Unhappy

Even though it is past midnight of 1st May 2015, I still consider it as 30th April 2015. To me, only when i wake up from my sleep through the night will I consider it the brand new day. Its Thursday night and although I had a wonderful night with Lay Ping, Jin and the rest, my week has not been very okay at all. 

Monday and Tuesday I was not feeling too happy but thankfully there is Wan Ying to keep me company. I like hanging out with smart people who knows what they want in life. I can learn so much from them. Hence, this is the reason I like to talk to Wan Ying and Lin Dee so much. They are very positive, calm, rational and logical. They made me want to be a better Jasmine Yeoh. But I gotta thank WY for sparing so much of  her time and spend it with me. Her company helps a great deal. 

Why am I unhappy as per my blog post title? Well, it does not take a genius to figure out that the main cause is none other than the stupid boyfriend Aaron Raj. Sigh...just the mere mention of his name brings a sigh to my lips. A wave of sadness washed over me at the thought of him. He makes me feel so unhappy and unwanted. The last time I was this unhappy was when Allen wanted an end to our messed up relationship and when I found out he was with that K girl. Bluek. 

You know what I am so disappointed about currently? One of the reason that I fell for my current dufus boyfriend and wanted to give us a shot is because I feel that he will never ever make me cry. But..I was wrong. Truth to be told, he has made me cried more often than I ever anticipated of, especially the past 2 months. I had cried so much and so hard till my head aches and the pain in the heart is unbearable. He may not realized how much he has hurt me so I made a point in letting him know how I felt. But even though I have spoken to him a gazillion times about what he did which hurts me, he never listens and learn from it. He still commit the same 'crime' and hurt my feelings with his tone of voice, mannerism, choice of words, actions and body languages. He just cannot seem to see it the way I do. I know men and women are different but do not tell me that if someone has explained to you more than 20 times what hurts her/him, I am sure you would have gotten the information into your head and will try to avoid doing or saying anything that will hurt that person. But Aaron does not and will not learn from the looks of it. :( 

Thus this leads me to a new perspective of our relationship and I am telling you it ain't looking positive at all. I want to break up with him. Reason being is the fact that he does not make me happy at all. Worst still, he makes me so sad all the time and refuse to comfort me. He is forever assuming my sadness/ anger/ frustration is due to the once a month hormonal changes of the body. Maybe in the past like half a year ago it may be true but for the past two months, it is more than that. I am seeing Aaron more clearer now and I am very afraid of what I saw. What I fear is he truly may not be the right one for me. 

I want him to be one. The life partner that I will be spending the next 40 years with but from the looks of everything that is going between us, this future is being dragged further and further away from us. Aaron is a nice and sweet guy but..he cannot give me the security and stability. To make matters worst, he is very childish, egoistical, stubborn and unwilling to learn and accept viewpoints from other people but himself. I bet with you that if he read this, he will debate with me to the end. He thinks he is always right and I am just being silly and emotional. Even though we have dated for a year and 4 months, he still has not learnt much about the heart and mind of a female. He has inadequate knowledge in this field yet he refuses to improve himself for the better by seeking advises from male friends who has girlfriend experiences or read articles or books on relationships. He think he is an expert on this subject. Let me tell you, if he truly is we will not be arguing all the time nor will he hurt me over and over again. Now the arguments seem to be more on a daily basis. 

Please let me just rant it out here. I want to shout out that he is hurting me a lot. More so than his puny mind can imagine. Besides that, I do not feel loved, appreciated nor wanted by him anymore. As I am typing this out, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes. I am hurting so badly inside but can he see it? No, he does not. I do not know if it is him failing to see my hurt or just unwilling to accept the horrific truth that he is not doing a great job as a boyfriend. I shared with him a quote today which I have a feeling he does not agree to it - "The woman is the reflection of her man". I explained to him that if he treated me with love and spend time with me, I will be sweet to him. The reason why I am so bitchy to him all the time is because I do not feel wanted, needed and loved by him. He is taking me for granted, He thinks I am a doormat who will be there when he needs it and when he does not, he will forget about me entirely. Sigh...I think I should stop typing for now. The more I expressing it out here, the more I feel like bursting into tears. I am feeling so sad. Why my boyfriend turned out to be like this? Or perhaps, I have changed. I am maturing and wanting more in life and especially in a man who I can depend on and look up to. After evaluating him, do you think he fits the requirements? Well, you and I know the answer to that.

I need a man, not an immature boy who is an emo freak who cries all the time instead of finding solutions to rectify the problem. But most importantly, i need a guy who place me in his heart. To show me how important I am to him. But obviously I am not important in his heart. 

A good example is the argument tonight - a hotel stay in Traders KL. He is not willing to spend RM 410 a night in the hotel. I know it is pricey but because I want to spend the night with him and makes it special, i chose here. I want it to have a honeymoon atmosphere but it is obvious the bf thinks otherwise. He wants a hotel which cost not more than RM 200 and you can have a rough estimation on the rooms , which are motel kind of rooms obviously. You know, i have never felt so degraded when he dissed my suggestion aside. It is the way he spoke to him. That condescending tone. Those words. Ouch..Besides that, he is so unwilling to see from my point of view. In his mind, it is only money money money. I know money is important and you think I want to waste RM 410 on a hotel room? It is because it will be a memory with him that is why I am willing to fork out the money for this special night. 

Since the beginning of 2015, we have not an alone moment where the world seems to fade away and only the two of us exist in that world. He is always preoccupied with his phone and its work messages or emails or tweets. Where and when can he slot me in? None. I just want to spend a beautiful night with him. But he does not sees it this way. First thing he sees is the price and it when he lashes out at me, my feelings were wounded. He spoke in a very loud tone (almost to the point of degrading) that I must not instagram the picture of the hotel if indeed we are staying there for fear he will be questioned by his family, friends and colleagues. Did you know when I heard that I was feeling so hurt? To my ears, it sounds to me that he only cares what people thinks and what people will say to him. It made me feel like I am not worth it and so unspecial. I am crying as I am writing this... and i should not be crying at all actually. He is so not worth my tears. Heck, any guy (except my father) who makes you cry or sad is so not worth your time and effort. Hence, I want to end this pain in my heart.

The thought of a break up is dangling in my mind. I feel it is the best way. God, please give me the strength to go through this break up. I know what is best for me and Aaron Raj is not good for me at all. He is so self centered, selfish, immature and does not have time for me. I love myself enough to pull away from anything that hurts me.