head to Starbucks in Taipan. I had my Hazelnut Hot Choc (yummy) while Aron had the dragonfruit + kiwi juice. It is nice. Next time I will try that. At about 12am only we drove back home. Nice to chat with Aron. At the same time, we were both checking out the chicks there. haha. More like he checking out and I just kepoh and look coz I am curious at his taste of gals. There is one girl which Aron likes, a sweet bookish nerdy girl but with a nice ass. Omg..if Aron knows that I am typing all this here, he will stranggle me. haha.

Tomorrow is Thursday!! yay yay!

Slap wake to reality

You know..when I wake up from bed, i will have this heavy hearted feeling or an ache in my heart. It depends. Some days I will feel ok the moment I open but my eyes but this kind of days are rare. I feel as if something is missing in my world. I just need that something then it will be complete. Yes, I am sure everyone knows there is only one thing I need is only him.

Its already 5 months since we broke up and I still cling on to this pathetic hope that somehow, someday we will be together again. This is what I call living in denial. I do know that. I keep on saying it is dificult to forget him, it is impossible to let go of my feelings towards him and also telling everyone I am ok and I already let go. I am just giving excuses to hold on to something which is not even there anymore. I mean, who am I kidding? I can tell to the whole world that I am ok but in the end I cannot lie to myself. At first I thought of this as a way to psycho myself. I tell myself that if I keep on telling the world that I am ok, sooner or later I will believe in it and truly be ok. Goodness..I am only fooling myself here.

Today I purposely call him countless times just to irritate him and he gotten mad. He did not say it but I know he is trying to tell me that I am freaking irritating. He was very annoyed and he called me to scold me. In the end he did ask me to stop doing this, I asked 'why?' and he hung up the call on me. I was a fool to even ask why. I already know the answer. I just got to stop contacting him. I send a text mesage asking if he is avoiding me. He scolded me that " What kind of sms are you sending to me. Do you know the meaning of BUSY onot? Dun you know that I am very busy? This is the reason why I break up with you. It was a wise choice and I have no regrets. You will never learn and you will never change. I already have problems at work and now you are sending me all this crap. Can you stop doing all that?".

I was having dinner with Lay Ping at 1 Utama's Chili's when he called me. He said that I am so childish and what was it that is so important that I gotta call him. I told him I only called twice but subsequently, I suspect my phone got problem because unable to call out. No network like that. He obviously do not believe me and think of it as a ploy from my side just to irritate him. He was so pissed off. I think, its more like he IS STILL VERY pissed off.

Yes, I admit that I have done wrong in this case. LP say I did not give each other space and time to cool off. There is no point for me to continue contacting him because he already don't want to be with me. He is already taking steps to move on while I am still holding to a rope which will only get myself killed in the end. There is no denying the fact that deep from my heart, I long for us to be together again. That is why I refuse to accept the simple truth - he has gotten over u and obviously do not want to be with you any longer. This fact has been dangling right in front of my eyes screaming for my attention yet I chose to ignore it. Pretend I did not see it and continue living in my fantasy world that he will come back to me again some day. Isn't it stupid of me? I hate myself so much because I am just TOO pathetic. Even I myself also cannot stand my ownself. Big sigh. Is first love like this? First cut is the deepest?

LP say he is so kesian because I am just to needy. Too obsessed with him that I still long for his attention. Hence the calls and msgs. I just got to stop it because if I continue this, he is going to hate me. You know what, I already think he has started to hate me. Just now during the call, his voice was so frustrated, angry and harsh. I know he really cannot tahan me anymore. Apparently he got some hard time at work and there I was disturbing and annoyed the hell out of him. Yar, I do know its all my fault.

After what he said to me, I was in a dazed mode. I couldn't speak for awhile. As a very chatty person who is suddenly very quiet, obviously there was something wrong with me. LP gotten concern about it but I just cannot tell her what was wrong. After some time and sorta finished my yummy quesadilla (which i love it so much. yum yum!), I finally able to open up a little and tell her a little about my story. Before I even finish narrating, LP already start to shoot me kau kau. To cut things short, she made me see the light. She made me see how childish and selfish I am and because of my behaviour over such a small issue, I caused pain to others. She also said that I always say I love him but this is not love. Loving is not only letting go but also about wanting the other party to be happy. She said that each day I will feel like shit coz I miss that person, somehow some things will remind me of him, there will be times where I will want to call or message him, or there will be times where all I want to do is just cry and cry and cry. She said that as much as it hurts me, I will get better. 1 year perhaps. or 2 years or even longer. It all depends. Yes, I have put in my heart & soul into the relationship but things do not work out in the end. However, never regret what has happened but appreciate that it had happened. Because it helps to mould you into who you are today.

*Jasmine thinking hard at this moment*

Even though he told me he does not want to be with me anymore, I do not blame him. The fault is not on his side. Scissors comes in a pair. It is useless if it works in single. I really don't want him to hate me, I still have a tiny hope we can somehow be friends. That is why..when Lay Ping say if I continue this, it will make him feel disgusted and hate me, that is the part where I was slapped fully awake from my current in-denial land. I have been living in denial for too long and refuse to face the truth.

I tell you, I cried there and then in Chili's then went to the ladies and continue crying there. After that I cried in the shopping mall itself while LP walk me back to Chili's. It was embarassing but I just couldn't care much. I was too hurt, depressed and in pain. Yes, my heart was aching so badly till I cannot breath. I told myself that its time let go and this time, I really can do it because my heart is saying "let go my dear. U can do it. U must do it". If I still continue to hang on to false hope, I will forever be in misery.

I controlled myself after that because Aron, Maxine and Mindy has arrived. But I just don't feel so good. At about 10pm, I walk back to my car. They will be continue at The Curve Library with some cocktails but I was too tired for it. All I wanna do is to go home and..rest I guess. I also dunno what I wanna do but I just cannot move anymore. Brain has decide to block out everything and focus on 'misery'. The moment I got into my car, I cried and cried till I reach home. I cried so loud somemore. By the time I reach home, I cannot see clearly already because my eyes are swollen. Once I am in my room and after a hot comforting bath, i lay out the stuff he gave me - nohohon, big bear bear, snall bear bear, the ring and also the key chain all on the bed. As I say goodbye to all these stuff, memories flood in my head. My heart aches the most when I put the bears in a bag. I threw away the roses (which are dried now obviously) into the bin.

Now, the gifts he gave me are at the top shelf which I will not see because when I see it, it will only hurt my eyes and my heart. I am fully letting go.

Just forget it Jasmine Yeoh. Things have really come to an end and there is no turning back. Do face the reality. No matter how much I pray, he will not come back to me again. Don't be so stubborn Jas.

Monday blues

Today I was feeling moody. No mood to work at all. Everything seems to be very dull and lifeless.

Before I log in to blogspot, I got tons of stuff I wanna say but now, at this hour (11.20pm), I am feeling too tired and lazy to type out.

I am feeling dull and down today is because...well...there is only one thing lately which is causing me to be down and everyone knows what is that. Sigh..I am so sick of feeling this way. See, I myself also know and cannot stand it yet my pathetic heart just unable to let go? Why? What is so great about that guy? Why do i still care for him so? What does he have that makes me long to be with him?

Sigh..me am just purely pathetic as...ok, I dunno what comparison to use coz I sure will not call myself shit. haha. But seriously, when can I truly let go of this feeling? I am sure all my friends also cannot tahan me already.

I know I emailed him last week and told him that I will not contact him at all already. That I will be out from his life. But then, I don't seem to be able to do so. I am just so..malu case. No eyes to see me at all. I hate myself for being like this. Why can't I be firm? I already told myself to let go and yet my heart is doing it otherwise. How can I synchronize my mind with my heart?

Anyway..I stayed in office the whole day. Almost 12 hrs. Wow. By 8.30 pm, my brain already shut down so I just chat in FB. Surprisingly Chianyee is there and I chat with her and the topic revolves around Yao Sin. I know she misses him. Sigh..it saddens me to see her sad. Its been a long time since we chat like that. There were days when there are no topic between us coz either she is moody, or I am down or BOTH of us also moody and no matter what was said to us just will not masuk telinga nor will it cheer us up. See, this is what Love did to us. Life was so much simpler before love comes into the picture.

I was telling Chianyee that I was also chattin with my ex punya ex and his brother at the same time. Guess what her reply was. --> ... & =.= haha. I knew that was gonna be her respond. Anyway, it is kinda weird to chat with my ex punya ex in some way. I know my ex sure will not like it but..haih..should I still care about what he thinks? Yes? No? Anyway, apparently my ex punya brother broke up with his gf of 3 years. That was the surprise news for the day. I totally did not expect that. What is this? Is breaking up a new form a disease that is spreading everywhere? LOL.

Anyway, we chat till 9 stg then I cepat-cepat cabut balik rumah. Tried to watch the finale of the TVB series I have been watching nonstop for the past few days but the DVD got problem. Other chapters are ok except for the finale. So disappointing. T-T

Anyway, just chat with Aron and he seems to be kinda pissed off and he is refusing to talk to me. He is pissed at his colleague and I was jokin with him and I kena that anger. haha. He is the 2nd one for today. 1st person was Liwei. She is also pissed at someone. I tried to comfort her but manatau she said I take the other party's side and she is angry at me. Haiyor..these 2 people here are just so cute. Nah..I am not mad nor sad at all. I understand they are just in 1 of those moods. In the morning when they are awake, they will feel much better and forgotten all about it. =) I dun mind them scolding me or releasing their anger/disappointment/frustration at me, just as long as they feel much better after release it all out is what that matters to me. I understand how they feel so I would like to help them in any way I could.

Ok, its near to 12 am and I should get some sleep. Be ready for the meeting in the morning.

Before that, let me blurt this out. I am so tempted to call him again but I know he will not pick up my calls nor will he respond to me. He will try to treat me as cold as possible. Haih..once again, Jojo is damn pathetic wei.

Good nite!

Sunday (16th May 2010)

Sunday is here!!! Today is my pal Syafique's birthday. Somebody has turned 24 today. hehe.

This morning when I wake up, I don't have a good feeling about the day. Lets just say I feel moody and sien the entire day. Today is the day where I missed a person who I am not suppose to miss alot. Sigh..I wish to call him and talk to him but...I lack the courage to feel rejected all over again. I know that if I text him or call him, he will not reply or answer my call. It hurts but I have to accept this reality.

I know it has only been a week since we had a long chat but this entire week feels like months already. haha.

I miss him. I want him. I just wish to talk to him.

But..I must admit that this 1 week I have discovered some things about myself which I have never seen before. Each day is a learning process for me for each day I will learn something new or I will discover something. It never fails to make me in awe about life itself.

Ok, today after awake, I watch TVB drama which is exciting and interesting. Then I wash my clothes. After that have brunch and continue watching the series. Later that went to visit granny in SS2 about 5 pm. Its been 2 weeks since I last saw her and I miss her alot. Its so nice to sit down at the sofa by her side and listen to her talk. =)

Yikes!!! Thunder!!! Alright, I shall have to end here. Thunder sounds very scary....