I'm suppose to be working today but felt lazy so i took a day off. It feels so good not to work on a sun. But..this is a lonely Sunday. I can't sleep well, I'm all alone now and I have nothing to do. It is quite depressing actually. I thought today will be a good day but it started out badly. First, bf is ignoring me now (ouch..it hurts), family ditch me to go with their friends to visit orphanage and I am in no mood to do anything but just stare at the open window. Somehow, that only makes me feel worst. I have to do something about this..I cannot stay in my room, I can go crazy and my mood will definitely worsen.
But what can I do? Where can I go? I really want to meet someone but that someone is angry at me and will not want to meet up with me. And if he does not, I will think he don't care for me and then it will lead to dissatisfaction on my part and later it will lead to argument (starting from his side). Sigh..this is one big cycle which will never ends. Now is only 10 am and I am clueless..I should let it go but my heart don't allow me to do so for I will miss someone alot. I wish I know what can I do to make things alright again. I am just so down lately and I don't like this feeling. I have to search for the old Jasmine back. I was much happier back then. Maybe because I am always so blur. Love can be a pain..I don't know is it because our thinking is too different. We always seems to misunderstand each other. I don't know your needs and you cannot satisfy my wants. Both of us also dont know what each other requires. These can really cause conflicts . Sigh..this too leads to explosion on both parts. I tried so hard to make this work but it is difficult on my side. I have to swallow up tears and pretend everything is alright when the problem is still there between us unresolved. You are too naive to think its solved. How can it be solved if we do not talk about it? For a girl, communication is the key to everything. Bet you know about it but still..you will say all I want is talk. Ish..
I lose hope in us. If I tell you this face to face, we sure will argue again. But this is how I feel. If we are always so unhappy together, why can't you just let me go? If you really care for me, don't ignore me. If you no longer feel like you can entertain me, it is better if we both let go. Only then both of us can find happiness and peace. There is no point struggling on this if you do not take a step forward and try to change for me. I am willing to change 50 % for you but I'll also need you to change 50% for me. If not, how can we work together to create a 100%? (I'm sure you must be thinking I am talking crap now). If you find out I said all these, you'll sure be angry at me AGAIN. You don't know how much this means to me. How much I want a guy just to show he cares instead of forgetting about me. Please don't say its all in your heart, I want you to show it to me. I want that to erase my loneliness and emptiness. Its not too much to ask ..but you will never do all this for me. That's the saddest part. You will turn out to be defensive and angry...
